University Deems “Fuckboi” Newest Microagression

BY Dr. Tossed Salad and Dr. Puggles
Just Dicking Around


NEW BRUNSWICK— With Rutgers University moving towards a more safe space environment, focused around a “language matters” movement of understanding the words you use and how they could offend others, the term “Fuckboi” has been classified as “vulgar, repulsive and downright wrong” and thus been banned from being used on all campuses by the university.

Of course, the Language Matters movement was started by a few “prissy fucks,” rather, caring individuals, who have been known to make argumentative speeches on social media and have been whining about microaggressions for the last few months, always prompting others to have conversations. About everything. And we mean everything! And when we say conversation, we mean an open dialogue about why everyday verbal and nonverbal cues which degrade or send negative messages to others are only used by motherfucking closed minded asshole bastards, who therefore do not deserve to live in this world of understanding, inclusivity and love.

Yet this movement has left far more students’ feeling victimized by constantly having to watch what they say while in the presence of others on campus. Perhaps the most victimized group on campus in these times is that of the Fuckboi.

Mark Johnson, a described Fuckboi of Delta Iota Kappa explained to The Medium, “I’m not trying to be a faggot and have feelings but, I am very triggered and offended by the term Fuckboi. Sure I wear a snapback with a cigarette in my ear, yeah I have a sweet pair of Tims and I don’t like cuddling after sex, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a little bitch on the inside.”

Johnson continued by adding that he now understands what members of marginalized groups such as LGBTQ feel like. “I completely understand where they are coming from now. Like bro, it takes a lot of self-esteem to ask chicks to come over for a hot night of dicking and not text them the next day. To be attacked for my lifestyle choices is just very hurtful. I was born this way.” With this mindset now common on campus with confidently insecure men of all races, religions and subsects being labeled Fuckbois, the university had no choice but to add the term to the list of now harsh language which is frowned upon by people affiliated with the university.

The Medium reached out to members of Rutgers’ administration such as Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Felicia McGinty, who commented, “We planned on the policy being far more encompassing…We actually tried to have Chancellor Edwards removed from the university, as he himself is a Fuckboi, however President Barchi and the board stopped us as they said we were targeting white heterosexual men too severely.”

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