BY Maximum Powers
Slowly Losing it
NEW BRUNSWICK — Spring training has gotten off to a rocky start at Rutgers. After a disagreement involving players and coaches got out of hand, management decided to take away the football practice field until the two sides can play nice with each other.
The argument was said to have begun when a player accidently ran into a coach during practice, causing the forty-year-old father to get a sizable bruise on his hip and run crying to management that the incident occurred on purpose. This accusation sparked a heated debate on the event with hurtful slurs like “poopy head” and “butt muncher” were thrown at one another. Seeing the volatile nature of the discord, management at Rutgers told both players and coaches to go their respective rooms and calm down, after seeing little change in the situation after a juice and snack break the heads of the football committee decided to take drastic measures and remove the practice field from Rutgers grounds.
Coach Jim “Jimmy” Cooter told The Medium, “This is such crap! That field is more our field than theirs, we’ve had it for longer. God I wish the school never had these kids join the team.”
The field has been removed from the campus and has been placed up in a higher elevation until the athletic department deems the coaches and players have made up and can be friends again. When asked about the loss of the field many players replied through tears that “It’s not fair. They totally started it by blabbing. We said we were sorry so many times, but they won’t believe us.”
While not making an official comment on the matter, Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs remarked “Jesus Christ, again?” He then took off his jacket, grabbed a six pack, and sat to watch TV while ignoring the screams and cries of the players and coaches.
BY Yagnesh Patel
I should not be alive. I seriously should not be alive, but here I am. I am a risk taker, and this weekend I took a risk that was incredibly dumb. I snuck silverware into Medieval Times. I’m guilty of this transgression but do not hold it against me, it was on a dare. My friend Daniel said to me, “Dude, bring silverware in or you’re a total fucking pussy,” so I did it.
It was terrifying, and such an adrenaline rush. The King came out and he scanned the audience, I swear he stopped and stared at me for a moment, he could totally sense that I was carrying a 4 tined eating implement. When dinner came around, I snuck out my fork and dug in. Multiple times I swear a squire came around and looked at me, and I had to hide it on my person. But I survived, I escaped that hell castle with a full stomach and with my fork in hand, with an extended middle finger, a fuck you to the forkless king, and with blood rushing all throughout me. I felt like I had just skydived off a cliff while jerking off. I felt ALIVE!
BY Throb Lowe
Wants It That Way
NEW YORK— The National Hockey League announced that they will be adding music by Clay Aiken to their list of banned substances.
Commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters in a conference on Monday that “The National Hockey League is an institution with a storied history. To protect the legacy and the future of the sport of hockey, we will be adding music by Clay Aiken to our list of banned substances.” Bettman continued to say that the amendment will become effective after the post-season has ended.
Research from a third-party group of analysts shows that players who test positive for Clay Aiken are on average less productive on the ice, and more prone to injury. To test whether a play has been listening to Clay Aiken’s music, doctors will softly play the song “Invisible” in the background of the waiting room. If a player quietly hums the chorus or taps along to the beat, doctors mark them as positive.
Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella told reporters, “I think the ban is good. I know damn well that my players don’t listen to Clay Aiken. We don’t need guys out on the ice underperforming because they’re daydreaming about his soft eyes.”
Repercussions for a positive test are severe. The first time a player violates the new amendment they will suspended indefinitely for 20 games. The second time a player is caught listening to Clay Aiken they will be suspended for the rest of the season.
While harsh, the rule is justified according to Penguins star Sidney Crosby. “When I broke my jaw back in 2013 it was totally preventable. I’ll admit it, I was singing along to Clay in my head when I got hurt. If I had been paying attention I would have been fine. I’m on board with the new rule, since it’ll help protect the younger guys coming into the league.”
BY Robin Michelle
I’m a good Catholic girl, and as a result, I refuse to have sex before I get married. Only my husband will take my virginity, none of these walking meatsticks that you see around campus and at frat parties. The Bible says that I can not have sex so I will not!
Of course this isn’t exactly what my boyfriend wants to hear, he wants to put it in me right now and cum all over my body, and I can’t blame him. I know of the loophole that everyone uses, and yes my boyfriend does fuck me in the ass. But you know what? It’s painful! He never uses lube, because lube is Satan’s precum, and so as a result, I can’t have him fuck me in the bum anymore, because of all the tearing. There’s so much blood down there now.
But fear not, I believe I’ve found a solution that keeps my hymen intact, and keeps my boyfriend happy. So my fellow Catholic girls listen up! The past week, whenever my boyfriend has asked me to get him off, I’ve gone and picked up a cantaloupe and placed it in the microwave. Then, after about 5 minutes, I take it out and cut a cylindrical hole in it. Finally, I squeeze my thighs together to keep the melon between my legs and I guide my boyfriend slobbering cock into the hole. He thrusts back and forth and back and forth, while I stay stationary, moving is a sin! And finally when he cums, I look at him and smile a wry smile before emptying the hole’s contents into my mouth.
BY Radio Raheem
Butt Pun Enthusiast
NEW BRUNSWICK— In an unfortunate slip-up, Rutgers Student Involvement accidentally printed “Butgers Day” on every single T-shirt for the massive event this weekend. This is a massive PR nightmare for Rutgers, who will no doubt have to scramble to try to fix this enormous mistake before Saturday.
“We’re well and truly fucked here,” says President Barchi. Ideally, Rutgers would just order new shirts with the correct logo. However, because half of the annual budget was spent on the misprinted shirts, ordering the same amount of shirts again would cut the rest of the budget. There would be no athletics, no theatre performances, scientific research, or money for student clubs.
A student representative declined to comment on the exact amount that was spent but implied that it was well over $500,000 since they splurged on shirts made of Mexican alpaca hair.
Student Involvement is looking into changing the annual event to Butgers Day to accommodate for the eye-wateringly asinine amount of money they spent on these shirts.