Tag Archives: Listicle

5 Rules For Driving A Camaro

  1. WASH YOUR ASS!!!

You don’t want your smelly shit stinkin up your brand new 2019 Camaro! What are passengers gonna think when they’re trying to be impressed by your new Camaro?? They’re gonna think, “Jesus Christ!! It smells like used Applebee’s in here!”

 

NEXT

 

  1.  DRINK AND DRIVE

You need to appear as cool as possible to your friendssssss. Drink, drive, smoke spliffs, wear sunglasses! You want to give them ultimate Chevrolet Camaro experience!! Provide Miller High Lifes for every guest.

 

CONTINUING

 

  1. LEAVE THE DOORS AROUSED

Yes you read that right. GET WITH THE PROGRAM

 

MOVING ALONG

 

  1. POUR ONE OUT FOR PAUL WALKER

We need to respect the man of Camaros himself, pour out one entire Miller High Life out of respect. People need to know you’re serious here. You represent all luxury utility vehicle owners and we need to keep it classy!

 

FINALLY

 

  1. GIVE YOUR CHILD THE CAMARO IN YOUR WILL

You gotta pass on the Camaro Legacy!! Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean the spirit of the 2019 Chevrolet Camaro is!! Your kid will love you eternally and actually respect you if you leave your Camaro to them.

 

RESPECT GOD, BUY A CAMARO

Which Afterlife Is Your Pet Going To?

We’ve all heard the the age old adage: All dogs go to heaven. But dogs are not the only pets in the world (clearly are the best though). So we at the Medium have consulted our Mediums- AKA unpaid, lowly, intern- to find the place your pet is going to live it’s afterlife out. Here is what we got back with.

 

Dogs: This one is pretty obvious, they go to Heaven, duh. Your greatest friend is going to go straight to Saint Peter when he dies and going to be as adorkable as he was when he was snuggling on your lap. Just be warned, dogfighters are also chilling in heaven. Get ready for some white knuckle entertainment.

 

Cats: After your good ol’ cat wasted away all of it’s nine lives, it goes straight to purgatory. They go to the eternal waiting room to just do what they always do, lay about and ignore literally everyone. One minute they are rubbing against a lost soul, the other minutes they just lay down exactly at the same spot, staring at the lost soul’s empty eyes. It’s a purr-fect place for cats. Except Zack’s cat, namitz, that motherfucker is going straight to Hell.

 

Brids: Speaking of hell, that is where your pet parakeet went to, not the farm. They are employed by the gracious and always charming host, Satan, to peck all the infidels and heathens to death. Peck Peck Peck, and the sin goes away. Okay, not really, unfortunately Hell isn’t a rehabilitation center. You just get pecked to death as a cacophony of geese scream for all of eternity.

 

Reptiles: This one is easy, Reptiles are Jewish and do not believe in the afterlife. Yes, you heard that right, all reptiles are Jewish. They are all circumcised and don’t eat pigs That alt-right conspiracy theory was right, lizard people run the world and they’re jewish and stuff. Don’t read into it too much, it’s just how it is.

 

Rabbits: When rabbits die, they get reincarnated into two newborn bunnies. It is why the phrase “breed like rabbits” exists. They are perpetually making more and more of themselves, each time the experience of one Rabbit is cut in half to become the life force of two tiny bunnies.

 

Fish: Fish don’t die. Fish just go down into the ocean and become food for other fish. Fish are the scourge of the world, always swimming in their own filth. They are lifeless husks that give a bad name to evolution. Don’t get me started on fishpeople.

Ten Reasons Why Ted Bundy is Innoncent

By Caron Ann Boone

As you may know I am the ex-wife of the infamous Ted Bundy. I know what you all think I’m crazy, but I am not so please, whoever you are, stop sending psychiatrists to my home. It is very important that I clear my late ex-husband’s name, that is why I am making this top ten list. Here are the top ten reasons why Ted Bundy is innocent.

  1. He is just to damn adorable, how could anyone who can be played by Zac Efron be a killer.
  2. He defended himself in court, only an idiot would defend themselves if they were guilty.
  3. He was so friendly, he could get anyone to like him and trust him.
  4. He told me he didn’t do it.
  5. He never wanted to have sex so how could he possibly have done those things to those girls with no sex drive?
  6. When we did have sex it wasn’t much, so how could he have been so vicious?
  7. The trailer for “Extremely Wicked, Shockingly evil, and vile” makes him look super cool so how could he possibly be a murderous monster?
  8. They forced him to admit it before his death.

 

That’s all I could think of, but he is innocent!!!

On-Campus Restaurants Ranked by Quality of Chicken Tenders

By Heywood Jablomi

Poultry Pincher

 

Everyone loves chicken tenders, they’re a college dining staple. Relatively cheap, full of protein, friend, and best of all, made of mankind’s greatest foe, the chicken. But where can you get the best chicken tenders? That’s what I’m here to tell you. Here’s my ranking of every venue where you can get chicken tenders on campus, except for Cook-Douglass because I remain unconvinced that C/D actually exists.

 

  1. RU Hungry: I might be cheating a little bit, because this isn’t so much the quality of the tenders so much as the context of the tenders. Part of it is the sandwich they come in: you can get chicken tenders just about anywhere, but here’s the only place where you can get them in a hoagie alongside french fries, mozzarella sticks, and marinara sauce. Also, when do you get RU Hungry? Only when you’re stoned or fucking starving. Everything tastes better when you’re stoned or fucking starving. It’s not just about the meat, my friends. RU Hungry has decent tenders, but they know how to sell them so they’re fantastic
  2. King Pita Palace: You’re probably thinking, Heywood you idiot, this place has Middle Eastern food! Why are you getting chicken from here? Well, one day Wendy’s had a half hour line that spiraled all the way from the front of their kiosk all the way through the tables and out to the bathrooms. There wasn’t even a sale or anything, it was just 12:55 and all the 11:30 classes had just let out. So I went to King Pita because I saw they had chicken tenders and my god, they were even better than Wendy’s. So crisp, so golden, so warm, and almost no waiting.
  3. Wendy’s: Almost as good as King Pita, and you can get a frosty with it, but they just don’t compare. They’ve got some good seasoning, and that goes double for their fries, but it’s rarely worth the wait. If you want something to eat now and something before class, then maybe get a sandwich and take the tendies for the road, but other than that, just go right next door.
  4. Woody’s: I’ll be honest, I’ve only managed to get this deep into Busch twice without succumbing to the geese and having to run away or get rescued, but back when I was on a meal plan, the chicken almost made it worth the trip. If you’re nearby, I’d definitely recommend it, and if you’re not, take something along to take care of the geese. Those tenders will make a sweet victory meal if you make survive, though.
  5. Henry’s: $8.50 for six tenders?? They take meal swipes, sure, but if you’re not on a meal plan this is probably your budget for the next day and a half. If you’re willing to spend that much, just get a fat sandwich instead, at least that will feed you for a weekend. I don’t even care how good they are at this point, it doesn’t matter if they taste the same way riding an empty LX feels, I’ll never in my life be able to afford them.
  6. The Rock Cafe: I have a tray of them right next to me and they gave me clinical depression. If you’re in the area just get some breakfast food or a grilled cheese or a burger, those are all just fine, but this chicken is just limp, lukewarm sadness in old batter with a bad aftertaste and worse mouthfeel. I regret my entire night after eating these, and now wish to go to sleep and hope tomorrow may be a better day.

Top 10 Places to Juul on Campus

Whether you’re trying to be secretive, or just going for style points, it’s your lucky day. I’ve been aggregating data to determine the best locations to juul on campus. I’ve proudly developed this list for a diverse array of people including cool people who juul and uncool people who juul. Just go to these places, take a drag that no one will notice anyway, and feel that you’re doing it right. Here you go:

  1. Alexander Library. Any room will do, though the larger rooms like the undergraduate and graduate reading rooms are the best. Nothing like getting some work done with friends and taking that quick rip of nicotine to the face. Or, if you’re a loser and do work by yourself, you can juul in one of the cubicles.
  2. A dining hall. It’s against the rules. Enough said.
  3. Livingston Student Center room 117 D. Bonus points if it’s on a Monday at 8 pm. We at The Medium are big juul supporters, and totally won’t make fun of you if you come to a meeting and take a big hit.
  4. The exhaust pipe in Tillet Hall. I also heard this is a great make out spot.
  5. Scott Hall Bathroom. They’re kinda gross, so maybe that rush of nicotine may make you forget about the nastiness.
  6. In the stairway of the business school. Although other kids are probably already doing it there, but at least you’ll fit in for once.
  7. In Starbucks. It smells nice and you’ll feel even better mixing nicotine and caffeine unless you have a heart attack.
  8. Back seats of the bus, but only if you’re high key and very obnoxious about it.
  9. In the Uber you take to class. Hopefully the driver won’t kick you out or call you a pussy.
  10. During a multiple choice test, and hitting it once for A, twice for B, three times for C, four times for D.

Top 5 Things Retail Taught me that I Never Wanted to Know

By Heywood Jablomi
Quick Chek Survivor

  1. All the lyrics to ABBA’s Dancing Queen. Retail stores only have about fifteen or twenty songs on their playlist, and holy shit, some of the songs were a lot worse, but none of them played as much as Dancing Queen. If you held me at gunpoint and made me sing it, I could probably do it perfectly, but I’d also probably rather you shoot me.
  2. Your fucking job. There’s nothing I like better than someone standing at the counter after their transaction telling me about their $30/hour desk job where they can slack off all day when I’ve been here for three and a half hours and have probably five more ahead of me. When I say “have a good one,” that’s your hint to go home so I can clean off the counter so my boss doesn’t have to tell me to.
  3. Different types of cigarettes. Red is usually standard, yellow is light, silver is ultra light, green is menthol, unless you’re fucking pall mall or american spirit and taking up the entire goddamn rainbow. I’m sure my knowledge of cancer sticks will serve me well out in the world. Aren’t entry-level jobs supposed to teach you something useful?
  4. How not to make soup. We had a soup counter, and every morning the shift leader would heat up the soup in the microwave so it would be ready for the rest of the day. Whenever I was assisting her, she’d always say “this isn’t the right way to do it, if you’re ever a shift leader you shouldn’t do it this way”. So what is the right way? Fuck if I know. I only ever saw her do it exactly how she told me not to, and when I quit I’d still never once seen her or anyone else heat it up the “right” way.
  5. What a 2% raise feels like. It’s especially bad when your boss tries to play it off as a good raise instead of just saying “hey you suck, work harder and maybe next time we’ll pay you more”. When the only incentive they can muster up to keep you around is an extra 26 cents an hour, you don’t really feel much like hanging around. I wouldn’t have been more tempted to hang in my nametag if he’d ordered me to.