College Ave Bro “Discovers” Livi Burger Bar

BY Grind All
Resident College Ave Bitch

PISCATAWAY—On Monday, October 10, Rutgers senior Christopher Columbo ventured to Livingston Campus to meet up with a fellow Alpha Delta bro for some basketball at the Livingston gym. He ended up arriving a little bit early and decided to grab some food at the Livingston dining hall.

“I had never been there so I figured why not?” said Columbo.

Upon walking into the dining hall Christopher got lost looking for the drinks and stumbled upon the burger bar toward the far right of the dining hall.

“I was just walkin’ and all of the sudden I just bumped into this burger bar!” said Columbo. “And I was like ‘Dude what the hell?! Why doesn’t anyone know about this?!'” It should be noted that this was said whilst disregarding all the young freshmen who stood around the burger bar patiently waiting for their order to be ready.

Columbo immediately began to Snapchat all his friends, tweet a picture of the burger bar, and make a short video on Instagram as well showing off the burger bar. Sources say his caption for all three was “Just discovered this sick burger bar bros! How did no one else find this before? lol #explorer.”

Columbo then began to get the lay of the land. He stood perplexed by the bar before a small freshman stepped up and helped him order off of the touch screen.

Christopher was then seen getting his burger and fries and confidently marching to the table right in front of the bar to eat his food.

In the days following witnesses stated that Columbo’s Instagram, Twitter, and snap story all blew up. Most of the comments included fellow Alpha Delta’s congratulating Columbo on braving such an unknown territory to college students and finding something amazing.

Within hours of the social media posts witnesses started noticing more and more College Ave frat bros hanging around the Livingston dining hall, specifically near the burger bar.

“All of the sudden there were all these guys with giant water jugs and sleeveless shirts” said freshman Lily Parker.

Within the next week the right side of the dining hall was completely overtaken by the College Ave bros and they made sure everyone knew it.

“I found this place!” said Columbo, when asked why he pushed a freshman out of the way in line for the burger bar. “This is our area! We were here first! Why don’t people understand that?”

Freshmen, who used to quietly enjoy the burger bar, are now being forced to give up their buger bar and stay near the salad bar.

“I tried to go over there the other day and it was chaos” said Parker. “All these guys were just cutting in front of everyone excusing themselves by saying that it was only fair because they were here first.”

Christopher and his crew are in talks of renaming the burger bar to the Burger Bro Bar in order to clearly represent the heritage of the bar.

The bros are even thinking about presenting a new holiday for the school board to honor Christopher and his amazing, new discovery.

Student Lives Spring Break Vicariously Through Snapchat

BY The Bus Kid
EIC EIC Baby

PISCATAWAY—Last week, many Rutgers students spent Spring Break traveling the world, especially to fairer weather tropical destinations. However for Katy Dozer, the week consisted of her mainly staying in her Livingston apartment and going through her friends’ Snapchat stories.

Dozer, a senior graduating with a degree in Evolutionary Anthropology this upcoming May, found herself strapped for cash this year and unable to afford any airfare back home to Ohio. All she could do is drop off her roommates at the airport for their Friday flight to Cancun and plan her week alone.

In order to keep up her spirits, Dozer told herself she would make the most of her time off from school by spending it in a productive manner. Following uncharacteristically sunny weather, her first plan was to work on her tan. However, Dozer found herself trapped inside her apartment due to rain and cooler temperatures. As Dozer watched her friends enjoy the sun and the sandy beaches across locations in the Caribbean over Snapchat, she depressingly covered herself in several layers in order to stay warm while watching Friends and SVU reruns.

Stranded and stuck inside, Dozer tried again to stay positive and improve her situation by trying to catch up on her assignments for Music Theory Online. Completing the first of many assignments, her phone buzzed with a notification from a Snapchat by her friend Harriett.

Harriett, who had been spending her break in Miami, sent a video with poorly recorded audio of a Latin busking group. Despite the overwhelming background noise of the city, Dozer became engrossed and quickly went through Harriett’s story to find more recordings and then eventually went through entirety of her friends’ stories, twice.

Feeling deprived of any enjoyment this break, Dozer continued this practice of reviewing each and every single story possible without even attempting to skip through, and soon found herself addicted to living vicariously through others’ stories.

“I just could not stop,” claimed the senior, “there was nothing I wanted more than another a purple icon with a digit in the bottom right corner of my screen. It just meant more sun, more music, more fun. And I got to enjoy it all. Over and over.”

The anthropology major emphasized the banality of her experience on St. Patrick’s Day, when she was only reminded by her various friends posting themselves in green and enjoying the drunken revelry that goes hand-in-hand with the Irish-originating holiday. After viewing her story feed, she quickly went onto Redtube and looked for the first video with a red-headed Irish girl in order to celebrate the holiday in her own way. Having clicked on “Young Irish Girl takes BBC for first time,” Dozer finally added her own Snapchat Story with a picture of herself post-orgasm that had the caption “St. Patty’s Turn Up!”

Damn Daniel

BY Satan

You know that kid Daniel? The one with the white shoes? Well, I’ve been hearing a lot of prayers lately; apparently a bunch of people have requested that I damn Daniel. As Supreme Arbiter of Eternal Damnation, Prime Minister of Everlasting Fire, and a minority shareholder of Comcast, I couldn’t not take notice. You know, it’s not too often that I get prayers. So you know what, I had my secretary, Eva Braun, open an investigation. Long story short, the kid checks out.

So, he’s not exactly the ideal candidate to boil in the Eternal Cauldron of Suffering. But hey, the kid does jerk off a lot. Now, we don’t really push that rule too hard. Because, y’know, even Saints need to crank one out every now and then. But technically he broke the rule, and thus he qualifies to be damned.

The paperwork was a real bitch, too. I’ve got a bunch of lawyers down here giving me a hard time over committing a kid to the Bottomless Pit of Pain for beating his meat. So I phoned my old fraternity brother Eric Holder over in D.C. to get his opinion. The consensus was that, though the law is currently unenforceable, I, as the Unwavering Prince of Fire and Darkness, have the power to do whatever the fucking hell I want, so consider Daniel damned.

So anyway, I have Ted Kennedy over in the lobby sprucing the place up for his arrival. I haven’t worked out the details with Death yet, but it’s looking like we’re gonna give him dick cancer. I wanted to drop a brick on his head, but Death suggested Dick Cancer and I couldn’t say no. That shit’s way too funny. So we’re gonna let him on Trevor Noah next week, and then we’re gonna blow up his dick.

Local Man Continues to Send Ten-Second Snapchats

BY Jay Omegatron
Fourier Transformer

SAYREVILLE, NJ—In what was described both as “an unfortunate misunderstanding of technology” and “an impedance to human progress,” local Sayreville resident Adam Mintchell, 26, continues to send snapchats of ten-second length. Friends of Mintchell have expressed taking “immense discomfort” in the feat of experiencing his mundane doings in “discrete but prolonged” intervals.

“It’s like I’m in his shoes, but in a series of ten-second still images,” commented Ashley Runardi, a coworker of Mintchell’s. “It’s both dreadfully boring and unnervingly long at the same time.” Runardi is often featured in Mintchell’s Snapchat Story on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays when their lunch breaks coincide. She has also been sighted in at least one of his “work selfies,” all of which documented as lasting no fewer than ten seconds.
Mintchell was recently spotted at a local Buffalo Wild Wings, reportedly eating citrus-flavored chicken wings, drinking a Blue Moon beer, and watching an Iowa Hawkeyes basketball game; corroborated by corresponding photos captioned “Citrus Wings,” “Blue Moon”, and “Lets Go Hawks”. It is presumed that each photo would have been displayed for a ten-second duration.

“It’s not necessarily that his life is boring—which it still is, don’t get me wrong,” noted Mintchell’s ex-girlfriend Eileen Moore. “It’s just that dedicating ten seconds of my life to viewing each basic task he performs seems excessive. I get that you’re at a concert; I don’t need to see it in photos, ten seconds at a time.” Mintchell is reportedly a “big fan” of the band 5 Seconds of Summer.

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HOW TO SURVIVE THE INTERNET BEING DOWN

BY Grind All

BY Sawyer

So last week we had that fucking scandal of the internet being down and yeah I probably should have written these tips then but fuck Exfocus is gonna come back, we all know it so here are some tips on how to survive the internet crash that is bound to happen again.

1. The most important thing is to download all your porn right now. Dude the internet was down for a week last semester. We all know how hard it is to go without porn for even like a day and let’s be real here, you do not have the luxury of having a data plan that lets you stream all the fucking porn you want without having to pay $400 for your phone bill at the end of the month. Anyway, phone screens are too small for good porn quality.

2. Look at your friend group, who you can ACTUALLY hang out with, without the distraction of Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Snapchat and not want to kill. You’d be really fucking surprised how many kids you just put up with because you were too busy on the internet to actually hear the annoying shit that comes out of their mouths. Guys this is super important. When the internet is down you have to actually talk to people. It’s like the fucking 90s and it’s terrifying. So you’ll probably dwindle your friend group down to like 3 people but whatever, you’ll get through Exfocus.

3. Make sure you’ve got your Tinder buds numbers. All of the sudden you’re gonna have way too much time on your hands and you’re gonna need some sort of release. If you were an idiot and didn’t do the first thing I told you to do (go download your porn now) then you’re gonna have to actually try to find someone to fuck. We all know that finding someone in real life is scary and unrealistic so your best bet is Tinder. So please, please get their number so you can actually have contact with them.

4. Idk maybe you should download your textbooks onto a flash drive or whatever? Professors cancel shit anyway. And even if they don’t you can just complain and whatever. Honestly the most important part of the internet being down isn’t the fact that you can’t do schoolwork. It’s the fact that you can’t procrastinate doing your schoolwork.

RIP TO RUTGERS SNAPYAK

BY The Bus Kid

Ever since this Rutgers Story trash came back on, all I do is get nostalgic about all the fun the true Rutgers community had before all this pussified garbage. So here is what I, and probably all of the rest of Rutgers besides you wimpy freshmen, miss about the greatest Snapchat account to ever exist.

1) Boobs. Let’s cut to the chase, half the reason I would look at the RutgersSnapYak would be for the bare, juicy, and plump tits. It was like the only semi-acceptable way for me to look at breasts on the bus and in class without getting some stank eye from the girl next to me. This new story never has even a single nip-slip and has lost all of its value for me.

2) Next stop, the fucking. Blowjobs, eating pussy, doggy, missionary, cowgirl, the old snapyak had everything. The worst would be when the guy would get the girl’s face “accidently” on the feed and pretty much ruin her remaining years left here. You already know we won’t be seeing any of this gold soon again.

3) Something besides freshmen. Seriously, why are freshmen just obsessed with trying to get stuff on this feed? Don’t they get that no matter how many times they show them eating at Brower or suffering without AC, the upperclassmen will never have pity for them? And you know why? Cause we had to do the same shit. Fuck, we didn’t even have this prissy Honors College and geotags.

4) The Creepy Owner. Dude would literally walk around in a mask thinking he was a celebrity or something. No one actually cared about the owner, we just wanted more tits, but every weekend he would try to sneak into a selfie with girls and probably thought they would just drop their panties when they saw him. Dude, your comments on the Snapchats completely ruined your chance of getting any pussy for the rest of your life.

The Rutgers Snapchat is Making Me Sad

BY Mortimer Smith III

Losing Rutgers Snapyak was enough of a blow, but this new Rutgers Snapchat Story is a slap in the face. I’m already annoyed enough that the coddled freshman in the Honors College have their own filter, but this PG-13 nonsense is killing me inside. I need to see boobs! I lived for those 18 seconds of sex every day. I used to hit up those guys who posted pictures of Adderall with their number. Going through this flowery Snap Story is destroying my soul. I hate it. I contemplated deleting Snapchat! That’s like throwing out my phone out! And who wants to live without a phone! I basically contemplated suicide!

I used to sit down in the back of class, make sure my sound was off, open Snapchat and watch some girl get fucked from behind. Now all I see is the same thing over and over again—oh it’s hot out, damn the buses are crowded, look it’s something stupid nobody cares about. Bring back the boobs! Fucking Ramapo still has their titty Snapchat because people don’t snitch. And who the fuck is reporting these accounts? Why would you do that!? This situation is bad, and it’s making me depressed. You know what, I’m just going to make my own Rutgers boobs account. You’re welcome.