LinkedIn is Bullshit

By: Me, Goddammit

 

Me and my friends are no more than 21 years old. They tell me for months on end “get a LinkedIn!” So I did. Never have I been more disappointed in my whole life. I know my friends well. They like to get drunk and smoke at 3 pm on a weekday. Others like to lay in bed all day and watch Netflix. Nothing wrong with that, to each their own. But when I see that these same friends say that they’re equity analysts or financial coordinators at some company, I take my gun and shoot some glass bottles to get my rage out. If I wake the neighbors up then that’s even better. Why are my friends so pretentious? Half of them don’t even know how to boil pasta correctly. They throw the noodles in with the water and set them to boil all at once. These are the people we are letting take charge of our money? These are the people who water their lawns during a thunderstorm! Now, they’re telling the world they’re about to be certified public accountants? God, help us. When this current snowstorm passes, they’re the type who’ll shovel their walkways and dump the extra snow on their neighbor’s stoop. So, yeah, LinkedIn is bullshit. Oh, and as far as I’m concerned, I’m not an angry person. Far from it. I just want to create an app with no pretentiousness. I’ll call it DetachedOut. Join today and say why you’d make a bad employee. May the most honest one win a job.

Admissions Skyrocket as NCAA Recognizes Beer Pong as a Sport

BY Ivan Yakinov

PISCATAWAY—Adding to the ever growing list of unprofitable sports in college that get subsidized by the football program, beer pong will now be an official sport at over 1,200 colleges and universities across the country. The decision was made last week and was officially announced today by the NCAA President Mark Emmett.

“MORE AMERICAN THAN SYSTEMATIC RACISM” Finding a way to make something as recreational as drinking competitive is a cornerstone in the American persona.

Speaking from NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis, Emmett said, “The extreme effort students go through to make the winning pong shot when they are on the verge of passing out can be compared to the game winning shot Michael Jordan made over Bryon Russell while having the flu in the 1997 NBA Finals. Beer pong players are great athletes and truly are freaks of nature and we feel it’s the right time to exploit that for money.”

In light of this news, a large surge in college applications have baffled university administrators everywhere.

At Rutgers, the admissions website has crashed due to high web traffic, and not another DDOS attack.

The Dean of Admissions at Rutgers and the head of the IT Department, too ashamed to deal with this again, had no comment as they both plan on taking a leave of absence until this whole thing blows over.

Many of the hundreds of thousands of new college applicants have also applied for the full ride beer pong scholarship that will now be offered at all eligible schools.

The competition for these scholarships will be fierce. In order to be eligible for one, a student must have at least three years of drinking prior to college, ability to chug five Natural Lights in a row, and must be able to get through at least six full games of beer pong without blacking out.

University Voices: How Was Your First Week of School?

Rutgers Ranked Top Ten in Dumb Sport for Douchebags

 

BY Maximum Powers
Livin’ The Dream

NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers Boys Lacrosse is now ranked number 10 in their division with a record of three wins and no losses. Just when it seems that all hope is lost for Rutgers Men’s Athletics, a ray of hope comes out of the most useless sport. Primarily a sport reserved for the whitest of high schools, Rutgers has seemed to have found success in a sport only your overly muscular cousin and that really creepy frat guy you met a the bar care about.

The 2016-2017 seasons have been tough for the men’s sports that do not involve rolling on a mat with another man, yet miraculously the douche population of Rutgers was able to produce a well functioning team. In the world of this ridiculous sport, there are apparently many factors in the success of a lacrosse team. While Rutgers has the sizeable frat and gym rat population required to form a strong lacrosse team, according to the team their success comes from their uncanny ability to throw a ball with a net.

THE STICK AND BALLS Chad Turner showing his lax skills by bludgeoning an opponent.

“We are just really good at throwing a ball by swinging a net,” team captain Chad Turner told the Medium. “At first most of us joined just to tell chicks we played a sport, but I guess we are just really beast at launching a ball using a net on a stick so we kept practicing and started winning games.”

So called “experts” on the sport also note the teams expert ability to fondle the rod the net is attached to as to keep the ball from falling out as well as their skill in catching the balls once thrown by swinging a net.

A strong ball throwing team is not unheard of, however Rutgers’s population of douchebags spread throughout the campuses keeps the douche concentrated and allows lax to flourish.

The Athletic Department is getting promotional materials ready to start selling tickets to the lacrosse games. In an interview with the press, Athletic Director Hobbs noted: “I wish it was literally any other sport, but hey you take what you can get.”

Elderly Man Appreciates the Finer Thangs at Rutgers

Jon Galt
Industrial Gas Producer

NEW BRUNSWICK—Though it’s often socially appropriate to condescend to English majors, it’s tough for a journalist to do when the student in question had a successful career in chemical engineering.

The student in question is Don Atello who enrolled last semester in the School of Arts and Science as a part-time student but has recently decided to take full advantage of the social opportunities at Rutgers.

The hoary freshman explained that he’s interested in connecting with today’s youth in ways he hadn’t considered before coming to Rutgers.

“Last semester, I met a nice young lady in ‘Poets and Power in Late Medieval England’ and I felt sixty-nine again…if you know what I mean,” the seventy-nine-year-old lothario said with a wink. “I introduced her to my ‘Power from Late Medieval England’…in bed! The kids still use that one, right?”

The school’s salacious septuagenarian has been attending fraternity rush events and received a bid last week to join Omicron Lambda Delta. “Our group of students continuing education at Rutgers is known by all the lasses as the place to party,” explained OLD President Walter Stanton, “if you have granddaddy issues and want some hanky-panky…sometimes even nookie!”

The organization of OLD, a historically geriatric fraternity, has been under fire from the children of its members, who claim that national dues in conjunction with inflated tuition rates have significantly reduced their inheritances.

Atello is committed to pledging OLD nevertheless. “Screw my four daughters’ wishes!” shouted the lecherous Literature student dismissively, “I’ll be screwing with girls a quarter of my age!”

University Voices: What Did You Do for Halloweekend?

College Ave Bro “Discovers” Livi Burger Bar

BY Grind All
Resident College Ave Bitch

PISCATAWAY—On Monday, October 10, Rutgers senior Christopher Columbo ventured to Livingston Campus to meet up with a fellow Alpha Delta bro for some basketball at the Livingston gym. He ended up arriving a little bit early and decided to grab some food at the Livingston dining hall.

“I had never been there so I figured why not?” said Columbo.

Upon walking into the dining hall Christopher got lost looking for the drinks and stumbled upon the burger bar toward the far right of the dining hall.

“I was just walkin’ and all of the sudden I just bumped into this burger bar!” said Columbo. “And I was like ‘Dude what the hell?! Why doesn’t anyone know about this?!'” It should be noted that this was said whilst disregarding all the young freshmen who stood around the burger bar patiently waiting for their order to be ready.

Columbo immediately began to Snapchat all his friends, tweet a picture of the burger bar, and make a short video on Instagram as well showing off the burger bar. Sources say his caption for all three was “Just discovered this sick burger bar bros! How did no one else find this before? lol #explorer.”

Columbo then began to get the lay of the land. He stood perplexed by the bar before a small freshman stepped up and helped him order off of the touch screen.

Christopher was then seen getting his burger and fries and confidently marching to the table right in front of the bar to eat his food.

In the days following witnesses stated that Columbo’s Instagram, Twitter, and snap story all blew up. Most of the comments included fellow Alpha Delta’s congratulating Columbo on braving such an unknown territory to college students and finding something amazing.

Within hours of the social media posts witnesses started noticing more and more College Ave frat bros hanging around the Livingston dining hall, specifically near the burger bar.

“All of the sudden there were all these guys with giant water jugs and sleeveless shirts” said freshman Lily Parker.

Within the next week the right side of the dining hall was completely overtaken by the College Ave bros and they made sure everyone knew it.

“I found this place!” said Columbo, when asked why he pushed a freshman out of the way in line for the burger bar. “This is our area! We were here first! Why don’t people understand that?”

Freshmen, who used to quietly enjoy the burger bar, are now being forced to give up their buger bar and stay near the salad bar.

“I tried to go over there the other day and it was chaos” said Parker. “All these guys were just cutting in front of everyone excusing themselves by saying that it was only fair because they were here first.”

Christopher and his crew are in talks of renaming the burger bar to the Burger Bro Bar in order to clearly represent the heritage of the bar.

The bros are even thinking about presenting a new holiday for the school board to honor Christopher and his amazing, new discovery.

What Your Drink Choice Says About You

BY Latin Mama

Corona: You are most likely a bro who’s been to Cancun on spring break more times than you’ve been to class. Also, the only Sublime song you know is “Santeria,” and you really just know the chorus and mumble the rest of the words in the drunken stupor which has become your sad life. You also without a doubt have a rockin’ dad bod which is coveted by all the bitchez.

Appletini: You like Scrubs and don’t fail to mention this every time you order this fancy drank. As you should, Brown Bear ;).

Vodka Cran: You’ve given up on trying to live up to your parents’ standards a loooong time ago. You are also most likely are a girl who says “like” so often that people start to fixate on this irritating habit, unbeknownst to, like, you.

Buttery Nipple: Yes, this is the name of a popular shot! You have a healthy sense of humor and are a biiit immature. Let’s be real: you only ordered it so that you could say “buttery nipple” out loud, and kudos for that. How many times in life can you actually say “buttery nipple” aloud and have it be socially acceptable (**besides during food fetish foreplay**)? Not often enough, that is for damn sure.

Keystone Light/Natty Ice: Isn’t it past your bedtime? Are you even old enough to be reading this paper? (**See age disclaimer on Page 1)

Everclear: This potent substance, composed of Chuck Norris’ tears mixed with the souls of 1,000 Gingers, proves that you are no amateur. You are a god amongst us peasants. We are unworthy of your presence. God bless your weeping liver and loved ones.

Straightedge/Don’t drink: You have a good head on your shoulders and are by far the sanest of the bunch. You get to maintain your integrity, and take videos of your friends making complete asshats of themselves! Win-win in my book.

Dance Marathon & Me

I kept a detailed log of my experiences at RU Dance Marathon. Here are the highlights:

Are You Graduating?

BY GRIND ALL

Spring break is over kiddos which means we are in the home stretch. Now if you’re a kid like me who has only been in college for at most 3 years, then you have nothing to worry about. But if you are rounding that 4 year mark or even beyond it, you need to start asking yourself, am I actually graduating? Here is a simple quiz to help you figure out whether you will be graduating or not.

1. How many years have you been in college?
a. 4 years
b. 5 years (yo we all need some extra time)
c. I feel personally attacked by that question (6+ years)

2. Are you here to play school?
a. Uh, yes?
b. I’m here to fucking play the game of life
c. WE HERE TO PLAY FOOTBALL NOT PLAY SCHOOL

3. Did you have to cheat in Dance App?
a. I didn’t even take dance app
b. Okay I slept through it and copied some shit but all in all the bullshit I passed in was mine
c. You think I have fucking time to see people tiptoeing in tutu’s and shit?! Of course I did!!

4. Did you get caught cheating in Dance App?
a. DID NOT TAKE IT JESUS
b. Fuck no I’m good at hiding that shit
c. Okay to be real it wasn’t my fault! I mean how was I supposed to know that copying a review from the NY Times and turning it in was “plagiarism”

5. Have you been to Club Alex?
a. I like going to Busch because it’s quieter
b. Only during finals week
c. Nah, is it new? Is it on George St or is it on Easton? Is there a cover charger? Are the girls hot there???

6. How’s dage season going?
a. I mean the weather’s nice to walk to class
b. Eh, I’ve missed some good ones but was able to go to most
c. I haven’t been sober since it was less than 60 degrees outside and I keep forgetting that school doesn’t get cancelled for nice weather

7. AYE WE WANT SOME __________ !
a. Degrees?
b. Pussy…
c. PUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY

Mostly A’s: You’ll graduate kiddo! You are going to class and doing your work like a good student and I am very sure your mom or whoever is paying your tuition is really proud of you.

Mostly B’s: You will graduate but late and just barely. But remember, D’s get degrees. So who cares that you fucked around? College is supposed to be fun and having 10 extra years of debt because of it isn’t THAT bad right?!

Mostly C’s: You’re not graduating dude. But hey you might have a budding sport career or college drop out bum career! Don’t worry, RU Grill is always looking for people to work the counter at 3 A.M. so there will always be a pay check for you somewhere.