You know that kid Daniel? The one with the white shoes? Well, I’ve been hearing a lot of prayers lately; apparently a bunch of people have requested that I damn Daniel. As Supreme Arbiter of Eternal Damnation, Prime Minister of Everlasting Fire, and a minority shareholder of Comcast, I couldn’t not take notice. You know, it’s not too often that I get prayers. So you know what, I had my secretary, Eva Braun, open an investigation. Long story short, the kid checks out.
So, he’s not exactly the ideal candidate to boil in the Eternal Cauldron of Suffering. But hey, the kid does jerk off a lot. Now, we don’t really push that rule too hard. Because, y’know, even Saints need to crank one out every now and then. But technically he broke the rule, and thus he qualifies to be damned.
The paperwork was a real bitch, too. I’ve got a bunch of lawyers down here giving me a hard time over committing a kid to the Bottomless Pit of Pain for beating his meat. So I phoned my old fraternity brother Eric Holder over in D.C. to get his opinion. The consensus was that, though the law is currently unenforceable, I, as the Unwavering Prince of Fire and Darkness, have the power to do whatever the fucking hell I want, so consider Daniel damned.
So anyway, I have Ted Kennedy over in the lobby sprucing the place up for his arrival. I haven’t worked out the details with Death yet, but it’s looking like we’re gonna give him dick cancer. I wanted to drop a brick on his head, but Death suggested Dick Cancer and I couldn’t say no. That shit’s way too funny. So we’re gonna let him on Trevor Noah next week, and then we’re gonna blow up his dick.