BY Fui Von Wiwii
Yesterday afternoon, I walked my wretched being down to our rustic old IHOP, looking only to drown my consciousness in viscous molasses of various colors and essences. However, upon arrival at the establishment, my gloom transformed into contempt as they try to shove their family-friendly, corporate, faux happiness down my tired throat.
I ordered their Create-A-Face Pancake to fashion my feelings of despair onto the canvas of a buttermilk pancake. However, they mistook my order, I suspect deliberately, and served me a Funny Face Pancake, the quintessence of mock euphoria; the edible personification of a barely legal porn star just trying to pay off debts.
Afterwards, I ordered their free stack of pancakes, hoping to forget the mistakes IHOP and I have made in the past. One bite put an end to that misconception. I broke down into tears, the porous flapjacks absorbing my tears with ease. The wait staff attempted to console my shattered soul, but nothing can mend me now. The only thing I could do was leave, never to look back at the ruins I have left in my wake.
7/10. Free pancakes are still free.
Barbara Not Walters
EDISON— In an unprecedented move, a young woman bravely managed to make it to the mall and shop by herself. Kara Fleming, a freshman in the School of Arts and Sciences, got in her car on Saturday afternoon and drove—all on her own—to the Menlo Park Mall in Edison. However, once she arrived, she began having doubts.
“I’ve never gone shopping by myself. I don’t even go to the mall by myself! Like, who actually does?” She told reporters after the fact.
Regardless, Fleming continued to walk in and out of various stores, trying on outfits. Braving through the discomfort and judging glances she got from 16 year old mean girls in Abercrombie, Fleming still managed to make a few purchases, even without getting approval from her friends first.
“I bought a couple of dresses and some really cute tops. Oh and tons of cheap jewelry!” Fleming exclaimed. “Since my friends weren’t with me, I couldn’t get their validation, but I took a big risk and bought the stuff anyway. Seriously, this is a big deal. Girls NEVER buy stuff without getting a friend’s approval first.”
Despite the harrowing experience, Fleming says that she came out of the experience a changed woman. She says that she now feels more comfortable going out to shop by herself, and is also in the process of trying to go on other outings by herself.
“I am realizing that it’s actually a lot of fun being by myself. I’m awesome, fuck my stupid friends,” she cried.
Fleming reportedly has plans to go to the movies by herself next weekend and buy a big ass popcorn to not share with anyone.
BY Douglas Fir
Each year, tens of millions of my brethren meet their demise in the name of the commercialist American Christmas holiday. Axemen and sawyers trespass our native forests to mow down scores of spruces, pines, and firs at the trunk, hauling away the carcasses and deracinating their remains.
Trees of all ages are sold off without a cent of reparation to their bereaved families in this complex of industry. Profits benefit the monsters that murder our young without regard and promote the continued subjugation of my race. The arboreal victims are then strapped atop Ford Windstars and brought to suburban houses, where they are roughly pushed through thresholds and covered in tinsel, trinkets, and baubles.
To further this indignity, the abducted trees are erected in living rooms beside heating vents and fireplaces. The carcasses soon dry out and weeks later, the desiccated corpses are thrown to the curb, to be collected and composted in mass-graves.
This mistreatment defies our nature as evergreens, a proud history of growing tall and wide in our old age. But of course even the elders of our tribe aren’t sacred! The great hundred-foot spruces are deposited in your cities for tourists to skate and shuffle by in congested crowds. But we never agreed to be treated as spectacles, cut down and manhandled in defiance of our innate rights.
To quote the horticultural freedom fighter Pamela Isley, I encourage you to be a conscious consumer this season and not participate in “the mad campaign of botanical genocide that grips this country every December.”