BY Latin Mama
It’s bad enough that I’ll have to sit through the holidays with my extended family who are all racist Trump supporters, but now I’ll have to also have to somehow survive Thanksgiving dinner as a vegetarian. Hopefully these tips will get me through it.
1). Have your family watch a PETA video against their will right before dinner. Everyone has to be informed, even if they don’t want to be!
2). Protest animal rights by showing up naked to Thanksgiving dinner. Not sure why the PETA people do it, but hell, gives you a reason to be in your birthday suit around your uncle besides in the bedroom.
3). Threaten killing yourself by jumping in the oven. Don’t forget to baste yourself in marinade (**extra on the meaty buttcheeks**).
4). Name the turkey Gary and force everyone to refer to him as such.
5). Find a new family. Fuck those flesh-eating monsters anyway.
NEW YORK CITY— Earlier this morning, animal rights group PETA reportedly bought out the NFL, in order to force football players to use live pigs instead of footballs.
The inclusion of this recent rule has been introduced with heavy scrutiny, which prompted PETA to make a statement saying, “The usage of live pigs instead of the barbaric ‘pigskins’ previously used will prevent the slaughtering of millions of pigs a year, while still maintaining the spirit of America’s favorite past-time.”
Critics of this rule have argued that the football has never been made out of pigskin, and official NFL footballs have actually been made out of cowhide since 1955. PETA has not yet responded to these claims.
Defensive lineman David Carter has become a vocal supporter of the new rule. “This is a big win for us vegans. Also a big win for pigs everywhere, cause they don’t have to die and stuff. Bit of an inconvenience for those pigs getting tossed around now, but I don’t believe that all pigs should be able to live in peace, if that means that even one pig must be sacrificed.”
Quarterback and part-time philosopher Russell Wilson had an opposing opinion to David Carter. “Why shouldn’t all pigs be able to live peaceful, free-roaming lives in exchange for the death of a member? Do the ends not justify the means in such an extreme scenario as this? If the pigs can live with the notion that they must kill one of their own to create footballs from his or her hide, then so be it I say.”
In a survey on NFL.com, when asked what the fans thought of the new ruling, 84% of surveyors were “excited as tits for field goals and touchdown dances.”
BY The Guy Dating a Vegan
Vegan food really isn’t too bad these days. When I was younger, I felt like it wasn’t too good but now it’s really great! Well, “really great” might be an overstatement but it’s definitely halfway decent. Ever since I started dating my girlfriend, Jen, we’ve been eating a lot of vegan food. Every single day we come together and make a delicious vegan meal together…. then we make love together, it’s really amazing, together we are one. I love Jen, she’s the love of my life and I’ll never meet a girl like her again….I mean, veganism is a small price to pay for love…right? I’m sure we will be together ‘til death do us part… and even if our relationship doesn’t last forever, how can I support the inhumane killing and torturing of animals? I mean Jen changed my world. She was my first and last love and she has taught me more than anyone else ever has. She’s amazing, and yeah she left me but it’s ok. I’ll be ok. I don’t want anyone but her and that’s it. I don’t need Jen. I just—she was the love of my life, man. And veganism is good and all… I didn’t just become vegan to impress Jen…Animal mistreatment is horrible…Have you read that article? Jen please come back to me. You are all I have, I need you baby.