By Dr. Anthony Fauci (no, not really, but yes)
Not By Rudy Gobert, Since He is Too Busy Touching Microphones
By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Metaphysical Correspondent
The far-reaching repercussions of the COVID-19 pandemic have been felt not only across countries, but across worlds beyond our own Earthly realm. The two most hard hit netherrealms have been Mictlán, the Aztec underworld, and Helgafjell, the sprawling, mountainous Norse Pagan overworld for normies that weren’t killed in battle. Odin, God of Wisdom, and Huitzilopochtli, Solar God of War, were none too pleased to hear that their longtime work may soon be outdone by a mere pathetic mortal; President Trump.
“Back in the day we had to put in the work to disembowel them on the stone altar. It was elaborate, and it was an art. Now this gringo and his gringo cronies wanna drop stock on a lame, brutal lung disease killing millions of their own people? Lame as shit man. At least executive order YOUR ball court players to play with the severed heads of YOUR sacrifices. Give the people SOME entertainment!”
Huitzilopochtli then elaborated that heart removal was “more metal” than “Noah’s Great Snot Flood will ever be”, and that he’s greatly disappointed in the president for capitalizing upon this crisis with no extra metal flair. Ergo, Odin lamented filmmaker Ari Aster for watering down and Americanizing his message in the 2019 horror movie “Midsommar”.
“Y’know, I was kinda hoping they wouldn’t apply the whole ‘send people down a steep incline to their brutal deaths’ thing across an entire country. It was a good flick, but it might not have given everyone the right ideas. Looking back, I dunno why I hoped better. The vikings who maypole danced with intestines sure didn’t.”
Both gods condemned Mr. Trump for using the “corona buffer” to outclass their respective “K/D;R”’s. Ultimately, both struggled to see the practicality of his desire to reopen the United States by Easter, effectively sentencing thousands of Americans to death. Overseeing the civilization that pioneered irrigation, Huitzilopochtli had choice words to offer about the U.S. resources and capabilities.
“You motherfuckers have the money, and the agricultural system to nourish crops. You don’t need to sacrifice for me, any other Gods, Goddesses, or a God-damned line. You have it, it’s just in the hands of bigger narcissists and sociopaths than a deity who beheaded his own sister and craved the flesh of thousands more. Trust me, I would know.”
Both gods hope that the God Emperor will not outdo their human sacrifice high scores on the cosmic arcade machine (where they’re tagged “HEAT” and “HOEDIN”, respectively), but as retirees of the game, they can only do so much. As Thor’s quarantined up in Valhalla and too busy playing CoD Warzone to care, they hope that Huitzilopochtli’s noclip mod on the “GREENHOUSE” exploit will be just enough to slow the momentum of the virus, and the imminent crumbling of our already wire-thin healthcare system.
By Brad Daniels
Okay, so I was just minding my business in the park at the center of my town when some motherfucking pigs cuff me and cart me off to the station! I don’t get what the big deal was! I understand that we’re supposed to be staying away from other people, but the park was totally empty. Yeah, I’m not gonna argue that I wasn’t choking my chicken, playing whack-a-mole, wrangling the snake, spanking the monkey, beating my meat, but I don’t see any issue with what I was doing. Seriously, before these cops showed up I was alone in this place, I don’t think that it still counts as “public masturbation.”
If I was doing this kinda thing any other time, like not during an international pandemic, I’d agree that it does need to be punished, but I could not have possibly been bothering anyone. I tried making this case to the arresting class traitors but they argued something about “social distancing,” but I promised them, absolutely no one was gonna get within six feet of me. Now I’ve gotta do sixty hours of community service (after this whole plague blows over) for doing what everybody else is doing. But, while everyone is doing it in their homes while other people might be around, I’m doing it in the middle of a park with no one anywhere near me! I’m a better citizen than anyone else!
By Chad 게이머
Overwatch League Analyst, Not Korean
We all love a good underdog story. The small-town golden boy has the odds stacked against him, and with enough determination he pulls through. This is not what’s happening in the 2020 democratic national primary. The DNC has decided to put all their eggs in Biden’s basket, figuratively speaking, choosing a recognizable yet completely unsubstantial candidate to take on the very embodiment of toxic capitalism. While their decision to fight capitalism with capitalism is questionable to say the least, there’s some even bigger flaws in their strategy.
Sure, everyone knows Biden’s name. He’s Obama’s white friend, and everyone loves Obama. He reminds us of a simpler time. Unfortunately, that’s all he has going for him. What are his policies? Fuck if I know. Fuck if anyone knows. But what he lacks in policy he also lacks in cognitive functions. Pushing a frontrunner who’s very obviously in the early stages of dementia is an interesting strategy, but hey, it worked for the GOP last time.
Looking at various bookies, there’s wildly different odds on whether Biden or Trump will win the matchup depending on who you ask, so I suppose it’s anyone’s game. I considered doing a segment on whether Biden or Bernie would be a better president, but it looks like that’s not really a thing us presidential race analysts do. As mind-numbingly stupid as running a rapey republican with regressing cognitive functions is as the democratic frontrunner, it looks like we’re shaping up for the mirror match for the ages.
…
I’ve just checked the blogosphere and saw a whole lot about Andrew Cuomo? Who hasn’t been in the race but is suddenly a serious candidate? Fuck this, I’m going back to Overwatch. I need something with a solid, unchanging meta after this bullshit.
By Harry Nuttsaac
A woman in the New Brunswick area has been taking advantage of this COVID-19 pandemic to spew her unbelievably naive political opinions. Requesting to remain anonymous, this woman, Susan Strong (142 Willow Blvd, East Brunswick, NJ), has started almost every single conversation she’s had with someone in the last few months with “I’m not very political, but…” and then gone on to disprove that statement. During conversations, Strong might bring up a reliable post from the local Fox News station near Bumfuck, Nebraska.
Witnesses have said that she would usually follow this opener with misinformation about Obama causing the coronavirus (or she will use “a derogatory term for Asian people” virus), how Donald Trump is sent directly from our Lord and Savior Jose` Triscuit (My Pillow’s Mike Lindell said so), that Mike Pence absolutely loves gay people (she should know, her son is gay), and that America’s military is really necessary/that we don’t spend enough money on it (her exact words were “Until we have at least one drone for every civilian building out there, we aren’t spending enough).
When The Medium went over to her place of work, a print shop where she makes an extremely liberal newspaper, she brought up politics before we even said anything: “Are you guys those fucking pieces of shit from government here to collect my taxes?” When we told her no and that we were from Rutgers’ best newspaper, no, not The Targum, she asked if we were “fucking libtards.” We dodged this question, because we are, and asked if she is politically vocal at all. “Aside from speaking at every single town hall meeting and complaining about everything those dumbasses are doing wrong, no. But now that this [slur for Asian people omitted] virus is going around, I just have to tell literally every single person that comes into this place, even if they didn’t ask like you guys did.” About two hours after we visited, Strong was fired because she doesn’t own the place and was driving off customers, especially the Asian ones.
By Harry Nuttsaac
By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Alleged Streetwise Self Help Correspondent
(Sup fuckers. In light of recent events, I will now be responding to your questions and placing my psychobabble drivel into a vomitous text wall format for the time being. Enjoy. Or don’t.)
Is “people are dying” an adequate excuse for handing in my essay late?
(Bullshit. You should’ve PREPARED for your grandparents to drown in their own snot. If you can write up an obituary, you can write up 700 words on the sociopolitical motifs of Despicable Me.)
How do I properly deal with the mouth breather in my classroom chat?
(Just right click the microphone icon over his name. Or put him on blast in a 37 minute diatribe about how he’s worth nothing, his family’s worth nothing, comes from nothing, and will decay and rot into less than nothing.)
How do I channel my inner Oprah to break it to my family that the results came back so “you got corona”, “you got corona”, and “you got corona”?
(Are you a billionaire media mogul? A hit-and-run victim at the hands of Josh Peck? A platformer of pseudoscientific grifters? No? Then sit down, shut the fuck up, and go do some perenial tanning.)
Trump rolled the quarantine back from Easter to the 30th. How is my cult supposed to hold a sacrificial toilet seat mass now?
(Air travel’s pretty cheap these days. Why not book a 747 and join the mile high club?)
My local police department said they’re no longer responding to calls about theft. Want anything?
(I could really go for some serotonin and job security right about now.)
How do I convince the media to cover up my predatory behaviors as well as they do Biden’s?
(Why worry if you’re not a public figure? If anyone still gives you shit about it, tell them that THIS IS AMERICA, and the apotheosis of American democracy is tolerating the lesser of the two rapists.)
If the DNC and American people are collectively stupid enough to redo 2016, then do we deserve the inevitable ecological collapse that’s coming our way?
(Nah. The people who most deserve it probably already put down payments on the doomsday bunkers. If we’re all gonna die though, at least die charging through the sentry guns for their Lucky Charm marshmallow rations.)
How long until Joe Biden inevitably confuses himself for Joe Exotic?
(Well, given they’re both racist sexual predators with failed presidential campaigns, tapioca pudding brains, and bad hair extensions, I could see it. Don’t know why Joe Exotic Biden would spend decades being against himself getting married though.)
Who would win in a fight between peak Joe Biden and peak Joe Exotic?
(Exotic. He might be a coward who hates confrontation, but his tigers don’t. And Biden might have some strapped guards, but are they really GW Zoo strapped? He also called a rifle an “AR-14”, so how would a beta who doesn’t even know the weapons they’re making laws about stand a chance against a chad Wal-Mart John Wick? I’m sure he’d go down swinging the Corn Pop chain on some pussies, though.)
Funny ways to torture the douche from The Epoch Times YouTube ads, as a satirical art piece in Roblox?
(By letting him wake up and look in the mirror every morning. No amount of sucking on the teat of far right GriftBux can’t make it not a miserable existence.)
The missus hasn’t spoken to me since I let slip that I deliberately infected her grandma with COVID for my YouTube prank channel. How do I get her to break the silent treatment?
(Encourage her to read her eulogy at the Zoom funeral next week, and hire stream raiders to brigade the chat and heckle. Just as a little social experiment.)
Oh no! How will the corporations do their epic April Fools pranks and relatable hip “May Mays” now?!?!
(I dunno, the U.S. healthcare system is a pretty solid joke at the moment. Classic knee slapper.)
Why does the universe hate any potential of lasting good in my life?
(Because you’re not good. You were never good. You’re awful. So awful that even your solipsistic projections don’t like you.)
Can one of y’all put me in a coma for like 3 months? 3 years? 3 centuries?
(Uh… same? It’s taken me hours to even zonk on NyQuil though, so I’d probably wake up by month two.)
Why does mind want house rave while body want schleep?
(It’s called anxiety. Or stimulants. Or the Inside Out people in your head wired your Circadian Rhythm from Roy Ayers to Death Grips.)
The Medium 