Thanks, Obama

BY Bill Moyersbillmoyers

Hey Obama, thanks for stealing my accolades. Why do you ruin everything you touch? I’m supposed to be the main commencement speaker, but now Barchi’s coming in from left field with that psych-nah. Does he even know who he’s dealing with? I’m Bill FUCKING Moyers, former White House press secretary and retired broadcast journalist.
What’s wrong, Barchi? Am I too white? I’ll have you know I was already working in the White House during the height of the Civil Rights Movement. I even suggested renaming it the BLACK House. That’s the problem with the Liberal Media these days. You invited Obama for ONE REASON, and ONE REASON ONLY: because he’s the first black President of the United States.

If you think I’ve never dealt with politicking clowns like you before? Think again, Obama. I worked under LBJ, and that was a hell of a ride. So what if you created millions of jobs to save a plummeting economy? I still have a few tricks up my sleeve too; just wait until the nurses bring me a deck of cards or a Yo-Yo, and y’all will see.

It’s not like I care though. So what if Obama bailed out the collapsing automobile industry in a desperate time. I bet he’s never changed his own oil! What kind of man can’t even do an oil change? Both of my sons can. But Obama has “people to do that for him.” Well you know what? I’ve got style, I’ve got swag, and Richard Nixon said I “have a great face for the radio.” You can’t stop me.

But by all means Obama, bravo on making healthcare-for-all a topic of discussion. I’m sure you’re sooooo important. I’ve been talking about important things for centuries! Has Obama ever been interviewed by Johnny Carson? Nope. How are you gonna invite him to speak at commencement, when nobody even knows Obama’s last name!

So thanks, Obama. I may not be the speaker, but I’m still getting a doctoral degree. This isn’t even my final form! The next time we meet, it’s on. You may have defeated Bill Moyers, but you’ll never defeat Dr. Bill Moyers, MD!

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