Humans Evolve to Endure Sub-Freezing Weather in Basketball Shorts

NEW BRUNSWICK– Until recently, the number of young males wearing shorts in freezing-cold weather was baffling. Pioneering anatomists have arrived at a working theory behind how all around campus, the young men always sporting earbuds and fraternity letters instinctively don basketball shorts and idly bump to their sick beats whilst
the rest of us stare at them with horror.legs.jpg

“As a member of the public I had to wonder, ‘Don’t their genitalia become cold and either shrivel up into their bodies or atrophy completely due to frostbite?’” explained Dr. Tess T. Cull, the preeminent researcher in Fuckboys who published her findings.

“Fuckboys simply have no sperm-sack at all. Recent, totally legitimate, studies show that this condition is known as ‘Noballscleosis’ and is seen increasingly in Fuckboys to help defend them from the harsh university campus environment, keeping them looking somewhat comfortable in the coldest of temperatures. Part of the adaptation is an inflated amount of machismo, which lets them continue through the cold weather despite their visible shivering and goosebumps. This adaptation is not all good, however, as it leads to such symptoms as: flakiness, the overuse of the word ‘bro’, and complete failure in gaining a fulfilling relationship.”

Research in private conversations by the NSA shows that the phrases “send nudes” and “haha and then what” are the two most-sent text messages in American college campuses. Sociologists say that “one in ten attendees at any given college could be affected”, meaning that even those you know and trust could in fact be gonad-less saps. This is great news for girls on campus though, since it has become increasingly easy to spot a Fuckboy. Just look for a backwards hat, a longboard, and of course, shorts.

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