Category Archives: loser

I Have Not Succumbed To The Chicken Carbonara Virus Mack

By Real Joe Biden, Former Vice President, 2020 Presidential Hopeful, Woman Respecter, Not An Intern Or Other Joe Biden

 

People of Barack America, here’s the deal. A lot of you have been wondering where I’ve been the past fortnights. Why disappear from the public eye for over a week when campaigning for a national election for prime chancellor? Well, it’s quite simple Jack. These Burrisma Brothers have been talking up slanderous lies about the COREVID-18 epidemic, alleging I’ve been drugged on the smack or dead all this time? Worse yet, they’ve said I’d done the raps and raves, like those rapscallion teeny boppers and hornswogglers?

 

Look fat. This damn Qdoba disease ain’t nothing. I’ve been asympathetic of dementia, stuttering, Auschwitzeimers, chicken carbonara virus, all of it man. I won’t deny I’ve EVER had it, nor would Hunter, Beau, Jill, or Francine West have. Corner Betty would make a MEAN casserole in the neighborhood back then. Those days, to get the eggs for the roux, you’d have to personally raise the chickens yourself, and wring their necks by your own hand. 

 

She had a nice pair of bloomers, that Corner Betty. Lived on the side I’d less than nigh pay a nickel to bus to, lest Hunter needed me to pick up some of the stuff. Put pomade and hot rollers around that pit hair. Called it gentle wind feathers cause that’s how it’d blow. Anywho, like my former confidante Chairman Hussein Alabama, I hightailed it outta there and into the sanitorium, away from any clear and present danger.

 

I am writing this official campaign press release to confirm I am indeed well, alive, and in the tender loving caring comfort of Dr. Joe Biden’s husband. Fortunately I can afford that comfort, unlike you no-good inconveniencing scallywag macks dropping left and right in the streets like the gadflies you are. Social Darwininianism. Select naturale. No chicken carbonara here. No siree. If any Barney Sandal or Ronald McDonald head wants to test my mettle on that, they can take it outback for some deadlifts. At the place. The one you know.

Celebrity Cover of “Imagine” Heals the World

By Paul Sdeep

The coronavirus has affected every single one of us, keeping us home with the fears of contracting the virus from others. Some of us more than others with people losing jobs and some even losing family to the horrible virus. Beloved celebrities saw these hardships and decided to take action. Our beloved Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot, felt as a public figure she had to do something to help the pain and hardship people were dealing with. But what can you do in a time like this? Use your and friends of yours’ unbelievable amounts of money to create a fund to provide relief for the newly unemployed? Or donate the money towards research to speed up the creation of a vaccination for the virus? Of course not! Money isn’t everything! Gadot wanted to give something from her heart, not her wallet! So she gathered a group of her rich and famous friends to sing “Imagine” for you, so you can kindly be reminded of the possibility of no afterlife from your favorite celebrity as you mourn the death of your grandmother.

The level of awareness this video show just proves how self-aware these actors are and how they know how fucking awesome they are! So if you’re feeling down because you can’t see your family and friends, or you just lost your job, you can now open up twitter and watch a bunch of people with massive houses, that probably have almost everything they need in it, try to make you feel like everything is going to be alright. Hospitals are beginning to report that after watching the video Coronavirus patients’ symptoms began to subside and show no signs of the virus in their symptoms. Doctors astounded by the results began administering the video to cancer patients, which then had rapid effects with the cancer cells being eradicated instantly. There are also reports in Africa that a young man who gained access to the video on an old smartphone, struck a rock with his phone, while the video was playing and miraculously fresh clean water spouted out of the top. These heroic actions by Gal Gadot and friends have been our salvation and when this is all over we will have them to thank!

Personals – Week of March 23rd, 2020

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Alleged Streetwise Self Help Correspondent

(Sup fuckers. In light of recent events, I will now be responding to your questions and placing my psychobabble drivel into a vomitous text wall format for the time being. Enjoy. Or don’t.)

 

Games

 

How should I eulogize my grandparents, who valiantly laid down their lives for the cause of selling Funko Pops and Animal Crossing?

(You’ve got more time on your hands to play Minecraft, right? Use it motherfucker. The graveyards procedurally generate for you! No fat charnel house checks to cut!) 

How to slide into Club Penguin Rewritten DMs during these trying times, while everyone’s home from school? Asking as a libertarian.

(You fucking sick degenerate. You be absolutely fucking ashamed of yourself. How do you sleep at night? Everyone knows Webkinz is the way to go.)

Gamestop Store Manager here. How do I tell my employees nicely that sick leave, health benefits, and being treated like a human being with human rights are all paid microtransactions?

(I know selling shrinking Gildan tees and physical games you can just fucking buy digitally are essential services amid a global pandemic. But just throw them SOME bone, alright? Install an indoor demo ventilator. Let your immunocompromised clerks enjoy five minutes of fresh O2 before they drown on the inside. As a treat.)

Why does Dick Pound want to postpone at least a year? I can’t wait that long for my flattening.

(You sound like more of a BME Pain Olympics guy than an Olympic one. You just have to wait as long as it takes your TOR Browser to load for that one, and years for the subsequent irreversible mental scarring to heal.)

 

Shopping Around

 

What does it mean if I’m slowly becoming addicted to watermelon-flavored sparkling water?

 (It means you need to add more variety to your addictive panic buying. Supermarket shelves might be collecting dust right now, but those shelves of dick pills and Pyrex glass at the off-brand corner gas station are good as new.)

How do I break it to my mother that having me be the one sent off to leave the house and get groceries wouldn’t change much as that’s not how the virus works?

 (Break it with empathy and compassion. Explain that this is collectively a difficult time for all of us, and playing pissing contests with your suffering does no one any favors. Express your love with an amicable hand hold. A tight hug. A squeeze. A chivalrous doorknob hold. A peck on the cheek. Platonically. Then visit your grandparents to do the same, especially if they’re lonely in a nursing home right now.)

I don’t have health insurance, what’s the best fast food straw for sucking the fluid out of my lungs?

(WaWa. Single use plastic. None of that namby pamby libtard recycled tree shit. If you’re gonna suffocate to death, you might as well suffocate with your personalized 64oz Coca-Cola Freestyle® sugar water while you’re at it.) 

Out of soap and just had the water cut off. Best body fluid to lather my hands with?

(Urine. It’s sterile. Less bacteria than tap water. You can drink it. Brad Pitt said so 20 years ago, and how could that dashing smile lie?)

 

Nut Aggression Principle

 

I finished Pornhub, which site should I go to next?

(I’d go for a more wholesome palate cleanser. Use this quarantine time to educate yourself on self care and the culinary arts. Look up recipes for a hearty dinner at places like specialfriedrice.net!)

Pine Barrens militiaman here. Should I outfit my M4 SOPMOD with an under-barrel Lysol spray, 650ml Kohler mobile bidet, or pneumatic motor-vibrated XL amethyst Bad Dragon?

(You can live without Febreezing your ass or fucking your ass, but even through societal collapse, there’ll always be a need to wash your ass. Just be sure you’re hitting the right trigger to wash it out with water, and not 5.56×45 NATO bullets.)

As a libertarian, how do I tell the fluid entering my lungs that it’s violating the NAP?

(You don’t. Why would you want to be reliant on radical socialist welfare systems like government assistance, and not being turned away and left to die on the sidewalk?)

Why doesn’t Rand Paul chin up and develop a vaccine with the free market’s invisible hands?

(Why would he? He pulled his bootstraps high enough to work a week after testing positive. Why would our nation’s patriotic GOPers turn into regressive leftist snowflakes who need safe spaces from things like gradually choking to death on super pneumonia?)

 

America, The Beautiful

 

One of my friends is a millionaire apologist, what do I do?

(Steal his dorm refund and government UBI checks, and tell him you’ll trickle them back down to him eventually.)

Who will win: one $21.44 trillion economic infrastructure, or one little nucleic boi?

(Can’t say I’m too crazy about this whole graduating into a global depression thing, but who doesn’t love a good underdog story with the Little Guy?)

Why did my parents have to choose this fucking country for a better life?

(Better question; why’d they have to choose you and me for a fucking life? It’s not a good time over here.)

I Said the End Was Nigh and None of You Fucking Believed Me!

By Hunter Malcolm

Ok fine, it may not have been a giant psychic squid or a zombie apocalypse to do us all in, but I still predicted a global pandemic that would bring the earth to its knees! And who knows, the dead haven’t been dead that long and we don’t know the full effects of COVID-19, so who’s to say! But you all made fun of me. “Look at Hunter, he’s so paranoid,” “he’s crazy,” “wow, he is really losing it.” well look who’s laughing now! I’m sitting on a throne of TP from all my apocalypse survivor kits and you’re all fighting over ass cleaner like it’s goddamn dollar bills.

Then I took to Facebook out of curiosity for how people were doing and everyone is complaining that they are losing their minds in isolation, which gave me a good chuckle. You dumb fucks, my life has not changed in the slightest. After going out once a day for an hour to give all you dumb fucks a warning! Trying to be a hero! Which was useless because look at all of you now! I would go into my bunker for the next 24 hours until the next day. Now I don’t have to do the warning anymore because the end is here and to be honest I never liked trying to warn you guys because you were all really mean. Maybe you bastards deserve this. And once this is all over I will be like the great Noah of the bible and repopulate the earth with what living creatures I could possibly repopulate with. I heard we can have babies with goats, I saw it on the internet once. And of course, with none of you bastards out there to judge me I can test the possibilities with other creatures of God. I’m not sick! I am doing what is necessary! I will rule this earth, for that is my calling! The end has cometh, but the rebirth is nigh!

Citizens Of Heaven Appalled At Size Of God’s Liveleak Playlist

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner

Streetwise Metaphysical Ethereal Realm Correspondent

 

HEAVEN- “I knew it’d be big, but I didn’t anticipate that it’d be THAT big.”

 

Those were the words beckoned by both a single Town Square spokesman and my very existent GF in Canada, but they are words that speak for the sentiment of billions of Heavenly citizens this past weekend. In his mortal Earthly life, Oliver Li was a purist, true blue White Hat hacker, one who shockingly didn’t dabble in dark web shadow markets, child pornography, anime neo-Nazism, or other fucked up incel neckbeard hacker shit. Now, Mr. Li has just unearthed a treasure trove of leaks pertaining to our One True Lord and Saviour; God, Yahweh, the Alpha and Omega, the Head Honcho Himself, has a whopping 57.4 terabytes of Liveleak videos (472 trillion) saved to His hard drive.

 

Since 2007, the site has trafficked in unwavering, unflinching, graphic, and violent content showcasing assaults, gruesome accidents, shootings, stabbings, war crimes, sex crimes, executions, snuff torture, and other fun, wholesome edutainment in that vein. It’s understandable for people to assume that their Great Divine Omnipotent Creator would already have a front-row view of the world’s wedding drone strikes or cartel chainsaw executions, and they may wonder why said Creator doesn’t intervene. Well, God defended His controversial (in)actions at the Town Square. 

 

“Why can’t you fuckers just accept ‘Mysterious Ways’ and call it a day? Damn myself, but come on. I like this spectacle as much as you people, and I appreciate the platforms that you people created to help organize that spectacle to do my work for me. That’s it. Nothing more to it, nothing less. Sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to keep a civilization running. Sometimes you need to decapitate a few chicken souls into Animal Heaven Heaven to make a casserole.”

 

God slouched further into His Dolby bass beanbag gaming chair and wiped the Cheeto dust from His graying beard. In a world inundated with homicide, suicide, murder suicide, rape, injury, war, mass murder, pedophilia, torture, greed, bigotry, famine, necrophilia, pestilence, natural disaster, abuse, and wanton, unrelentingly 24/7 suffering, and creeping environmental deterioration, you may wonder where our loving, benevolent ruler has been to keep tabs on it. 

 

“Well, you rotting flesh bags always harp on my ‘Plan’, but what if my Plan’s joining Y’ALL? Why aren’t I allowed to be as curious about Columbian neckties or Russian dashcam hit-and-runs as much as the next mortal, huh? You’re some damn TWISTED motherfuckers down there, and I relish seeing every second of it.”

 

God concluded with the bold proclamation that He shall “maybe do something I guess” after finishing The Mandalorian, or “wait it out another Five Bil’ for the Old Solar Cleanse”.

Lonely Rutgers Student Tries to Start Conversation with RU-Alert

By Mac n’ Cheesus Christ

New Brunswick – A slushy snow fell on Rutgers campuses Monday prompting the university president to shut down all school activities mid-afternoon. To get the word out as efficiently as possible, an alert was sent to the student body through Rutgers’s emergency text channel, RU-Alert. Soon, all students received a text message declaring the school closure. Most read the message and thought no more of it, but one student, sophomore Mark Cornett, had a slightly different reaction. This was the first text message he had received in months, and Cornett was so lonely he decided to respond. 

Mark Cornett lives entirely isolated due to his lack of friends and the absence of his family (who he definitely did not murder). Cornett is a full time student, but not only does he not have any roommates on campus, he doesn’t even have a dorm. In fact, no one has ever been able to track his whereabouts after dark. It is because of these life circumstances that when Cornett received the RU-Alert, he responded, “Nice to hear from you”. And when the RU-Alert number didn’t respond, he further questioned, “What are you up to? Wanna hang?”. 

It is at this point that Rutgers’ administration noticed the responses and, out of concern, attempted to contact Cornett’s family. Unfortunately they could not be reached (because they were unavailable, not because he murdered them). Then, in what seemed like an ethical 360, they reached out to local news correspondents to sell the story. But, still, there is hope for Cornett as winter break is just around the corner and he is free to go home where there are, for sure, living people in his house.