By Sue de Nimm
NEW BRUNSWICK — Despite her best attempts, Rutgers professor Sheila Fuqueue has still yet to succeed at attaining a chili pepper on her Rate My Professor profile. Having already slept with 3 students in her Women’s Empowerment course, Fuqueue is struggling to come up with a good method of being awarded that elusive spicy vegetable of attraction.
The chili pepper was added to the Rate My Professor website to allow bored students to relive their glory days in high school and symbolically jack off to their hot teachers. Students can then check impending professors so they can pick a section in which they can at least daydream a reality in which they have a shot with someone way out of their league. For Professor Fuqueue, the lack of such recognition is humiliating.
“What more can I do?” said Fuqueue, fumbling over a half used bottle of Xanax and some used tissues. “I already bend over to pick up my clicker with my blouse unbuttoned at least 5 times a lecture while exclaiming ‘Whoops! I’m such a silly ol’ slut’. I mean I guess I could try anal.” Other professors in the department have the chili pepper, despite claiming to not even have given so much as a handie to a single one of their students.
“I mean, she was like, OK I guess,” said one of the fucked students Craigory Jamison, while skateboarding and drinking a Corona Lite. “I can’t just start handing out chili peppers to every professor that sucks my dick. There has to be an effort made, and I didn’t feel like she put in that effort.”
The University has stated that they will begin to crack down on instances like these that tarnish the good name of Rutgers by making sure that professors are working extra hard and ruling that no chili pepper be awarded to a teacher that hasn’t sucked and fucked at least a dozen students.