BY Miley Cyrus
So here’s the thing, I know most of y’all at this point don’t wanna listen to what I have to say, but this is an important confession I have to make. I dress up as Hannah Montana during sex. I know what y’all are thinking, “Wait Miley, I thought you said you hated Hannah Montana. I thought it was mentally traumatizing for you?!” Well, yeah. It fucking was. But that’s why I dress up as her in bed. It makes me feel powerful, like I’m facing my biggest fear. How do you think I got Liam back? That’s right, I enticed him with my blonde wig and sequin outfits. And I sing “Nobody’s Perfect,” all while fucking Liam with my strap-on. That’s right kids, Hannah Fucking Montana wears a strap-on AND is into sado-masochism.
Why am I telling y’all about this? To start a muthafuckin conversation. I need people to know that it’s totally fine to dress up as a pre-teen girl and have really hedonistic sex. Now, the things I’m saying might seem too jarring and aggressive for you, but this is me, this is how I talk. I’m badass and I don’t care what you think. That’s how grownups act, and I’m definitely a fucking grownup.
So don’t make it like it’s weird. We all know you jacked off to me when your little sister used to watch my show. I’m back, and I’m better than ever. Nobody can stop me. So download my new album. It’s free, by the way.
BY Ophelia Oktober
WASHINGTON, D.C. – News broke out Sunday that Hilary has officially declared her intention to run for the 2016 presidential race. This marks her second run for presidency, the first being in 2008 when the actress was only 20 years old.
The news was first released via an email blast that was sent to millions of people Sunday morning.
“It’s official, Hilary is running for president!”
This year, Hilary will be rallying herself as “A champion for everyday Americans.” The campaign is aptly appropriate since she portrayed an everyday American with an everyday American family in the hit Disney Channel TV-show, “Lizzie McGuire.” The nation’s millennials grew up watching Hilary survive the awkwardness of being a teenager during the early 2000’s. Hilary’s background makes her an attractive candidate to youth voters.
“Hilary is such a foxy MILF! 10/10 would bang,” said SAS senior Chris McCulley.
Hilary is set to begin her “ramp up” tour all across America beginning in June when millennials get out of school for the summer. She plans on engaging with voters and making sure their teenage concerns are heard.
Hilary is not the first actor to run for public office. She will be following in the footsteps of Ronald Reagan, who was president from 1981 to 1989 and Arnold Schwarzenegger was governor of California from 2003 to 2011. Political analysts don’t expect much of her because of this fact. Many are skeptical about Hilary’s ability to lead the United States of America, calling her a “demon” and a “PMS-ing basketcase.”
And although it is kind of weird that a 27 year old mother of one is running for the presidency, many others are in fact, Ready for Hilary.