Tag Archives: porn

Pornhub Sidebar Ads To Be Adapted Into Full Fledged Cinematic Universe

By Manuel C. Hode

In the wake of comic book icon Stan Lee’s recent passing, it seems that pornographic corporate titan MindGeek is setting their sights on competing with mega-corporate corporate titan Disney’s Marvel Cinematic Universe, with their own Pornhub Sidebar Advert Cinematic Universe.

In their first phase, the P.S.A.C.U. is striving to break new ground as the first ever all NC-17 cinematic universe with the “biggest, most well endowed ensemble ever brought to a cinematic universe” per their spokesman. The inaugural film in the franchise will be a 90 minute buddy comedy focusing on the heartfelt relationship between Percy Quin (Jack McBrayer) and Chad Steele (voiced by Sam Elliot), an engorged, perpetually-erect anthropomorphic penis.

Quin has spent most of his life as a lonely, virginal beta male, but within two short weeks of taking unsolicited mail-order pills that aren’t F.D.A. verified, Chad enters his life with six extra inches and an extra set of agonizingly painful urethral teeth.

Following Quin’s subsequent O.D., the next few installments are slated to concern the psychedelic, hallucinatory sexual exploits of fictional cartoon characters as he gradually slides into cardiac arrest and brain death. Upon sending their children to summer camp, the Griffins, Simpsons, Browns, and the entire collective hentai waifu/tentacle monster populace all indulge in a week of sexy, scuzzy, nubile, orgiastic, and kinky fun that no one asked to see. Also, Lara Croft will be there in a milestone TOTALLY INTERACTIVE cameo segment, enjoying a hot anal plowing from behind with a random cartoonishly endowed World Of Warcraft orc for some fucking reason.

As Quin slips further and further into the oblivion of the empty void we will all return to, so does the Cartoon Realm, into a boundless hellscape rife with both all the hot singles in your area, and intrusive drones begging them to subscribe to Pornhub Premium. The warring factions will come head to head in a 4D three hour ensemble epic, flooding theaters nationwide with the thickest of ropes.

ALL the hot singles from Quin’s life shall flash before his subconscious; all the single classmates, all the single teachers, all the single stepmoms, step grandmas, and step sisters whom conveniently aren’t blood related whatsoever.

Finally, when the last vestige of DMT transcends his pineal gland, he too will transcend the echelon of the Ad Realm, and close out Phase 1 in a riveting two hour feature adaptation of Spike Jonze’s iconic Pornhub Award music video for “I Love It”. Led by their towering colossus oracle Adele Givens, Kanye West and Lil Pump will guide Percy down the opulent pearly hallway toward the Unknown, confronting profound existential questions in a poignant, meditative character study. Shall we drink from the three divine flasks of lean, sparkling, and still water in the end? Or are we all simply damned to be fucking hoes, slaving away on a desolate rock, castigating ourselves for every failure and torment, imprisoned in husks of rotting flesh and bone from morning through bed? Slowly witnessing every fiber of your being prostrated out of you until there is nothing left? Accumulating a wellspring of boundless misery, every trace to be utterly expunged by our Sun’s boundless flame, an unparalleled hotness the likes of which may rival Asa Akira? Jacking off alone into the abyss, acquiescent to the whims of nature, entropy, tedium, all of your sanguine physical and psychological scars lain bare before you until you return toward the ash, dust, and congealed jizm from which you’ve came?

We would report more leaked spoilers for the upcoming franchise, but unfortunately the last few pages of our insider’s alleged screenplay copy were found stuck together.

George R. R. Martin’s Sister Feels a Bit Concerned About Level of Incest in “Game of Thrones” Books

BY Sue Denimm
Senior Analist

SAN ANTONIO— Janet Martin, sister of George R. R. Martin, famous author of “A Song of Ice and Fire” series, says she feels a little bit conflicted in how some of the characters were portrayed.

“The books that he has written are so incredible. I am amazed at how he has created such a vast universe of sprawling landscapes, complicated political systems, and intricate character interactions through detailed story lines. I did feel a little strange about all the incest though,” said Mrs. Martin.

The books, which have been adapted to the award winning television show “Game of Thrones”, are known to have somewhat less conventional relationships. Many fans have admitted that while this was a bit jarring at first, they have grown to love and accept these characters for what they are.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love Jaime. I mean he’s a great character. And his arc is fantastic.But did he have to have sex with his sister so many times?” asked Mrs. Martin.
Mr. R. R. Martin has said that when he was writing the books, he drew inspiration from his own life experiences.

“All of the characters that I write are specifically written the way that they are so that the events can play out exactly as I need them. Sometimes this means characters do some unsavory things. That doesn’t mean I necessarily condone doing those things,” said Mr. Martin.

The television show on HBO has been criticized in the past for showing graphic scenes involving rape and murder, but despite this has been growing more popular each year, reaching record ratings for the season seven finale this summer.

“As a kid, George would always tell me how much he loved me. Sometimes my friends thought it was really weird, especially when I was a teenager,” said Mrs. Martin.

“I had a completely normal relationship with all of my family members growing up. Why do you ask?” said George.

Game of Thrones comes back in 2018, and George has promised it will feature even more of Jaime, Cersei, Danaerys, and Jon Snow in the upcoming season.

 

I SNUCK SILVERWARE INTO MEDIEVAL TIMES

BY Yagnesh Patelyagnesh

I should not be alive. I seriously should not be alive, but here I am. I am a risk taker, and this weekend I took a risk that was incredibly dumb. I snuck silverware into Medieval Times. I’m guilty of this transgression but do not hold it against me, it was on a dare. My friend Daniel said to me, “Dude, bring silverware in or you’re a total fucking pussy,” so I did it.

It was terrifying, and such an adrenaline rush. The King came out and he scanned the audience, I swear he stopped and stared at me for a moment, he could totally sense that I was carrying a 4 tined eating implement. When dinner came around, I snuck out my fork and dug in. Multiple times I swear a squire came around and looked at me, and I had to hide it on my person. But I survived, I escaped that hell castle with a full stomach and with my fork in hand, with an extended middle finger, a fuck you to the forkless king, and with blood rushing all throughout me. I felt like I had just skydived off a cliff while jerking off. I felt ALIVE!

I’VE FOUND A NEW WAY TO STAY A VIRGIN

BY Robin Michelle robin.png

I’m a good Catholic girl, and as a result, I refuse to have sex before I get married. Only my husband will take my virginity, none of these walking meatsticks that you see around campus and at frat parties. The Bible says that I can not have sex so I will not!

Of course this isn’t exactly what my boyfriend wants to hear, he wants to put it in me right now and cum all over my body, and I can’t blame him. I know of the loophole that everyone uses, and yes my boyfriend does fuck me in the ass. But you know what? It’s painful! He never uses lube, because lube is Satan’s precum, and so as a result, I can’t have him fuck me in the bum anymore, because of all the tearing. There’s so much blood down there now.

But fear not, I believe I’ve found a solution that keeps my hymen intact, and keeps my boyfriend happy. So my fellow Catholic girls listen up! The past week, whenever my boyfriend has asked me to get him off, I’ve gone and picked up a cantaloupe and placed it in the microwave. Then, after about 5 minutes, I take it out and cut a cylindrical hole in it. Finally, I squeeze my thighs together to keep the melon between my legs and I guide my boyfriend slobbering cock into the hole. He thrusts back and forth and back and forth, while I stay stationary, moving is a sin! And finally when he cums, I look at him and smile a wry smile before emptying the hole’s contents into my mouth.

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