NEW BRUNSWICK — Late Monday night, local man Jon Goldberg was assaulted by Life while walking to the corner store on Easton Avenue. Witnesses to the attack have reported seeing Life run up behind Mr. Goldberg and punch him in the back of the head, before taking multiple swings at his stomach, as well as a kick to the groin
while he was down on the ground.
“I can’t believe this happened to me. It was so sudden.” Mr. Goldberg said when delivering his statement to the police. “I was walking to lunch when I received a text from my girlfriend saying that she was leaving me. Before I could brace myself for the flood of emotions, I also received an email from my boss telling me I was being let go, as well as a call from my veterinarian telling me that my dog had been put down.”
Mr. Goldberg has stated that doctors and therapists have told him that it will take months, if not years to recover from the attack. “The doctor said I may be prone to crying out of the blue as I go about my day for the next few years. I’ve been told that the best thing to do is try not to think about how great my girlfriend was, or how my dog was always there to cheer me up when I was down,” said Mr. Goldberg before breaking down crying.
This is not the first surprise attack carried out by Life, who has blindsided multiple people in the past according to police documents. The police are currently asking for anyone with information onto the whereabouts of Life, who is still out at large.
BY Bradley Pepperdine
There’s something brusk and terrorizing about the realization that a new week is coming. As the sun sets on Saturday night, sensations of anxiety press relentlessly against my soul until the dawn of every Sunday morning.
Then the agonizing reality that the next day brings a weeks worth of monotonous tasks, shakes my inner core with a feeling of dread that makes me feel the most alive. And that feeling should definitely not be limited to only 24 hours a week. I propose that we add at least one more Sunday to the days of the week, particularly after Monday and before Tuesday. If there were two Sundays, there would be two times the opportunity to be hung over the metaphorical precipice, double the heartwrenching inquietude that envelops me, and in a sense comforts me.
1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*
2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”
3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*
4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”
5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*
BY Jay Omegatron
SAYREVILLE, NJ—In what was described both as “an unfortunate misunderstanding of technology” and “an impedance to human progress,” local Sayreville resident Adam Mintchell, 26, continues to send snapchats of ten-second length. Friends of Mintchell have expressed taking “immense discomfort” in the feat of experiencing his mundane doings in “discrete but prolonged” intervals.
“It’s like I’m in his shoes, but in a series of ten-second still images,” commented Ashley Runardi, a coworker of Mintchell’s. “It’s both dreadfully boring and unnervingly long at the same time.” Runardi is often featured in Mintchell’s Snapchat Story on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays when their lunch breaks coincide. She has also been sighted in at least one of his “work selfies,” all of which documented as lasting no fewer than ten seconds.
Mintchell was recently spotted at a local Buffalo Wild Wings, reportedly eating citrus-flavored chicken wings, drinking a Blue Moon beer, and watching an Iowa Hawkeyes basketball game; corroborated by corresponding photos captioned “Citrus Wings,” “Blue Moon”, and “Lets Go Hawks”. It is presumed that each photo would have been displayed for a ten-second duration.
“It’s not necessarily that his life is boring—which it still is, don’t get me wrong,” noted Mintchell’s ex-girlfriend Eileen Moore. “It’s just that dedicating ten seconds of my life to viewing each basic task he performs seems excessive. I get that you’re at a concert; I don’t need to see it in photos, ten seconds at a time.” Mintchell is reportedly a “big fan” of the band 5 Seconds of Summer.