Tag Archives: Republicans

NJ Poll Shows Most People Voted for Phil Murphy Because His Name Doesn’t Sound Like a Detention Camp

Sue De Nim
Proud Demoblican

TRENTON— A recent poll regarding the 2017 gubernatorial election between Democrat Phil Murphy and Republican Kim Guadagno suggests that over ninety percent of voters that chose Murphy did so because his last name didn’t sound like a United States detention camp. The election, which occurred on November 7th, had an incredible turnout of over 60 percent of eligible voters. We asked why each individual chose the particular candidate they did, whether it was their domestic policies, their party affiliation, or really just anything about their political stances. Most people said that they really just didn’t want to vote for “the Guantanamo lady.”

“I went out on Tuesday to vote because I’m a good, upstanding American citizen. That’s why I had to vote for the guy with the whitest sounding name ever conceived,” said Jim Johnson. Other voters shared the same sentiment, which is likely what resulted in the landslide victory for the Democrat. We asked if the decision had anything to do with the controversial behavior of Chris Christie, who helped run Guadagno’s campaign, but this wasn’t even a factor for voters.

“As a Muslim, I just didn’t get a good feeling when I saw her name for the first time on the ballot on Tuesday. I know she probably won’t deport me or inflict horrific torturous activity of that with which is reserved for heinous war criminals on me or my family, but am I really about to take that risk?” said Abdul Jamaal al-Saladin. Half the voters seemed to just pick a name at random, regardless of the gut feeling they get when looking at their names.

“I am confident the good citizens of New Jersey chose to elect me to the office of governor because they believe in my progressive positions and my steadfast economic policies,” said governor elect Murphy. “There is no way I was elected at random.”

But it seems like he was, as not a single person was able to convey even the most basic of either of the two candidates policies, and effectively went to the polls with a blindfold over their precious little eyes. Regardless, Murphy plans to enact his first law into action, which he has appropriately called “Murphy’s Law,” which he has stated saying, “I’ve got a really good feeling about it.”

Conservatives have to continue on together: Conservative Cold Takes

BY Danielle Misformurder

I’ve been reading into Conservatism recently, and I realized, that we need to stay together. Recently, we’ve been attacked by libtards, snowflakes and all those other rational, respectful people who have proper views that don’t discriminate or hate entire ethnic groups. They may think what they’re doing is correct, but they are absolutely wrong.

We need to stay together. I’m sure you’re fully aware that this is obvious but it needs to be reiterated. Think about conservatism not staying together. In that case, we won’t even be conservatives anymore.

I want you to understand that I am conservative not because I want to be, but because I need to be. Without conservatism, what will conservatives do? Probably continue to be conservative but that’s not the point. The point is that without conservatism…well shit.

I just want to take this one paragraph to talk about Conservative Cold Subs, my new business venture. It will be similar to Subway, Quiznos or Jimmy John’s, but there will only be cold subs, none of that hot sub bullshit. Hot subs are for minorities. So come down to Conservative Cold Subs, where minorities use the back door. Anyway, back to the article.

I want you to understand that Reagan was a good guy. So was H.W, read my lips, no new taxes! Remember, that’s what conservatism is about, it’s about living in the past and not accepting the future.

Paul Ryan needs our help, and I know that we are going to stay together, because conservatism is about staying together, as white males, to help prevent all those other ethnic, racial and religious groups from getting equal footing in society. As long as we stick together, we can keep all those groups down, and make ourselves stay atop society, our whiteful spot.

Also, just one more time, come down to Conservative Cold Subs, for more Conservative Cold Takes. We know you want to keep agreeing with the intelligence that oozes out of my mouth. I am a wise wise woman, and you should come down to my sandwich emporium to keep hearing my intelligence.

I love you all, shoutout to Tomi Lahren, the original conservative cold take genius.

Danielle Misformurder is a Junior studying Reaganomics in the School of Arts and Sciences. She has no original thoughts and once a week, on Wednesdays, is able to come up with an incredibly unintelligent and unoriginal column about conservatives.

White Men Finally Feel Safe In United States of America

BY Arthur Case
Aging White Man

UNITED STATES—A week after the conclusion of the most intense presidential election quite possibly in history, the smoke is starting to clear and citizens of the US are starting to realize who they’ve elected.

President-Elect Donald Trump has made it abundantly clear that he has no interest in the well-being of Hispanic people, Muslims, women, gay people, immigrants, refugees, or (probably) Jews. However, he does truly resonate with the nations most oppressed group— white, middle class men.

“I just think he really gets it,” says local white man and All Lives Matter Facebook activist Ernie Smith. “He understands that we need to protect this country from terrorism, and that’s why we can’t let any Muslims into our beautiful country.”whitemen

Smith, who describes himself enthusiastically as “not racist,” is excited for his 7 year old son, Michael, to witness the first white president of his lifetime. “It’s going to be great. I think Trump is going to do a great job as president. I’m excited for my son to finally have his country back. We’re going to do great things.”

Smith says he is extremely optimistic that Trump can unite our beloved country.

Donald Trump Is an Icon

BY Jordan Bellenderdonaldicon.pngAs a privileged, alt-right, 20 something, cis-male I for one appreciate all that Donald Trump has brought to the culture of America this election season. The concept of being able to call a former US Senator, First Lady, and Secretary of State a “nasty woman” on the national stage is liberating. These were opinions that I would usually have to keep sequestered inside of me, but now thanks to “The Donald” it’s now an acceptable term in everyday parlance. Also we have a new phrase added to the lexicon of locker room talk, “Grab ‘em by the pussy” only The Donald could have written prose of such caliber for the everyday man.

Donald Trump has gone above and beyond the call of duty this election cycle by bringing the level of discussion to an all new level, one where we can bypass the stifling nature of political correctness and start talking about the real issues that Americans face. About all those “bad hombres” on the streets going around raping and murdering kids, and creating damning nicknames of career politicians. In my eyes there is no greater American than the Trumpster.

The white male has been oppressed for far too long, but thanks to the Donald we can now cast off our chains and embrace the freedoms entitled to all Americans. There was Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King Jr, and Harvey Milk for all those other people, but now is the time for the champion and demagogue of the white cis-male!

Donald Trump Still in the Fucking News

BY Mister Señor Love Daddy

NEW YORK—Recent reports have confirmed the Republican nominee for President of the United States, Donald Trump, is somehow still in the fucking news. After the most recent arbitrary thing Trump has done, various news outlets are having a field day ripping him apart. As inconceivable as it is that one person could consistently dominate headlines every day for an entire year, Trump is still doing it.

WOW, ANOTHER FUCKING HEADLINE Donald Trump does a thing which inevitably pisses off human beings

Jonathan McBride, a local voter, expresses is frustration with the news. “I turn on CNN, FOX, NBC, doesn’t matter. It’s just him. There isn’t anything else on my TV anymore. I used to turn on the news to see what’s going on in the world, and now I don’t even bother. I can’t believe how long they’re drawing this shit out.”

McBride, like many American voters, is fed up with the current state of reporting. The most baffling part of all of this is that every arbitrary thing Trump does actually is more ridiculous than the last.

The public is anxiously awaiting the day when our news stations will report on the things we care about. McBride asks, Why can’t we just turn on the news and see some Syrian city being leveled by drone strikes, like in the good old days? I just want it to go back to the way it was before.”

McBride, like most of the public, hopes the news will return to normal after the election on November 8th.

Public Can’t Remember Which V.P. is With Which

BY Raul Walker
Stunt Diver

In the raging tire fire that is the 2016 Presidential Election, a shocking revelation came after the announcement of the Vice Presidential Debate. On the periphery of the fire, the two Vice Presidential candidates found themselves to be indiscernible in the eyes of the voters. A codependent poll has shown that a shocking 2 percent of Americans can accurately match the correct Vice Presidential nominee to their Presidential counterpart. The rest of the public has been left in a frenzy trying to determine who to label as a “racist fanatical bigot” and who is the “baby eating traitor to freedom”. Confusion has only compounded as photos of the two sub-candidates began circulating in preparation for their debate. “The overwhelming whiteness of the two really makes them hard to tell apart.” said six year sophomore Martin Straighte. “It’s like you try to look at Kaine’s face and all you see is Trump’s orange glow, you look at Pence’s face and all you see is the red blood of the innocent Americans Hillary let die.”

Both Kaine and Pence have commented on this issue and confessed that they have been having the same issue. “After the debate, I actually went onto Trump’s bus by mistake” recalled Senator Tim Kaine, “We went a fourth of the way to Ohio before anyone of us noticed, Pence was there too and we all just let it ride.”

Pence commented that “I thought I was supposed to be with Hillary. I just saw Trump falling all over himself at the debate and struggled to remember ‘Was this the guy who asked me to run with him?’ luckily I ended up being right. However Kaine being on the bus threw me for a loop.”