Turf War Erupts Between Dance Marathon Canners and Homeless People

Girl Who Likes Brower
Resident Innocent

NEW BRUNSWICK — The streets of New Brunswick are rough-the street people, rougher. In this especially long winter, the homeless people of New Brunswick are desperate for some spare cash for a warm meal or to support their families or drug addictions. There has been a sharp rise in the equity of New Brunswick street corners, from the intersection of Hamilton and George by Zimmerli, to the corner of George and Commercial by the Public Safety building.turfwar

But another variable has been added to the equation of an increase in panhandlers, and they go by FTK. Canners for Rutgers Dance Marathon, affectionately known as WTF?RUFKM!, are hitting the streets in their orange vests with their cans in tow. Just like we get those pesky insects in the dorms when the weather warms up, flocks of sorority girls and spirited student organization members hit the streets as soon as the clock strikes Spring semester. And the streets can’t hold all of them. A turf war is ensuing and it’s not between gangs, it’s between sorority girls and homeless men.

The first known conflict between the two groups was spotted early last week by freshman Joe Doppleman. He was riding the F when it was stopped at the light on Commercial Avenue and a brawl started. “All of a sudden, I saw a girl in one of those orange prison vests and she jumped on the homeless man from behind and shoved her hand into his collection cup. It was like a scene from Girls Gone Wild. Honestly bruh, it kinda turned me on.” Joe is still on the lookout for more FTK on homeless man action.

It remains to be seen who will win this turf war, but we know one thing for sure, the streets of New Brunswick will never be the same.

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