Humans Evolve to Endure Sub-Freezing Weather in Basketball Shorts

NEW BRUNSWICK– Until recently, the number of young males wearing shorts in freezing-cold weather was baffling. Pioneering anatomists have arrived at a working theory behind how all around campus, the young men always sporting earbuds and fraternity letters instinctively don basketball shorts and idly bump to their sick beats whilst
the rest of us stare at them with horror.

“As a member of the public I had to wonder, ‘Don’t their genitalia become cold and either shrivel up into their bodies or atrophy completely due to frostbite?’” explained Dr. Tess T. Cull, the preeminent researcher in Fuckboys who published her findings.

“Fuckboys simply have no sperm-sack at all. Recent, totally legitimate, studies show that this condition is known as ‘Noballscleosis’ and is seen increasingly in Fuckboys to help defend them from the harsh university campus environment, keeping them looking somewhat comfortable in the coldest of temperatures. Part of the adaptation is an inflated amount of machismo, which lets them continue through the cold weather despite their visible shivering and goosebumps. This adaptation is not all good, however, as it leads to such symptoms as: flakiness, the overuse of the word ‘bro’, and complete failure in gaining a fulfilling relationship.”

Research in private conversations by the NSA shows that the phrases “send nudes” and “haha and then what” are the two most-sent text messages in American college campuses. Sociologists say that “one in ten attendees at any given college could be affected”, meaning that even those you know and trust could in fact be gonad-less saps. This is great news for girls on campus though, since it has become increasingly easy to spot a Fuckboy. Just look for a backwards hat, a longboard, and of course, shorts.

University to Replace Service Dogs with Honey Badgers

BY Traductora the Explora
Chickhen Licker

NEW BRUNSWICK—The Seeing Eye, Inc., the guide dog program on campus, released a press statement on Monday in which they announced that starting in Fall 2016, the programs´ dogs will be replaced entirely with “seeing eye honey badgers.”

“Labrador Retrievers, Golden Retrievers, and German Shepherds, the standard picks for the organization’s furry friends, have been proven to garner too much attention from passers-by,” explained Lauren Copps, the organization’s NJ spokesperson. She explains that the trainers were being stopped far too frequently by people eager to pet the dogs and mumble non-sensical baby talk. “When the dog trainers would walk with the puppies to class, they would be flocked by students wanting to pet the dogs, specifically: menstruating sorority members,” said Copps in a Sunday press conference. “We realized something had to change.”

The organization got to pondering a new pick for a seeing eye animal. Copps explains that they first considered cats, but after realizing that cats are “essentially the devil himself reincarnated,” they turned to a slightly less-terrifying animal: the Mellivora capensis, more commonly known as the honey badger.

“Natives of Africa, Southwest Asia, and the Indian subcontinent, these mammals may be small in stature, but should not be underestimated,” says Dale Turdman, a wildlife specialist at Rutgers New Brunswick. “Their main attack defense is to go straight for the testes of their victims, which we unfortunately found out the hard way during the trial run of the seeing-eye honey badgers last week,” said Turdman.

Freshman Chemical Engineering Major Ryan Teegan was riding the bus to his 8:00a.m. class last Thursday morning when he heard a growling noise behind him. He turned around, making direct eye-contact with one of the creatures. “I turned around to see what was behind me, and before I knew it, this maniacal animal had a kung-fu mouth-hold on my nuts,” recounted Teegan from his hospital bed.

Due to the extremely cramped nature of the bus, the other passengers did their best to crowd-surf him to safety, but their efforts were unfortunately futile. Local paramedics deemed Teegan sterile on the spot.

Despite the fact that a total of four students were injured in the pelvic region during the week-long trial period, The Seeing Eye says that they stand firm in their decision to move forward with the seeing-eye honey badgers. “They prove advantageous in several ways when compared to the dogs,” says Copp. “For example, honey badgers have a keen sense of smell and are primarily guided by pheromones. Frat boys with man buns have been proven to emit extremely pungent musk clouds, which the honey badgers will detect immediately and strike. We are willing to risk the deaths of a few more students if that means weeding out douchebags, while also helping those in need of a service animal.”

Ranks on the Banks

BY GRIND ALL

This is the definitive ranking of typical College Ave students.

1. (BEST!!) The person from another campus just there for class

2. The computer nerds that help you in Records when shit goes wrong with your computer

3. The students working at Brower, they put up with more than we know

4. (BITCH SEAT!!) That kid at the Scott Hall bus stop that lets you get on before them

5. The honors students and their spoiled asses

6. The frat pledges, it’s not their fault they have to do obnoxious shit around College Ave all the time

7. Sorority girls in a pack in front of Brower

8. (HATE U!!) Frat boys on their porch judging your ass and shouting obscene things

I Was Hazed By the Math Frat

BY Anonymous

I first got involved with Alpha Delta Delta during rush week. I had just walked out of a stressful prerequisite quiz when a fellow classmate invited me to, what he called, “an organization for math students to support one another.” I attended two rush events and was later given a bid — in the form of a numerical riddle. I thought it was comical and went to the address on the bid card. When I showed up, I was told I’d accepted my bid, so I went with it, signed a few papers, and was escorted to the attic, where I met the rest of my pledge class.

It started with factoring trinomials. We were each handed a problem set while the radio blared in the background. An odd thing to do, but I went with it. This continued for about a week, when suddenly the problem sets changed to trigonometric identities. A little unexpected, but not as unexpected as the new playlist: the complete Tiny Tim discography. That’s when one of the pledges up and left. We were told he was weak, and we were strong; but not yet strong enough to be initiated. As a show of strength, we were now instructed to solve trigonometric integrals by parts. The music got more and more repetitive, and the math got harder.

“Vector cross products, NOW!” the brothers shouted as “Uptown Funk” blared in the background, on repeat. I sat there, crying on the inside, trying to remember how to solve fourth-order difference equations. The pledgemaster took my calculator, removed the batteries and threw them down the stairs. I sat there, dejected, and looked at my blank paper; then at the disappointed faces of my pledge brothers. One of them suggested using Z-Transforms. The president instantly dropped him “as an example.”

The next week, it must have been five or six weeks, we were ordered as a punishment to memorize the Z-Transform, it’s properties, and a table of common pair. We were given an hour. The Pledgemaster handed us a problem set. He told us we were so close, and that we could taste initiation. My spirit was near it’s breaking point. I looked at the paper: “Compute the Continuous Time Fourier Transform of the following signals.” Fourier Transform. With a blank face, I stormed out of the attic and never turned back.

10 Tips for a Successful Valentine’s Day

BY WHO ARE U

1. No one likes PDA, so make sure every picture includes a friendly and polite hover hand

2. If a box of chocolate is involved, make sure to eat half of them and leave the remnants on your face. This way you seem interested, but not tooooo interested. Also you’ll taste sweet

3. Life is like that box of chocolates you just ate, you never know what you’re gonna get, so make sure to wear 5 condoms for no risk

4. Make continuous references to your exes so they know you’ve gotten with A LOT of other people

5. Pay the check with a coupon, it shows how resourceful you are

6. Give only backhanded compliments so their self esteem is just low enough to sleep with you

7. To be relaxed and smooth, drink at least a fifth of Everclear, you’ll never feel looser

8. Let them know you’re a busy and interesting person, come 3 hours late

9. Never make eye contact, only stare at pimples and the thing they’re most self-conscious about, possibly that continuous mucus drip

10. Talk about your frat if you’re in one, let ‘em know you fucking chill and fucking pull

GAME OF BROS: INTRODUCTION

BY SHREG GIANO

“I don’t like this place dude. Let’s get out of here,” Brad pleaded to his pledge brother, Jack.

“Don’t be such a pussy dude,” urged Jack. “What, you think ghosts of Zeta’s past are gonna be lurking here or something? They got kicked off a few years ago, they’re gone bro.”

Brad knew his fear was irrational, but it did not put him at ease. It could just be jitters or the cold, he thought.

“Alright, give me a beer and let’s go in.” Brad ordered.

“That’s the man I thought I pledged with! Let’s get fucked up. I wonder if they left some alcohol behind when they got kicked out?” Jack thought out loud. After finishing their beers, the guys entered the former Zeta house. They could still hear the bustle of College Ave as they walked in, but it quickly faded to the eeriest of silences.

“Damn, did they cut all heat to this place or something? I’m freezing.” proclaimed a shivering Jack. The cold only augmented Brad’s fears that something about this place seemed haunted. The house felt dead, but it was not the same peaceful dead one imagines death to be. This was a restless death, one that was somehow about to boil over. Like a beer left in a freezer, the frosty house seemed the catalyst for an explosion or release of some sort. But what could it possibly be? Brad pondered.

Then he heard a scream from Jack.

“Not Chill bro! Who the fuck are you?” Jack demanded.

It was too cold to describe the scream as chilling, but the distress and horror in Jack’s voice was evident. Quietly, Brad tip-toed toward Jack’s voice.

He had to cover his own mouth to stop himself from screaming.

In front of him stood the most monstrous frat bro he had ever seen. A mountainous 6 foot 7, the bro towered over Jack. He was whiter than the walls of a Rutgers Dorm, decked out from head to toe in Lacoste and Vineyard Vines. His polo snapback perfectly complemented his somewhat tattered Sperry’s.

Although he likely knew his fate was sealed, Jack courageously faced his silent adversary. He drew out his beer and prepared for the vital chug-off. In Brad and Jack’s world, to the winner of the chug-off goes the spoils, and to the loser goes swift death. If Jack lost, he would be executed by being forced to funnel 2 bottles of Everclear.

Jack counted to three, and the chug-off began.

Unfortunately for Jack, it was over before it started. As he guzzled down the last fateful drops of the Everclear, his opponent exited the scene. Although Jack was overcome with remorse for the death of his best friend, he swore that the body laying on the floor in front of him was not entirely lifeless.

“Jack. Wake up. Jack!” he begged. He peeled back Jack’s eyelids. His pupils appeared bright orange, like a new Keystone can. And somehow, some way, Brad knew there was life in them. Or, perhaps, that same restless death he noticed earlier.

It took a split-second for Brad to realize that Jack had grabbed him by the throat and had already started pouring Everclear into his mouth.

HOW FRAT ARE YOU

BY GRIND ALL

Okay so rush season is upon us and I know that people are super concerned of whether they will get into any greek life at all. Never fear because I’m pretty sure I can figure that out for you. See, I’ve got an in with a frat since my boyfriends in one (guess which frats he’s in for extra creepy points) so I’ve got a pretty good idea of what makes a good potentional frat boy candidate. Take this quiz and see if you’re cut out for greek life.

1. Why are you in school?
a. Because I like to learn!
b. Eh idk I got nothing else to do & my parents are paying
c. Bitches. Bitches. Fuck. With. College

2. How do you feel about women?
a. They’re a gender?
b. I think you mean how do women feel me?
c. *moaning* *cumming* *random groans*

3. What’s the longest you’ve slapped the bag for?
a. What bag? What? What does this mean?
b. Bagged wine? Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t drink that shit! Now ask me long I can chug Black Label and I’ll say 30 seconds.
c. AW SHIT 100 SECONDS JOHNNY WILL TELL YOU I DIDN’T BUT I DID BRO

4. What’s your style?
a. Comfy. Idk nothing really too intense
b. Cool, casual and classy. I wear my pastel vineyard vines and sperries but don’t worry I can get them dirty.
c. Bitch whatever makes me look like I just walked fresh off a yacht that came from Martha’s Vineyard or Nantucket.

5. Do you fight?
a. Peace brotha
b. Only when I’m drunk and only other dudes. I’m pretty laid back otherwise.
c. I will fight anyone, anywhere, anytime. I don’t care where we are I don’t care who they are, if we going at it, we GOIN AT IT

6. How do you feel about drugs?
a. I don’t really do them but I don’t mind too much if people do them around me
b. I smoke weed from time to time and do my fair share of addy when its finals week
c. Dude I’m a fucking coke dealer. Ask me again how I feel about drugs. Unless you’re a cop, then I do not have a comment

7. What race are you?
a. Asian (international student)
b. Minority (American)
c. WHITE AMERICAN MALE HETEROSEXUAL RED WHITE AND BLUE

TALLY THE FUCK UP

Mostly A’s: DON’T DO IT YOU ARE A PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL AND NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM THE SCARY FRAT BOYS THEY WILL SWALLOW YOU WHOLE

Mostly B’s: Yeah you can join a frat but just join either a rich one or a lowkey one. You probably won’t do well with delinquents and would benefit from being in a frat that has enough money and connections to get around RUPD.

Mostly C’s: Dude Zeta already got kicked off where are you even trying to rush???

Fraternity Alumni to Build $2.5 Million Safe Space

BY Eaton Jejez
Thertified Thpeech Therapitht

NEW BRUNSWICK— Alumni of the Kappa Epsilon Gamma, Rutgers chapter, have recently announced plans to construct a new safe space for brothers. The project, including construction, architectural fees, and the acquisition of two lots on Mine Street, has been financed for a total of $2.5 million.

“It will house thirty members with enough common area to support a chapter of around one-hundred,” noted Morris Lovinsky, president of the KEG Rutgers Alumni Foundation. “University culture is becoming increasingly hostile to fraternities. Our young fraters need somewhere to go without being judged.”

The chapter currently operates out of a rented residence on Sicard Street, where they are commonly offended by noise violations and minor-in-possession tickets. “We need a safe space to avoid such excessive police brutality,” commented the chapter’s VP of Microaggressions, Cooper White, “at least until the world realizes that frat lives matter.”

The new construction, slated to open doors in the Fall of 2016, will feature large common areas with plush lined walls and foam mat flooring, in order to, according to the architectural firm, “better prevent boo-boos.” The basement will host a large bank of washer-dryer combos to handle even the most soiled of security blankets.

Sympathy & Cuddles chairman Abjit Chopra is “most excited” about the “crying room to be furnished on the third floor.” Spanning the width of the house, the large auditorium is suited to fit the entire chapter plus guests at any given time. “It’s very important,” Chopra added, “because if you offend one of us, you’ve offended all of us.”

HOW GOOD WAS YOUR SNOW DAY

BY GRIND ALL

Check off every thing you did and add up your points!

Made a snowman: 4 pts (yay childhood!)

Fucked that snowman: 1 pts (fucking gross ruining childhood)

Fucked someone: 5 pts

Got so drunk you forgot there was a snow day: 7 pts

Got so high you thought the snow was attacking you: 10 pts

Called for delivery then pretended you weren’t home when they got there: 8 pts (lol)

Streaked down the empty streets: 6 pts

Wrote your name in the snow with your pee: 9 pts (yes)

Tried out that weird masturbating thing that involves snow… you know what I’m talking about: 0 pts

TALLY THE FUCK UP

0-10 did you even have a snow day?

11-20 so you did what you normally do every Saturday but there was snow around you

21-30 awh dang getting out of yo comfort zone I see you girl do yah thang

31-40 okay this is getting a little out of hand now and I’m getting a little scared

41-50 omg I didn’t know frat boys read the medium!!!!

University Deems “Fuckboi” Newest Microagression

BY Dr. Tossed Salad and Dr. Puggles
Just Dicking Around

NEW BRUNSWICK— With Rutgers University moving towards a more safe space environment, focused around a “language matters” movement of understanding the words you use and how they could offend others, the term “Fuckboi” has been classified as “vulgar, repulsive and downright wrong” and thus been banned from being used on all campuses by the university.

Of course, the Language Matters movement was started by a few “prissy fucks,” rather, caring individuals, who have been known to make argumentative speeches on social media and have been whining about microaggressions for the last few months, always prompting others to have conversations. About everything. And we mean everything! And when we say conversation, we mean an open dialogue about why everyday verbal and nonverbal cues which degrade or send negative messages to others are only used by motherfucking closed minded asshole bastards, who therefore do not deserve to live in this world of understanding, inclusivity and love.

Yet this movement has left far more students’ feeling victimized by constantly having to watch what they say while in the presence of others on campus. Perhaps the most victimized group on campus in these times is that of the Fuckboi.

Mark Johnson, a described Fuckboi of Delta Iota Kappa explained to The Medium, “I’m not trying to be a faggot and have feelings but, I am very triggered and offended by the term Fuckboi. Sure I wear a snapback with a cigarette in my ear, yeah I have a sweet pair of Tims and I don’t like cuddling after sex, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a little bitch on the inside.”

Johnson continued by adding that he now understands what members of marginalized groups such as LGBTQ feel like. “I completely understand where they are coming from now. Like bro, it takes a lot of self-esteem to ask chicks to come over for a hot night of dicking and not text them the next day. To be attacked for my lifestyle choices is just very hurtful. I was born this way.” With this mindset now common on campus with confidently insecure men of all races, religions and subsects being labeled Fuckbois, the university had no choice but to add the term to the list of now harsh language which is frowned upon by people affiliated with the university.

The Medium reached out to members of Rutgers’ administration such as Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Felicia McGinty, who commented, “We planned on the policy being far more encompassing…We actually tried to have Chancellor Edwards removed from the university, as he himself is a Fuckboi, however President Barchi and the board stopped us as they said we were targeting white heterosexual men too severely.”