Tag Archives: Professor

Freshman Women’s Studies Major Finds Out He’s Lesbian

BY Sue Denim
Gal That Fucks

NEW BRUNSWICK— After just three weeks into fall classes, Hayden Weiner came to the shocking realization that he is, in fact, be a lesbian. College is a time for discovery: Discovering who your friends are, what your interests are, and what you want to do with your life. For Mr. Weiner, it was discovering that he was actually a lesbian.

“I think I finally caught on to something during my second Gender, Culture, and Representation lecture. The professor was reading a story about a person who was attracted to females and I thought, ‘Hey that sounds a lot like me!’ Then she revealed that this person was a woman and I thought, ‘Oh my god. I’m a lesbian?!’” said Mr. Weiner.

lesbian
SHOCKER Artist rendition of the exact moment poor Hayden realized he was one of them gay chicks

The Rutgers LGBTQA+ community has reached out to Hayden and assured him that he was not the only freshman to undergo this life altering discovery, and that he will be accepted with open arms.

“It’s so strange. My whole life I’ve been attracted to girls and just assumed that meant I was heterosexual. I never even considered that this whole time I liked girls because I was lesbian,” said Mr. Weiner.

Professor Aubrey Hope -Fleming, the professor of that fateful lecture, has approached the Medium, explaining what she thinks the situation is.

“It is very common for students to come to this discovery about themselves in my classroom. I really try to get the students to rethink their view of sexuality. When I show a picture of a busty young broad on the projector to the enjoyment of many of the men in the audience, I want those men to be baffled when they find out that maybe they are actually women attracted to that young lady,” said Hope-Fleming.

The Women and Gender studies department has many resources and scientific papers that link college age men with late onset homosexuality.

“This is life changing for me. How will I ever be allowed in straight bars? Or take that dream vacation to Saudi Arabia?” said Weiner.

After some thought, Mr. Weiner has decided to embrace the change, and has since cut his hair six inches and has started wearing tucked in button down shirts, chinos, and loafers everywhere.

Class Too Small to Go Without Acknowledging Professor

BY Dale
Just Wants a Hula Hoop

NEW BRUNSWICK — Just before walking into class, junior Adrianna Canillo was forced to put on a half-smile and wave uninspiringly as she passed her professor of Sports Writing and Reporting, a class of only 25 people.

Canillo arrived to class early and walked by her professor, Allen Roberts, sitting outside class. The two made eye contact, and because the class is so small, were forced to make light of each other’s presence.

“Yeah this is the only reason why large classes are better,” said Canillo, who is majoring in Journalism and Media Studies. “In those classes I can walk by my professors and ignore them without a problem. But in these small classes, I feel so awkward if I do that.”

According to multiple student reports, there is always a moment of hesitancy when seeing professors of small classes outside of the classroom. Students usually first analyze their relationship with the professor, physical distance from the professor and whether or not the professor is interacting with other people.

“I usually try to go on my phone or put my in earbuds,” said Canillo, who is now too deep into her major to take large classes, which would negate this issue. “But in this case, I didn’t have time. He was like right there. I’ve only spoken up in class like three times, so I didn’t know if he recognized me or not. I panicked.”

Canillo apparently felt incredibly uncomfortable during her awkward greeting. Her relationship with the professor is neither too distant to warrant ignoring him, nor close enough to demand a friendly gesture.

“Honestly I wish I just ignored him,” added Canillo. “What was I thinking. Now he’s gonna expect something from me in class. I just sit there and go on my phone and search for internships. This wave is gonna change everything.”

University Professor Taking a Big Risk Wearing Those Fucking Crocs

BY Grind All
Dead

NEW BRUNSWICK- This past Friday New Jersey saw some of the best weather it has seen in months. With temperatures reaching the mid 70s, Rutgers saw students and faculty breaking out their summer wardrobe. In particular, biology professor Martha Moore was seen sporting a pair of bright orange crocs. This bold choice rocked Busch Campus, causing outcries of “what are those” to erupt during class as well as general shock amongst colleagues of Moore. crocks.png

“I knew Martha had a wild side to her but I didn’t know it was like this!” exclaimed fellow biologist Carla Mooney.

Upon revealing her crocs, rumors began to spread that Moore wears her crocs without socks, but only on Saturday nights when she’s feeling “frisky and free.”

Student reports say they never expected Moore to be like this.

“Yesterday she was just my biology professor who was really bad at grading papers on time,” said student Kelly Shah. “Now she’s a bad ass who says ‘fuck you’ to the rules.”

Since Friday temperatures have dropped again causing Moore to put away the crocs and go back to her basic sketchers. Moore could not be reached for comment but Rutgers is surely on the edge of their seats waiting to see what this innovator does next.

Stat Professor Slept on Couch Last Night

BY Dr. Tossed Salad
Sexual Step Dad

HIHGLAND PARK – As of late last night, reports have indicated that Professor Michael Edwards, a senior member of the Statistics department here at Rutgers University, is about to be in some serious shit at home, and chances are he will be sleeping on the couch tonight. If this scenario plays out as we here at The Medium predict, you may want to consider skipping class Thursday as Professor Edwards will be in a baaaaaaaaad fucking mood. And when we say bad, we mean holy shit bad because honestly, he didn’t even fuck up that bad.

Our reporters have been following Professor Edwards all week very closely, being asked to go away numerous occasions, but hey, we knew he’d mess some shit up if we kept watching, even if it took all damn semester! Edwards returned home Wednesday evening at 4:47pm, and went to go relax after a hard day’s work. Just this semester alone, Edwards has so far answered 143 emails regarding special permission numbers, having to read lie after lie of students saying they are “eager” and “excited” to take his Money & Statistics class, crushing his soul harder and harder as he knew this class was a requirement for all Rutgers Business School students hoping to find a career in Supply Chain Management. Poor bastards. He knew he couldn’t help them now, or in the future.

The rest of his week consisted of answering questions such as: “Is the syllabus on Blackboard?” “How much of our grade is attendance?” and “Do we need to buy the Turning Technology clicker? Why not iClicker?” Obviously, he had a tough week.

Once he was home, his wife, Mrs. Carly Edwards asked him semi-politely to take the dog out for his nightly walk, something Mrs. Edwards has been doing herself, unassisted, the last 4 years, since the soul crushed Professor does the goddamn dishes. Professor Edwards sighed but got out of his “comfy chair” after only a few minutes of moaning like a baby.

After hearing the seemingly harmless sigh, Carly went into a vicious rage: stating the obvious that the Professor never made time for her anymore before continuing in her tirade by referring to him as a “dickless sack of shit” at the pinnacle of her onslaught. Our reporters couldn’t believe what was happening. Damn she was ruthless, as the Professor was in fact not dickless, but rather just had a little bit of ED. Hey it happens, don’t kill the guy over it.

Anyway, due to the circumstances, there is a 83% chance Professor Edwards will be sleeping on the couch tonight, and it is very likely he will still be fucking pissed off by Thursdays 2:15 class. It may be a good time to skip your first class of the semester. Maybe go to the gym? Get a coffee with your roommate who only had a 9:50am class? Anything is better than what’s in store for the poor fuckers who show up.

Online Exclusive: Professors Take Up Summer Jobs

BY Sawyer

Rutgers1766Although the University offers summer classes, many professors find themselves with much time on their hands and very few ways to supplement their income over the months between spring and fall semesters. A group of enterprising educators has ventured out taking odd jobs in the community and even taking some entrepreneurial action.

Dr. Glenn Talbot, who usually teaches “Medieval and Early Women Writers”, has resorted to selling Cutco knives to his mother’s friends. He explained that his second job is product of the fact that his options are extremely limited:

“The University simply has no place for me over the summer. And my education doesn’t qualify me for tutoring anything besides Medieval Culture. The options for me fall into waiting at Denny’s for minimum wage or teaching practically useless courses at slightly above minimum wage. That’s what I do: teaching students who need to fill requirements and couldn’t get into ‘Dance Appreciation’ and teaching students who will be qualified for no other job but my own. I don’t have tenure and they’re going to replace me.”

Dr. Thad Ross, Talbot’s predecessor explained, “Talbot took my job after he graduated my classes. If I hadn’t been scamming people by getting them involved in Amway, I would have had no way to pay for my second undergraduate degree in Accounting! I’ll have a permanent job once I graduate.”

Even educators with better prospects have been seeking additional income for the summer. Adjunct professor Rick Jones, who teaches Nuclear Physics, has been making his money online. Jones, 25, is rated full-on “spicy” according to RateMyProfessors.com and is capitalizing on his standing with students. “I would usually be doing shirtless yardwork for sororities in the sweltering summer sun, but now I’m using social media for more money in a more comfortable setting. Who wouldn’t rather work from bed?

“Facebook recently introduced money transfers to their messaging service, which already has video calling. I’m now getting paid for personal cam shows online. That’s a huge network of clients with a good reputation for being reliable and safe. Also, my clients don’t have the guilt of going to a strip club or smutty website like ‘Live Jizman’. I’m making $30/hour!”

At press time, Talbot was telling Jones of the superior quality of Cutco knives and how they make a perfect gift for his seven-year-old niece’s birthday, far better than an expensive American Girl doll.

What’s Wrong With Wanting to Fuck a Freshman?

BY MICHAEL PARRE

pic5So, here’s the thing: You must think I’m a depraved, manipulative human being for fantasizing about sex with a student. But this is my side: what’s wrong with wanting to fuck my hot freshman student? I mean, aside from the stupid Title IX legal restrictions placed by Rutgers that could send me to prison if I break them.

She’s taken four of my classes so far, and has sat in the same seat in the front row each time. Do you know how many times I’ve gotten the “I’m sucking your dick in my mind” look from her? Many. Many fucking times.
And to those of you who are thinking “He’s such a predator, he’s abusing his power by coercing his impressionable young student,” Fuck.You.

I’m a 27 year-old male professor, how dare I try to take advantage of some poor freshman?

Yes, she is a freshman. A fucking 35 year old freshman. How do you take advantage of a 35 year old?

If anything, I want her to be taking advantage of me. Let her be the professor in this case.

Look, I don’t know why a 35 year old woman decided to come back to college to study English literature, but far be it from me to judge. Maybe she’s a divorcee and has decided to “find herself.”

You know what, fuck it. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. We DID fuck. And it was good.

I have no regrets.

Although I did briefly question myself when, in the middle of me fucking her into oblivion, she said to me, “Katy Perry just really has inspired me to be my own woman. To rise above the patriarchy. Just like that woman in ‘Gone Girl’ did.”

Speaking of, the main dude from ‘Gone Girl’ fucked his student too. And everything worked out just fine for him, didn’t it?

5 Ways to Annoy People

Volume XLVIII Issue X

BY THE HEN HEN MAN: LIKES TACOS, HATES BURRITOS

1) Tell everyone next to you that you have Ebola when embarking on a packed bus.

2) Ask every girl on Douglass campus what their preferred gender pronoun is then proceed to ask them if they are lesbian.

3) Yell “IS THIS GOING TO BE ON THE EXAM?” whenever your professor finishes a sentence during the lecture.

4) Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go” and that you don’t want cheese in your cheese burger.

5) Ask your 1-800 operator where they are call­ing from and then follow up by telling them you’re also from the same city and then ask him or her for a date.