University to Replace Service Dogs with Honey Badgers

BY Traductora the Explora
Chickhen Licker

NEW BRUNSWICK—The Seeing Eye, Inc., the guide dog program on campus, released a press statement on Monday in which they announced that starting in Fall 2016, the programs´ dogs will be replaced entirely with “seeing eye honey badgers.”

“Labrador Retrievers, Golden Retrievers, and German Shepherds, the standard picks for the organization’s furry friends, have been proven to garner too much attention from passers-by,” explained Lauren Copps, the organization’s NJ spokesperson. She explains that the trainers were being stopped far too frequently by people eager to pet the dogs and mumble non-sensical baby talk. “When the dog trainers would walk with the puppies to class, they would be flocked by students wanting to pet the dogs, specifically: menstruating sorority members,” said Copps in a Sunday press conference. “We realized something had to change.”

The organization got to pondering a new pick for a seeing eye animal. Copps explains that they first considered cats, but after realizing that cats are “essentially the devil himself reincarnated,” they turned to a slightly less-terrifying animal: the Mellivora capensis, more commonly known as the honey badger.badger.jpg

“Natives of Africa, Southwest Asia, and the Indian subcontinent, these mammals may be small in stature, but should not be underestimated,” says Dale Turdman, a wildlife specialist at Rutgers New Brunswick. “Their main attack defense is to go straight for the testes of their victims, which we unfortunately found out the hard way during the trial run of the seeing-eye honey badgers last week,” said Turdman.

Freshman Chemical Engineering Major Ryan Teegan was riding the bus to his 8:00a.m. class last Thursday morning when he heard a growling noise behind him. He turned around, making direct eye-contact with one of the creatures. “I turned around to see what was behind me, and before I knew it, this maniacal animal had a kung-fu mouth-hold on my nuts,” recounted Teegan from his hospital bed.

Due to the extremely cramped nature of the bus, the other passengers did their best to crowd-surf him to safety, but their efforts were unfortunately futile. Local paramedics deemed Teegan sterile on the spot.

Despite the fact that a total of four students were injured in the pelvic region during the week-long trial period, The Seeing Eye says that they stand firm in their decision to move forward with the seeing-eye honey badgers. “They prove advantageous in several ways when compared to the dogs,” says Copp. “For example, honey badgers have a keen sense of smell and are primarily guided by pheromones. Frat boys with man buns have been proven to emit extremely pungent musk clouds, which the honey badgers will detect immediately and strike. We are willing to risk the deaths of a few more students if that means weeding out douchebags, while also helping those in need of a service animal.”

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