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George R. R. Martin’s Sister Feels a Bit Concerned About Level of Incest in “Game of Thrones” Books

BY Sue Denimm
Senior Analist

SAN ANTONIO— Janet Martin, sister of George R. R. Martin, famous author of “A Song of Ice and Fire” series, says she feels a little bit conflicted in how some of the characters were portrayed.

“The books that he has written are so incredible. I am amazed at how he has created such a vast universe of sprawling landscapes, complicated political systems, and intricate character interactions through detailed story lines. I did feel a little strange about all the incest though,” said Mrs. Martin.

The books, which have been adapted to the award winning television show “Game of Thrones”, are known to have somewhat less conventional relationships. Many fans have admitted that while this was a bit jarring at first, they have grown to love and accept these characters for what they are.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love Jaime. I mean he’s a great character. And his arc is fantastic.But did he have to have sex with his sister so many times?” asked Mrs. Martin.
Mr. R. R. Martin has said that when he was writing the books, he drew inspiration from his own life experiences.

“All of the characters that I write are specifically written the way that they are so that the events can play out exactly as I need them. Sometimes this means characters do some unsavory things. That doesn’t mean I necessarily condone doing those things,” said Mr. Martin.

The television show on HBO has been criticized in the past for showing graphic scenes involving rape and murder, but despite this has been growing more popular each year, reaching record ratings for the season seven finale this summer.

“As a kid, George would always tell me how much he loved me. Sometimes my friends thought it was really weird, especially when I was a teenager,” said Mrs. Martin.

“I had a completely normal relationship with all of my family members growing up. Why do you ask?” said George.

Game of Thrones comes back in 2018, and George has promised it will feature even more of Jaime, Cersei, Danaerys, and Jon Snow in the upcoming season.

 

I SNUCK SILVERWARE INTO MEDIEVAL TIMES

BY Yagnesh Patelyagnesh

I should not be alive. I seriously should not be alive, but here I am. I am a risk taker, and this weekend I took a risk that was incredibly dumb. I snuck silverware into Medieval Times. I’m guilty of this transgression but do not hold it against me, it was on a dare. My friend Daniel said to me, “Dude, bring silverware in or you’re a total fucking pussy,” so I did it.

It was terrifying, and such an adrenaline rush. The King came out and he scanned the audience, I swear he stopped and stared at me for a moment, he could totally sense that I was carrying a 4 tined eating implement. When dinner came around, I snuck out my fork and dug in. Multiple times I swear a squire came around and looked at me, and I had to hide it on my person. But I survived, I escaped that hell castle with a full stomach and with my fork in hand, with an extended middle finger, a fuck you to the forkless king, and with blood rushing all throughout me. I felt like I had just skydived off a cliff while jerking off. I felt ALIVE!

I’VE FOUND A NEW WAY TO STAY A VIRGIN

BY Robin Michelle robin.png

I’m a good Catholic girl, and as a result, I refuse to have sex before I get married. Only my husband will take my virginity, none of these walking meatsticks that you see around campus and at frat parties. The Bible says that I can not have sex so I will not!

Of course this isn’t exactly what my boyfriend wants to hear, he wants to put it in me right now and cum all over my body, and I can’t blame him. I know of the loophole that everyone uses, and yes my boyfriend does fuck me in the ass. But you know what? It’s painful! He never uses lube, because lube is Satan’s precum, and so as a result, I can’t have him fuck me in the bum anymore, because of all the tearing. There’s so much blood down there now.

But fear not, I believe I’ve found a solution that keeps my hymen intact, and keeps my boyfriend happy. So my fellow Catholic girls listen up! The past week, whenever my boyfriend has asked me to get him off, I’ve gone and picked up a cantaloupe and placed it in the microwave. Then, after about 5 minutes, I take it out and cut a cylindrical hole in it. Finally, I squeeze my thighs together to keep the melon between my legs and I guide my boyfriend slobbering cock into the hole. He thrusts back and forth and back and forth, while I stay stationary, moving is a sin! And finally when he cums, I look at him and smile a wry smile before emptying the hole’s contents into my mouth.

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‘BUTGERS DAY’ ACCIDENTALLY PRINTED ON RUTGERS DAY T-SHIRTS

BY Radio Raheem
Butt Pun Enthusiast

NEW BRUNSWICK— In an unfortunate slip-up, Rutgers Student Involvement accidentally printed “Butgers Day” on every single T-shirt for the massive event this weekend. This is a massive PR nightmare for Rutgers, who will no doubt have to scramble to try to fix this enormous mistake before Saturday.

“We’re well and truly fucked here,” says President Barchi. Ideally, Rutgers would just order new shirts with the correct logo. However, because half of the annual budget was spent on the misprinted shirts, ordering the same amount of shirts again would cut the rest of the budget. There would be no athletics, no theatre performances, scientific research, or money for student clubs.

Butgers
WHATUPGERS Well that’s a giant fucking mistake

A student representative declined to comment on the exact amount that was spent but implied that it was well over $500,000 since they splurged on shirts made of Mexican alpaca hair.

Student Involvement is looking into changing the annual event to Butgers Day to accommodate for the eye-wateringly asinine amount of money they spent on these shirts.