We’ve all heard the the age old adage: All dogs go to heaven. But dogs are not the only pets in the world (clearly are the best though). So we at the Medium have consulted our Mediums- AKA unpaid, lowly, intern- to find the place your pet is going to live it’s afterlife out. Here is what we got back with.
Dogs: This one is pretty obvious, they go to Heaven, duh. Your greatest friend is going to go straight to Saint Peter when he dies and going to be as adorkable as he was when he was snuggling on your lap. Just be warned, dogfighters are also chilling in heaven. Get ready for some white knuckle entertainment.
Cats: After your good ol’ cat wasted away all of it’s nine lives, it goes straight to purgatory. They go to the eternal waiting room to just do what they always do, lay about and ignore literally everyone. One minute they are rubbing against a lost soul, the other minutes they just lay down exactly at the same spot, staring at the lost soul’s empty eyes. It’s a purr-fect place for cats. Except Zack’s cat, namitz, that motherfucker is going straight to Hell.
Brids: Speaking of hell, that is where your pet parakeet went to, not the farm. They are employed by the gracious and always charming host, Satan, to peck all the infidels and heathens to death. Peck Peck Peck, and the sin goes away. Okay, not really, unfortunately Hell isn’t a rehabilitation center. You just get pecked to death as a cacophony of geese scream for all of eternity.
Reptiles: This one is easy, Reptiles are Jewish and do not believe in the afterlife. Yes, you heard that right, all reptiles are Jewish. They are all circumcised and don’t eat pigs That alt-right conspiracy theory was right, lizard people run the world and they’re jewish and stuff. Don’t read into it too much, it’s just how it is.
Rabbits: When rabbits die, they get reincarnated into two newborn bunnies. It is why the phrase “breed like rabbits” exists. They are perpetually making more and more of themselves, each time the experience of one Rabbit is cut in half to become the life force of two tiny bunnies.
Fish: Fish don’t die. Fish just go down into the ocean and become food for other fish. Fish are the scourge of the world, always swimming in their own filth. They are lifeless husks that give a bad name to evolution. Don’t get me started on fishpeople.