Fraternities Promoting Sexual Violence Awareness Still Require Ratio

BY Walter Cronkite Jr
Greek Life Insider

NEW BRUNSWICK — Not seeing the explicit irony, fraternities at Rutgers continue to advocate for the prevention of sexual violence while forcing all male, non-guest list partygoers to have ratio.

“Hey bro, I only see three girls and one of you,” Beta Rho Omega brother Arnie van Jaaran reportedly said, whose fraternity was enforcing a 6-to-1 female-to-male ratio Friday. “I can’t let you in unless you got more girls, yo. But while I have you here, would you care to make a donation to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization?”

This is not an isolated incident, as reportedly every fraternity that is not guest-list only continues to use ratio at parties year after year. The reported minimum ratio is 4-to-1 at Tau Iota Tau, yet the reported minimum amount of service hours per brother at Rutgers is 10 a semester, though the message and actions do not seem to resonate.

RAINN IS LUCKY TO HAVE ARNIE Hey man equality is just the right thing to do

“Yeah we do a lot of work with The Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance, which provides an amazing service on campus that I really recommend people use,” said Sam Young, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “At the same time, though, we can’t be throwing sausagefests every weekend. Frankly, girls should see it as a compliment. They’re desirable. As a reward, guys that pull get to party, and girls are given free drinks and get to swat away unwanted advances.”

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Young did not see it.

“Nah we have inter-fraternal meetings all the time, and we always congratulate each other on the positive impact we have on the culture of sexual violence prevention on this campus.”

The office of Fraternity & Sorority Affairs did not make an official comment on the issue, but did note fraternity contributions to the cause, both monetarily and through volunteer hours.

When asked, most independent students on campus were indifferent on the issue.
“It’s whatever,” said senior Jessica Hernandez. “I go to the bars now.”

Dance Marathon raises thousands in social media capital

By James Mullen
News Editor

Dance Marathon has become a cherished ritual among Rutgers students since its foundation in the spring of 2000. The number of Rutgers students that have danced in the annual fundraising event has increased significantly since RUDM’s inception, and the Embrace Kids foundation has benefited greatly from the exploding numbers of dancers. For many dancers, the event goes beyond just raising money to make a difference in the lives of children affected by cancer, sickle cell anemia, and other diseases. This is a rare opportunity for many students to experience the joy of raising social media capital and garnering hundreds of likes.

RUDM has made a real, positive impact on the lives of children like Nico. A few years ago, Nico was diagnosed with Evans Disease, is a very rare genetic autoimmune disorder which compromises the immune system. Thanks to RUDM, Nico and his family were given the opportunity to pair up with the Student Athletic Advisory Committee, which allows Nico to interact with student athletes and have some semblance of a normal social life. While this story is mildly uplifting, it doesn’t even hold a candle to the sheer rush of dopamine felt by SAS Junior and Beta Chi philanthropy chair Chad Smithmeyer as the likes start pouring in on his latest post asking for DM money.

Rutgers University Dance Marathon raised over 900,000 likes last year for the kids.

“It’s just a really good way to give back to the community,” says Smithmeyer, who keeps glancing at his phone, which is buzzing with notifications from Instagram. “I don’t know what it is about Dance Marathon that just feels so good, but I can’t get enough of it.” Smithmeyer is just coming down from the wave of likes on his posts about spring break trip to Key West, and Dance Marathon is picking up likes seamlessly after Smithmeyer headed back to school.

In past years, DM has earned Rutgers Greek life thousands of likes, which has been almost enough to justify the constant scandals of students ending up in hospitals due to alcohol poisoning and repeated instances of sexual assault on campus. This year, however, Greek life intends to get so many likes for the kids that none of that is any longer relevant. The massive influx of likes will make Rutgers fraternities and sororities a shining example of philanthropy and community involvement, and make heroes out of students that really just wanted to party.

Turf War Erupts Between Dance Marathon Canners and Homeless People

Girl Who Likes Brower
Resident Innocent

NEW BRUNSWICK — The streets of New Brunswick are rough-the street people, rougher. In this especially long winter, the homeless people of New Brunswick are desperate for some spare cash for a warm meal or to support their families or drug addictions. There has been a sharp rise in the equity of New Brunswick street corners, from the intersection of Hamilton and George by Zimmerli, to the corner of George and Commercial by the Public Safety building.

But another variable has been added to the equation of an increase in panhandlers, and they go by FTK. Canners for Rutgers Dance Marathon, affectionately known as WTF?RUFKM!, are hitting the streets in their orange vests with their cans in tow. Just like we get those pesky insects in the dorms when the weather warms up, flocks of sorority girls and spirited student organization members hit the streets as soon as the clock strikes Spring semester. And the streets can’t hold all of them. A turf war is ensuing and it’s not between gangs, it’s between sorority girls and homeless men.

The first known conflict between the two groups was spotted early last week by freshman Joe Doppleman. He was riding the F when it was stopped at the light on Commercial Avenue and a brawl started. “All of a sudden, I saw a girl in one of those orange prison vests and she jumped on the homeless man from behind and shoved her hand into his collection cup. It was like a scene from Girls Gone Wild. Honestly bruh, it kinda turned me on.” Joe is still on the lookout for more FTK on homeless man action.

It remains to be seen who will win this turf war, but we know one thing for sure, the streets of New Brunswick will never be the same.

Sororoos

BY Sawyer

Dig this design, mate? Head over to https://represent.com/the-medium-s-sorority-t-shirt-2 and support The Medium by buying a gnarly shirt with kangaroos on it!

SPRING 2016 T-Shirts!

https://represent.com/the-medium-s-sorority-t-shirt-2 

We have new “Sororoos” (yes Sorority Kangaroos) now on sale! Support the paper and the 1st Amendment! 

Dance Marathon & Me

I kept a detailed log of my experiences at RU Dance Marathon. Here are the highlights:

University Voices: What Did You Do Over Spring Break?

University to Replace Service Dogs with Honey Badgers

BY Traductora the Explora
Chickhen Licker

NEW BRUNSWICK—The Seeing Eye, Inc., the guide dog program on campus, released a press statement on Monday in which they announced that starting in Fall 2016, the programs´ dogs will be replaced entirely with “seeing eye honey badgers.”

“Labrador Retrievers, Golden Retrievers, and German Shepherds, the standard picks for the organization’s furry friends, have been proven to garner too much attention from passers-by,” explained Lauren Copps, the organization’s NJ spokesperson. She explains that the trainers were being stopped far too frequently by people eager to pet the dogs and mumble non-sensical baby talk. “When the dog trainers would walk with the puppies to class, they would be flocked by students wanting to pet the dogs, specifically: menstruating sorority members,” said Copps in a Sunday press conference. “We realized something had to change.”

The organization got to pondering a new pick for a seeing eye animal. Copps explains that they first considered cats, but after realizing that cats are “essentially the devil himself reincarnated,” they turned to a slightly less-terrifying animal: the Mellivora capensis, more commonly known as the honey badger.

“Natives of Africa, Southwest Asia, and the Indian subcontinent, these mammals may be small in stature, but should not be underestimated,” says Dale Turdman, a wildlife specialist at Rutgers New Brunswick. “Their main attack defense is to go straight for the testes of their victims, which we unfortunately found out the hard way during the trial run of the seeing-eye honey badgers last week,” said Turdman.

Freshman Chemical Engineering Major Ryan Teegan was riding the bus to his 8:00a.m. class last Thursday morning when he heard a growling noise behind him. He turned around, making direct eye-contact with one of the creatures. “I turned around to see what was behind me, and before I knew it, this maniacal animal had a kung-fu mouth-hold on my nuts,” recounted Teegan from his hospital bed.

Due to the extremely cramped nature of the bus, the other passengers did their best to crowd-surf him to safety, but their efforts were unfortunately futile. Local paramedics deemed Teegan sterile on the spot.

Despite the fact that a total of four students were injured in the pelvic region during the week-long trial period, The Seeing Eye says that they stand firm in their decision to move forward with the seeing-eye honey badgers. “They prove advantageous in several ways when compared to the dogs,” says Copp. “For example, honey badgers have a keen sense of smell and are primarily guided by pheromones. Frat boys with man buns have been proven to emit extremely pungent musk clouds, which the honey badgers will detect immediately and strike. We are willing to risk the deaths of a few more students if that means weeding out douchebags, while also helping those in need of a service animal.”

Ranks on the Banks

BY GRIND ALL

This is the definitive ranking of typical College Ave students.

1. (BEST!!) The person from another campus just there for class

2. The computer nerds that help you in Records when shit goes wrong with your computer

3. The students working at Brower, they put up with more than we know

4. (BITCH SEAT!!) That kid at the Scott Hall bus stop that lets you get on before them

5. The honors students and their spoiled asses

6. The frat pledges, it’s not their fault they have to do obnoxious shit around College Ave all the time

7. Sorority girls in a pack in front of Brower

8. (HATE U!!) Frat boys on their porch judging your ass and shouting obscene things

Sorority Appropriates Satanic Culture with Pledge Sacrifice

BY The Bus Kid

Taylor Swift Body Double

PISCATAWAY—Students and faculty at Rutgers University may have noticed strange chalk drawings scrawled along the ground at central points of Livingston Campus over the past few weeks. Mainly pentagrams, these illustrations have become a nuisance for Rutgers Facilities as they are charged with maintaining the campus’s safe and clean image.
While RUPD searches for the culprits, some students mentioned that they have noticed an organization gathering late at night, dressed in black cloaks, holding candles, and displaying the Greek letters “Gamma Theta.”

Gamma Theta, an unsanctioned sorority at Rutgers University, opened up a chapter at Rutgers last spring semester. While there is not much known about the sorority, members are often seen clad in gothic garb, often adorning very dark makeup and clothing whilst doing their best to remain extremely pale. They are also known to only surround themselves with other members of Gamma Theta, isolating themselves from the rest of the Rutgers community.

After some investigative research by The Medium, an anonymous former pledge was found and contacted. Dropped from the pledge process after one month in, she notes that the leaders of the sorority decided to appropriate Satanist culture in order to remain non-basic.

During the pledge process, the informant recalls, “We often had to sneak into the piggery on Cook Campus and steal a pig and take it into the middle of Ecological Preserve, just to slowly slice away at it until it bled out. “Like, that was really disgusting and I literally wanted to puke. Eww!” The former pledge also mentioned that she was dropped because she wasn’t enough of “a bad bitch” for G0.

It is believed that the pentagrams are an extension of the pledge process for the upcoming Halloween weekend induction ceremony, where the Dark Lord’s presence is heightened due to the excessive sluttiness on campus. The pledges with the lowest points are forced to draw one while surrounded by the members of the Sisterhood. Dressed in black, the GTh girls would continue to chant their mantras as the omega ranking pledge undresses herself as she surrenders herself unto Satan. Once the pentagram and stripping are completed, she would have her throat slit. As the sisters believe, if Satan still wants her alive, he would perform unholy intervention and protect her. Currently, there have been no known survivors of this ritual.