Category Archives: Volume LIV Issue X
Grown Men Are Finally Getting Sexually Educated
BY Linda Albert
Ever since this whole sexual harassment scandal started to unfold with Bill O’Reilly, Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey, Brett Ratner, George Takei, Roy Moore etc., I’ve noticed some odd behavior in the office. It all started with Paul from accounting bringing in donuts every day for the past week and offering them to the ladies of the office and Kyle before anyone else. Then there was George from marketing who complimented my blouse and then quickly muttered, “I mean, only in a professional way, I like the color, nothing else.” And then there’s Dennis in sales who accidentally bumped into me as we were leaving the elevator and started profusely apologizing for touching me, claiming, “It was a complete accident. I’ve never wanted to touch your body. Not even that time at the company picnic.”
It’s as if they’re all on the defensive, afraid that any past action can and will be used against them, and it will. I kind of pity the way they shudder, tiptoeing around the office, cautious of every decision and comment they make. But it’s about freakin’ time. I’m tired of them thinking it’s okay to comment about screwing the secretary or have a literal dick-measuring contest in the break room. They need to learn to behave as professional adults and they should be afraid that at any moment they could lose their jobs for being perverted assholes. And Gary, if at the next board meeting if I catch you staring at me while you have your hand down your pants, you know damn well I’ll report you. I am now empowered and will take down anyone that tries to go down on me.
Dick of the Week: Reince Penis
KKK-Pop
1. White, and a good Fellow by Grand Wizard Khalifa
2. Bake it off (The Jews) by Taylor’s List
3. Loyalty (To the Master Race) by KKKendrick Bizarre ft. The Neo Nazis
4. Gasoline by Daddy Yankee Doodle ft. Lil Adolf
5. There’s Nothing Holding me Black by Shawn Mengele
6. My President is White by Young Jesus
7. Free you Again, Not! by Tyler, The Executioner
8. All my Negroes are Dead by Lil AR15
9. The Great Wall of Trump by Tronald Dump
10.My Heart is in Alabamanana by KKKamila KKKabello
Admissions Skyrocket as NCAA Recognizes Beer Pong as a Sport
BY Ivan Yakinov
PISCATAWAY—Adding to the ever growing list of unprofitable sports in college that get subsidized by the football program, beer pong will now be an official sport at over 1,200 colleges and universities across the country. The decision was made last week and was officially announced today by the NCAA President Mark Emmett.
Speaking from NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis, Emmett said, “The extreme effort students go through to make the winning pong shot when they are on the verge of passing out can be compared to the game winning shot Michael Jordan made over Bryon Russell while having the flu in the 1997 NBA Finals. Beer pong players are great athletes and truly are freaks of nature and we feel it’s the right time to exploit that for money.”
In light of this news, a large surge in college applications have baffled university administrators everywhere.
At Rutgers, the admissions website has crashed due to high web traffic, and not another DDOS attack.
The Dean of Admissions at Rutgers and the head of the IT Department, too ashamed to deal with this again, had no comment as they both plan on taking a leave of absence until this whole thing blows over.
Many of the hundreds of thousands of new college applicants have also applied for the full ride beer pong scholarship that will now be offered at all eligible schools.
The competition for these scholarships will be fierce. In order to be eligible for one, a student must have at least three years of drinking prior to college, ability to chug five Natural Lights in a row, and must be able to get through at least six full games of beer pong without blacking out.
5 Thanksgiving Side Dishes That Will Start a Political Debate Between Your Family
This Thanksgiving, use this list to figure out what dishes you shouldn’t bring if you want a nice, peaceful, apolitical family meal.
Brussels Sprouts with Bacon – Despite the bacon attempting to save this dish, bringing brussels sprouts to the meal will definitely lead to Uncle Jeff bringing up Brussels, the de facto capital of the EU, and why Brexit was necessary to get out of the tangled mess of laws that are forcing large economies to hold up unimportant countries and the bacon just reminds Jeff of the migrant situation that the EU is facing.
Butternut Squash – Seriously? BUTTerNUT squash? Skip bringing this to the meal unless you want to hear Uncle Glen go off again on why “The Gays don’t deserve rights and what they’re doing in their bedrooms when they sodomize each other is unholy.” Last year he immediately followed that by going out to his Ford F-150 and sitting at the dessert table caressing his shotgun. For your mother’s sanity, just don’t bring this.
Couscous Risotto – You thought it would be fun to do an alternative to regular risotto, but of course Aunt Kathy, a postal worker, sees the Middle-Eastern origin of this dish and will absolutely go off on how all Muslims are terrorists who try to send anthrax and bombs through the mail. She spent the majority of last year insisting that the entire family should eat only pork to stick it to those “Halal fucks.” Her words, not mine. Good thing you didn’t bring Fariba, your new Muslim girlfriend this year.
Dulce De Leche – Here goes Uncle Glen again, Glen, a foreman at the local manufacturing plant is immediately going to launch into a tirade about getting “These god-damn job stealing Mexicans out of his country and plant.” Cinco cervezas deep, Glen, who has no problem drinking Corona, is going to keep going on about how Mexican desserts have no place in this country as long as his heart is pumping and his blood is red like an American.
Tofurkey – Your newly Vegan cousin tried to bring one of these last year, insisting everyone should try it while talking about why Christopher Columbus was a genocidal monster, and that the pilgrims were rapists who took the land of the Native Americans without giving them anything in return, besides syphillis. In response, Grandpa Walter turned to your parents yelling, “I can’t believe you two are paying for her to go to Vassar and get her mind filled with this liberal bullshit. Back in my day, it was called Thanksgiving because they liked it.”
News in Pictures: Oral Exam
Oral exams are banned at Rutgers after a student is caught giving head to a professor. “It said oral exam on the syllabus,” said sophomore student Amy Luo-Holtzman. “I was practicing for it all semester by hooking up with random guys at parties, but now all that practice has gone to waste.”
NJ Poll Shows Most People Voted for Phil Murphy Because His Name Doesn’t Sound Like a Detention Camp
Sue De Nim
Proud Demoblican
TRENTON— A recent poll regarding the 2017 gubernatorial election between Democrat Phil Murphy and Republican Kim Guadagno suggests that over ninety percent of voters that chose Murphy did so because his last name didn’t sound like a United States detention camp. The election, which occurred on November 7th, had an incredible turnout of over 60 percent of eligible voters. We asked why each individual chose the particular candidate they did, whether it was their domestic policies, their party affiliation, or really just anything about their political stances. Most people said that they really just didn’t want to vote for “the Guantanamo lady.”
“I went out on Tuesday to vote because I’m a good, upstanding American citizen. That’s why I had to vote for the guy with the whitest sounding name ever conceived,” said Jim Johnson. Other voters shared the same sentiment, which is likely what resulted in the landslide victory for the Democrat. We asked if the decision had anything to do with the controversial behavior of Chris Christie, who helped run Guadagno’s campaign, but this wasn’t even a factor for voters.
“As a Muslim, I just didn’t get a good feeling when I saw her name for the first time on the ballot on Tuesday. I know she probably won’t deport me or inflict horrific torturous activity of that with which is reserved for heinous war criminals on me or my family, but am I really about to take that risk?” said Abdul Jamaal al-Saladin. Half the voters seemed to just pick a name at random, regardless of the gut feeling they get when looking at their names.
“I am confident the good citizens of New Jersey chose to elect me to the office of governor because they believe in my progressive positions and my steadfast economic policies,” said governor elect Murphy. “There is no way I was elected at random.”
But it seems like he was, as not a single person was able to convey even the most basic of either of the two candidates policies, and effectively went to the polls with a blindfold over their precious little eyes. Regardless, Murphy plans to enact his first law into action, which he has appropriately called “Murphy’s Law,” which he has stated saying, “I’ve got a really good feeling about it.”
Indecisive Naked Man Who Spends Hours in the Closet Mistaken for Homosexual
BY Ivan Yakinov
Dashcam Enthusiast
CLEVELAND— It only took him 6 hours and 9 minutes today, but Holden McGroin has finally come out of the closest, for about the 1,435th time in his life. McGroin, born with a chronic medical condition which makes him unable to make up his mind on anything, spends anywhere from 5-7 hours a day just deciding on what he’s going to wear.
McGroin’s wardrobe consists of only 2 badly stained white t-shirts, an XXXL size hand me down dress shirt from his late uncle, a blood stained wifebeater from his domestic violence case from 3 years ago, and a pair of early 2000s jorts. Despite the small selection and the fact that half of them probably don’t even fit him, he says choosing his outfit every day is a very difficult decision, even more difficult he says, than choosing whether he should masturbate or be productive for the day.
“So I’m in my closet naked, I close the doors, and start talking to the voices in my head. It’s a struggle every day. Do I wear my uncle’s dress shirt and look like the guy who lost the title of world’s fattest man? Or do I look like the guy who just paid off his bail bondsman and is getting ready to serve his time in the slammer?”
Due the large amount of time McGroin spends in his daily life in the closet, he has set up a makeshift bed made out of dirty old semen stained socks and has a huge shelf of adult diapers. From the moment McGroin discovered his condition, everyone has suspected him of being gay. His mom, dad, siblings, and friends are all convinced.
At this point, McGroin simply cannot do anything to convince anyone that he’s not gay. He even goes to extreme measures to try to prove it as well. “I insist to everyone I’m straight. Hell, I even showed my parents the totally straight tranny porn I jerk off too. I’ve been told many times that I’m faking my condition. But I assure you, my condition is real. It’s takes a whole another level of crazy to fake a condition and then show your parents your porn if it actually was fake.”
There’s a small chance McGroin’s condition can become terminal. But before that happens, he is convinced to make the most out of his life. He won’t let indecisiveness and anti-gay name calling get the best of him. That’s why he’s been at Home Depot right now for the past 5 hours trying to decide which shade of rainbows he wants to paint his closet.
The Medium 