BY MCLIMATE ZLOCA: STAFF WRITER
NEW YORK CITY—Over 310,000 people gathered last Sunday in New York City for the Climate Summit at the United Nations. Correspondent Dick Greenest echoed the overall sentiment of the protest: “The consciousness is finally changing. More and more people realize that corporations are guilty for everything ranging from climate change, economic crisis, world inequality, bad weather, girls who turn you down, shitty grades, watered-down beer, hurricanes, and STDs… man, fuck corporations!”
Not everyone agrees. New York resident Rick Hurst argued that the ever-increasing temperature seems to have had even some positive impacts. Most protesters, for example, were forced to wear skimpier clothing due to the heat. “In comparison to the activists back in the 1970s,” noted Hurst, “the majority of the girls here have shaved armpits and don’t smell and look like truck drivers.” “We came to march for climate and take a lot of pictures to justify why we’re better than everyone else,” stated Tori Novielli, a sophomore in the business school.
Another Rutgers student sporting too many dreadlocks for a white person added, “I believe it is a perfect opportunity to spruce up my Tumblr page and I support all efforts of the organizers to make this possible. The power is back with the people.” Sadly, not everyone was happy with the outcome of the March. Namely, activists of the Elderly Jewish Lesbians for Climate Action and Latin American Forest Rights group mournfully expressed that they felt underrepresented. As member Phillis Jane lamented, “It’s like no one even knows we exist.”
As the day and march drew to a close, many members dispersed toward nearby McDonalds and Starbucks to congratulate each other on a job well done.