Minnie the Moocher
Washington, D.C.—It has been confirmed by White House correspondents that President Donald Trump has officially used the last wish from his magic lamp to secure the Patriots another Super Bowl win. It was during the halftime show that Trump reportedly decided to “just f*ck it” and used the final wish to save the Patriots from embarrassment. This wish is just coming off his previous two requests, winning the election and having slightly bigger hands. This Patriot victory marks the final wish granted to him by the genie that inhabits the lamp.
When asked about the use of his wish, President Trump replied “Look, Tom is a really great guy, just the best, but I saw he was hurting and I used my wish because I knew he should win.” When asked about the fairness of the use of genie wishes in professional play, Trump answered, “Hey Atlanta is a great city, really the best, but they had access to lamps, too. Just because my lamp happened to have a Russian genie in it does not mean that the Patriots did not deserve to win. I know for a fact that there is no person out there who is not a Patriots fan, not one.
The use of outside magical forces has been a topic of controversy among the athletics community for decades. While the case of the NBA v. Calvin Cambridge ruled that magical objects, like magic sneakers, are not permitted in play, the Angels in the Outfield event ruled that teams can receive divine intervention so long as they are the underdogs in the game. Currently, Atlanta is looking into the players of the Patriots for any signs of cancer -ridden children or defunded orphanages that usually allow for such interventions to take place.
The Medium was able to reach Trump’s genie for a comment as he was being held at the airport by the TSA due to his assumed Middle Eastern origin. When asked about the other possible wishes all the genie, Ugo, had to say was, “I’m just glad he wasted two of them. From what that Bannon guy was telling him to wish for, you just be glad that he didn’t know to wish for more wishes.”