News in Pictures: Mike Pence Caught Doing Porn

By: Cin Drariug

 

Quiz: Should You Fuck Your Stepmom This Christmas?

By Harry Nuttsaac

1. Does she constantly call you “stepson” or “stepdaughter?”

1. Sometimes, but it comes up normally
2. No? That’s kinda weird…
3. Yeah, and she always does it with a smirk

2. What does she do when she drops something in front of you?

1. I try my best not to look at her when she picks it up
2. She picks it up? Like a normal person?
3. She bends down sexily and winks at me over her shoulder

3. Has she ever fucked your dad with the door open when you were home?

1. I’m pretty sure that was an accident
2. What kinda fucked up house are you living in?
3. Yeah, and there was a cameraman filming my reaction

If you got mostly…

A’s: Don’t try anything unless she starts it

B’s: You’re the most normal person in the room

C’s: You have to get out of there, you’ve been sucked into the Jumanji of pornos!

OnlyFans Announces New Family “Support Me Step-Bro” Discount

By Paul Sdeep

After constant begging from the community, OnlyFans has finally offered their models a family discount they can offer to their loved ones (I’m hoping they only mean step-family but they never specify) so their family can enjoy and take pride in their family member’s work. Children, siblings, and parents alike can now enjoy their brother, sister, dad, or mom’s art at only 50% of the cost. OnlyFans has taken the consumer market by storm with advertisements boasting trendy slogans like “Help Me Step-Brooooooo, By Subscribing at Half the Cost!” and “Step-Bro, Stooooooopppppp Paying Full Price!”

Many models are very pleased with this new discount. “My step-bro has constantly been shaming me for my profession, but he’s never even seen my work. Now maybe I can convince him to subscribe and he can see how enjoyable it is,” said Belle Delphine when asked about the discount. “We have found a massive increase in new subscribers since we’ve launched the discount and it only keeps rising!” said OnlyFans CEO, Tim Stokeley.

To be honest after more interviews with fans, models, and OnlyFans employees I was a bit surprised by the level of normalcy incest porn has achieved and asked Stokeley if he was afraid he was further encouraging this unsafe form of sexual interaction. “Well it’s funny you ask that,” he told us. “I actually feel I’m doing the opposite. By having a screen between the family members and having them sexually interact with each other that way, I’m actually preventing any actual physical sexual encounters within the family. Also if you’re not supporting those close to you, then are you actually fostering healthy and nurturing relationships with your family?” I, like you may now be, had questioned that logic to myself and thought to bring up my concerns to Stokeley, but then I realized this is a man worth 120 million dollars, so I figured he probably knew better than me.

Student Expelled After 1TB Homework Folder Was Revealed via Zoom Screen Share

By George W. Kush

 

New Brunswick, NJ- Rutgers’ Japanese Professor Hugh Jass, 69, had but one fear teaching online: how to stop students from using Anime profile pictures on Zoom. Little did he know, one of his students had set into motion a far more nefarious plot.

 

On Monday, September 14th, student Mike Hunt, self-proclaimed “Loli Enthusiast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)” as per his Twitter bio, accidentally opened a one terabyte homework folder on screen after believing he had left the call. He had shared his screen to present for class. The folder contained many PDF documents with six number titles and two more folders, one labeled “scat,” and the other, “they aren’t kids.” His mistake was immediately noticed by a student wearing a Naruto Headband who said, “’yoooooooo send me that shit’ in like totally the most cringe way ever,” one student recounted. When questioned by his Professor, Mike Hunt immediately claimed that his one terabyte folder titled “Homework ;)” was a collection of past work sent to him by Rutgers Alumni which he intended to use for cheating.

 

I asked experts to identify what classes’ homework Mike Hunt may have had access too but suspiciously they all laughed in my face which really hurt my feelings but definitely did not make me cry. We may never know the full story of how a friendless virgin was able to collect one terabyte of homework. What we do know is I am so bored of this story I cannot even finish this sente

Personals – Week of April 6th, 2020

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Alleged Streetwise Self Help Correspondent

(Sup fuckers. In light of recent events, I will now be responding to your questions and placing my psychobabble drivel into a vomitous text wall format for the time being. Enjoy. Or don’t.)

 

Quarantine Treats

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a doorknob’s microbe colony?

(However many licks it takes to satisfy your lungs and heart’s mutual content. This is America, where you have the freedom to exist in a free market and drown in your own phlegm, should you choose.)

Why are so many fucking people baking banana bread in quarantine? Of all the bread’s, why the one with the soggiest, mushiest fruit?

(Why not? Do you want the shit to go moldy over a week in the trash can, or in a moldy batter base while you offer badly feigned superlatives about your parent’s cooking?)

What’s the safest way to deliver brownies to my friends after 8:00 P.M.?

(Via carrier pigeon? If they can dodge some artillery over the Western Front, they can sure as fuck dodge as measly little curfew.)

How do I tell if the pigeon on my lawn is stoned?

(Uhhh does it have red eyes? Is it unmistakably chirping Snoop Dogg to an exact  4/4 time signature? Is it over-indulging on bread and alka seltzer? I don’t fuckin know dude, just call Animal Control.) 

 

Quarantine Entertainment

Now that I’m an adult, how will I ever recapture the rush of lying to 18+ websites?

(Go undercover in your suburb’s respective 60+, pro-cop, vaguely racist boomer Facebook group. Someone’s gotta make up for the drop in membership these next few months.)

Now that I’m an adult, how will I ever recapture the rush of posting my nude body on 18+ websites?

(Go to www.fbi.gov for answers. They are the nation’s foremost experts on free-balling and female body inspection. Better yet, give them a call and tell them your predicament at 1-800-225-5324!)

Should I buy the Final Fantasy 7 remake, or Persona 5 remake?

(I’m not really big on the convoluted narrative heavy RPGs. More of a CoD Warzone guy frankly. It’s easier to follow the Adderall-zonked 12 year old punching you dozens of times in the gulag than the fate of Cloud and Sephiroth.)

Did Louis C.K. bioengineer COVID-19 as literal viral marketing for his new special, that way he could turn the entire world into his captive audience?

(Nah. We might be locked down, but we aren’t locked IN.)

 

Quarantine Shower Thoughts

Am I a sellout if I get an internship at the government?

(Yes, but possibly no. You may not be able to stop the child-caging I.C.E. apparatus from the inside, but maybe you can give the kids incrementally bigger cages and better tinfoil blankets to sleep in? Non supermarket store brand?)

What if my feeling is that the facts DO care about my feelings?

(No. It can’t be. Debate me from a six foot distance, coward. Friday. Eight O’clock sharp. Full curfew mode.)

Y’all ever look at yourself in the mirror and be like “damn, I really do got that Jew nose”!

(I do, but I look at myself and be like “damn, I really got one of them italic noses”.)

Wouldn’t you wanna be a radical nasal centrist, with the length of a Jew nose and that thick juiciness of an Italian nose?

(Valid point. After all, it’s the nice bump from the Jew side that really takes the cake.)

 

Word Of The Week* 

(*cause I got nothing else)

Theodicy!

(A.K.A. the world’s largest plothole argument. A debate raging the forums for over 2000 years and counting.)

10 Things to Watch While All Sports are Stopped

Not By Rudy Gobert, Since He is Too Busy Touching Microphones

1. Nothing. There’s literally nothing.
2. Well, I still have to write 8 more things here…
3. Oh wait, I forgot about Pornhub. 
4. There’s also XVideos, RedTube, YouPorn, and more! 
5. I think I should change the title of this article…
6. New Title– Top Sex Moments in Sports
7. Jamal Murray’s Blowjob
8. Draymond Green’s Dick Pic 
9. Unrelated, but Jimmy Garrapolo should really do a sex tape… no homo. Well lots of homo actually. 
10. Kelly Oubre should too. Cutest player in the league.

Pornhub Sidebar Ads To Be Adapted Into Full Fledged Cinematic Universe

By Manuel C. Hode

In the wake of comic book icon Stan Lee’s recent passing, it seems that pornographic corporate titan MindGeek is setting their sights on competing with mega-corporate corporate titan Disney’s Marvel Cinematic Universe, with their own Pornhub Sidebar Advert Cinematic Universe.

In their first phase, the P.S.A.C.U. is striving to break new ground as the first ever all NC-17 cinematic universe with the “biggest, most well endowed ensemble ever brought to a cinematic universe” per their spokesman. The inaugural film in the franchise will be a 90 minute buddy comedy focusing on the heartfelt relationship between Percy Quin (Jack McBrayer) and Chad Steele (voiced by Sam Elliot), an engorged, perpetually-erect anthropomorphic penis.

Quin has spent most of his life as a lonely, virginal beta male, but within two short weeks of taking unsolicited mail-order pills that aren’t F.D.A. verified, Chad enters his life with six extra inches and an extra set of agonizingly painful urethral teeth.

Following Quin’s subsequent O.D., the next few installments are slated to concern the psychedelic, hallucinatory sexual exploits of fictional cartoon characters as he gradually slides into cardiac arrest and brain death. Upon sending their children to summer camp, the Griffins, Simpsons, Browns, and the entire collective hentai waifu/tentacle monster populace all indulge in a week of sexy, scuzzy, nubile, orgiastic, and kinky fun that no one asked to see. Also, Lara Croft will be there in a milestone TOTALLY INTERACTIVE cameo segment, enjoying a hot anal plowing from behind with a random cartoonishly endowed World Of Warcraft orc for some fucking reason.

As Quin slips further and further into the oblivion of the empty void we will all return to, so does the Cartoon Realm, into a boundless hellscape rife with both all the hot singles in your area, and intrusive drones begging them to subscribe to Pornhub Premium. The warring factions will come head to head in a 4D three hour ensemble epic, flooding theaters nationwide with the thickest of ropes.

ALL the hot singles from Quin’s life shall flash before his subconscious; all the single classmates, all the single teachers, all the single stepmoms, step grandmas, and step sisters whom conveniently aren’t blood related whatsoever.

Finally, when the last vestige of DMT transcends his pineal gland, he too will transcend the echelon of the Ad Realm, and close out Phase 1 in a riveting two hour feature adaptation of Spike Jonze’s iconic Pornhub Award music video for “I Love It”. Led by their towering colossus oracle Adele Givens, Kanye West and Lil Pump will guide Percy down the opulent pearly hallway toward the Unknown, confronting profound existential questions in a poignant, meditative character study. Shall we drink from the three divine flasks of lean, sparkling, and still water in the end? Or are we all simply damned to be fucking hoes, slaving away on a desolate rock, castigating ourselves for every failure and torment, imprisoned in husks of rotting flesh and bone from morning through bed? Slowly witnessing every fiber of your being prostrated out of you until there is nothing left? Accumulating a wellspring of boundless misery, every trace to be utterly expunged by our Sun’s boundless flame, an unparalleled hotness the likes of which may rival Asa Akira? Jacking off alone into the abyss, acquiescent to the whims of nature, entropy, tedium, all of your sanguine physical and psychological scars lain bare before you until you return toward the ash, dust, and congealed jizm from which you’ve came?

We would report more leaked spoilers for the upcoming franchise, but unfortunately the last few pages of our insider’s alleged screenplay copy were found stuck together.

What does Net Neutrality Mean to you?

Dick of the Week: Indiana Moans

News in Pictures: Rutgers Adds Hentai to Basic Cable Package

Rutgers really is all inclusive! Caving to pressure from the popular hentai club, Rutgers will now offer hentai with every room that comes with cable.