By Gary Pooper
History was made this morning, as Academy Award winner Gary Oldman retired after reading a series of my tweets in which I insisted that his name was actually “Gay Old Man.” According to friends of the now-former actor, Gay Old Man was absolutely devastated after reading my witty comments. “There was no real way to rebut it. He’s 62. He can apply for Medicare in 3 years. He is objectively a gay old man.” Upon reading my tweet, Old Man locked his Twitter account and replaced his profile picture with an empty black screen. It is currently unknown what direction Old Man plans on taking his career, as he has no marketable skills other than yelling really loudly in movies.
I have personally received a lot of hate mail for ruining this man’s career. When asked why I would do such a thing, I tell people this: I am a journalist. It is my job, to tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. As Walter Cronkite once said, “Our job is only to hold up the mirror, to tell and show the public what has happened.” You may hate me for what I have done, but know that it was a necessary evil.
Also, I did it because I thought it was funny lmao.
The Medium 
Oldman picked up an 18 year old friend of mine in Central Park when my friend was out for a run. He took him back to his apt and fucked him. He had no clue as to who he was until a few years later and saw him on TV.
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