Sororoos

BY Sawyer

Dig this design, mate? Head over to https://represent.com/the-medium-s-sorority-t-shirt-2 and support The Medium by buying a gnarly shirt with kangaroos on it!

Incredibly Obscure Product Review

Saint-Gobain Norpro 4.7mm Alumina
Catalyst Support

This catalyst support is very commonly used for many industrial reactions used in the petrochemical industry. Although the support particles have a great porosity value, their surface area to weight ratio, a measly 0.02 square meters per gram, makes them much less useful in terms of absorbed catalyst mass. Overall, while they may not be ideal for reactions requiring a high concentration of catalyst, their low price and high porosity makes these particles a decent choice for small to medium scale reactions at lower concentrations.

Bernie Sanders’ SUPER-HAPPY-FUN-TIME Passover Haggaddah!

Dick of the Week: Pene

BY Latin Mamá

What Your Drink Choice Says About You

BY Latin Mama

Corona: You are most likely a bro who’s been to Cancun on spring break more times than you’ve been to class. Also, the only Sublime song you know is “Santeria,” and you really just know the chorus and mumble the rest of the words in the drunken stupor which has become your sad life. You also without a doubt have a rockin’ dad bod which is coveted by all the bitchez.

Appletini: You like Scrubs and don’t fail to mention this every time you order this fancy drank. As you should, Brown Bear ;).

Vodka Cran: You’ve given up on trying to live up to your parents’ standards a loooong time ago. You are also most likely are a girl who says “like” so often that people start to fixate on this irritating habit, unbeknownst to, like, you.

Buttery Nipple: Yes, this is the name of a popular shot! You have a healthy sense of humor and are a biiit immature. Let’s be real: you only ordered it so that you could say “buttery nipple” out loud, and kudos for that. How many times in life can you actually say “buttery nipple” aloud and have it be socially acceptable (**besides during food fetish foreplay**)? Not often enough, that is for damn sure.

Keystone Light/Natty Ice: Isn’t it past your bedtime? Are you even old enough to be reading this paper? (**See age disclaimer on Page 1)

Everclear: This potent substance, composed of Chuck Norris’ tears mixed with the souls of 1,000 Gingers, proves that you are no amateur. You are a god amongst us peasants. We are unworthy of your presence. God bless your weeping liver and loved ones.

Straightedge/Don’t drink: You have a good head on your shoulders and are by far the sanest of the bunch. You get to maintain your integrity, and take videos of your friends making complete asshats of themselves! Win-win in my book.

How To Get The Targum Referrendum Table People To LEAVE YOU ALONE

BY Grind All

Alright I understand that it’s important to these people blah blah blah. Or that they are getting paid to do this blah blah blah. But seriously LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

1. Pretend you’re dying

2. Actually die

3. Pretend you don’t speak English

4. Ask what year it is then run away saying “IT WORKED!”

5. Immediately start talking about your little even if you don’t have one

6. Start to GIVE THEM a speech on religion. Either God is super dead or he is super alive. Whatever you want

7. Stare straight into their eyes, never responding to them, but maintaining eye contact until you’re out of sight

A Generic Love Letter

BY Krupa Troop

Shout out to THE man of my dreams.
You have been my rock since day one and are always only a phone call or text message away!
Talking to you always makes me feel better
I think it’s truly magical that you can roll your eyes when I talk but still listen to me wholeheartedly when I talk.
You hold my ass in public in the same respectable fashion that you hold my hand.
I can always count you to be there for me in my time of peril aka when I’m sad about something silly.
You always know the right thing to say and help me forget about my problems by teaching me to ignore them like you do! I love the way you eat all 8 slices of pizza because you don’t want me to gain weight and feel bad about myself later.
I also love the way you’re always talking to other girls because you want to help me find new friends who I share similar interests with!
You even let me do your math homework because you want me to get extra practice in!!!
Goodness.
You are too kind to me.
Idk what I would do without you! Love you oodles!!!!
#mancrushmonday #mcm #bae #ilovehimmorethantacos

-said every basic bitch to her man crush Monday aka boyfriend who does the minimal boyfriend things and more backhanded shit than most boyfriends do.

Cerebral Pawsy

BY Meow Mixalot

Thanks, Obama

BY Bill Moyers

Hey Obama, thanks for stealing my accolades. Why do you ruin everything you touch? I’m supposed to be the main commencement speaker, but now Barchi’s coming in from left field with that psych-nah. Does he even know who he’s dealing with? I’m Bill FUCKING Moyers, former White House press secretary and retired broadcast journalist.
What’s wrong, Barchi? Am I too white? I’ll have you know I was already working in the White House during the height of the Civil Rights Movement. I even suggested renaming it the BLACK House. That’s the problem with the Liberal Media these days. You invited Obama for ONE REASON, and ONE REASON ONLY: because he’s the first black President of the United States.

If you think I’ve never dealt with politicking clowns like you before? Think again, Obama. I worked under LBJ, and that was a hell of a ride. So what if you created millions of jobs to save a plummeting economy? I still have a few tricks up my sleeve too; just wait until the nurses bring me a deck of cards or a Yo-Yo, and y’all will see.

It’s not like I care though. So what if Obama bailed out the collapsing automobile industry in a desperate time. I bet he’s never changed his own oil! What kind of man can’t even do an oil change? Both of my sons can. But Obama has “people to do that for him.” Well you know what? I’ve got style, I’ve got swag, and Richard Nixon said I “have a great face for the radio.” You can’t stop me.

But by all means Obama, bravo on making healthcare-for-all a topic of discussion. I’m sure you’re sooooo important. I’ve been talking about important things for centuries! Has Obama ever been interviewed by Johnny Carson? Nope. How are you gonna invite him to speak at commencement, when nobody even knows Obama’s last name!

So thanks, Obama. I may not be the speaker, but I’m still getting a doctoral degree. This isn’t even my final form! The next time we meet, it’s on. You may have defeated Bill Moyers, but you’ll never defeat Dr. Bill Moyers, MD!

Breaking: Rutgers Club Gymnastics Has Some Serious Ass

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Ass Man

NEW BRUNSWICK— News broke over the weekend of the Rutgers gymnastics team’s collective amount of plump ass at the National Association of Intercollegiate Gymnastics Clubs in Sacramento, California.

Rutgers placed sixth in the competition, but overwhelmed the other schools in both quantity and quality of ass.

“We are proud of the amount of ass we get to flaunt at each competition,” said April Abrams. “Now we are finally being recognized for our god-given accomplishment.”

The awe inspiring Rutgers club gymnastics ass had previously gone surprisingly unnoticed, but their dominating performance at the NAIGC brought each member’s tight backsides to the forefront.

“I was just like, wow. It was amazing,” said NAIGC judge Donatus Jorgensenn. “I just gave them 10s and hoped nobody would see my erection.”

Other schools reportedly worried the staggering amount of Rutgers ass would act as an unfair advantage, but placing sixth quashed those concerns.

James Madison University, who came in third place and also has a lot of nice asses, allegedly loosened Rutgers leotards as to lessen the bodacious appearance of each ass in hopes to curtail biased and distracted judging.

After news broke of the serious amount of ass the Rutgers club gymnastics team has, University students came out in scores to celebrate the team’s performance at the NAIGC.

“Wait they placed?” said junior Greg Jacobson. “I just saw all the pictures of their asses online. Oh my fucking god. I’m such an ass man now. I mean wow. Just, wow.”

Scores of students can now be seen at club gymnastics practices with signs of support and high-quality cameras for extreme close-up shots.

Now seen as an advantage, the mouthwatering amount of ass is often incorporated into routines. 

“Flaunt it if you got it, baby,” said club gymnast Sasha Anderson. “My floor routine is now just me jutting out my hip and shaking my ass to the judges. They love it, and now I get perfect scores. Plus, I have more fans than ever.”

The incredible asses of each Rutgers club gymnast has taken away attention to anyone’s breasts, but reports indicate such attention is soon to come.