By Bradley “Brad” Tanner
Streetwise Suburban White Facebook Rapper Correspondent
On April 19th, humanity was blighted by the most unfathomable blight, and assailed by a reflection of it’s visage at it’s ugliest: I am of course talking about the asinine, dogshit ensemble charity “song” by alleged “professional rapper” and “comedian” David “Lil Dicky” Burd, known as “Earth”. Featuring musical cameos from Lil Yachty as HPV, Ariana Grande as a zebra, and Justin Bieber as a baboon going full Goatse gape on his simian hole, the single’s video is a dramatized 7 minute CGI reenactment of Mr. Burd performing fellatio on Leonardo DiCaprio’s vascular, throbbing, fully-erect cock, selflessly guzzling away his milky, viscous cum so it won’t pollute our sacred biosphere. The apotheosis of environmentalism is bourgeoisie 1% elites condescendingly laying the problem at the heels of the common man whilst creating 77% of the world’s carbon emissions, and Burd knows this, which is why he chose to donate all of the singles proceeds to DiCaprio’s Foundation. Allegedly.
But according to an anonymous Medium Insider, that is far from the truth: to get his numerous collaborators involved with the project, Mr. David purportedly took funding from 13 fossil fuel companies, as well as billionaire Koch Brother heir Wyatt. Perhaps best known for his line of dummy thicc Hawaiian shirts, Wyatt Ingraham Koch very much shares the Republican, industrialist robber baron politics of his forefathers. And what better way to get people to align with your side than to paint the other side’s establishment as a completely fucking embarrassing, slightly more hypocritical travesty than your own? It worked with their Chief Classical Liberal, Dave Rubin, it works with those cringey fucking Truth commercials that make you want to smoke yourself into a full body Stage 4 Sarcoma, and Confidential Insider “Syatt Loch” was quick to divulge details regarding how they made it work for this “song”.
“We focus grouped the song in numerous clinical settings, with each participant wearing an experimental prototype EEG rig that measures suicidal, homicidal, and misanthropic ideations down to the brainwave. From there, we meticulously adjusted autotune, joke hackiness, and Millenial Whoop levels to be as fucking insufferable, vapid, and unintelligible as possible. This is a revolutionary, beautiful new production process that I hope more artists will embrace.”
And that hopeful sentiment is certainly true, at least in my personal opinion. I don’t agree with all the neocon stuff, but if we’re a species repugnant enough to inflict all this senseless bigotry, prejudice, rape, murder, enslavement, terrorism, oppression, subjugation, abuse, and abysmal, dogshit fucking music toward one another, music from guys who work with known abusers like Chris Brown, maybe we deserve to be slowly garroted and asphyxiated by our own carbon emissions. Maybe we deserve to have the thawed Arctic Bubonic Plague expunge this planet’s ecosystem of the blubbery, rotting, sentient carcinogenic masses that we are. Maybe the real path to loving our planet Earth is not removing the capitalistic mechanisms that contaminate it, but instead redistributing them all toward one guy so he can splurge them on masturbatory fellatio round trips over his private Boeing 757.
Thank you Lil Dicky, thank you other L.D., and thank you Koch Industries™! Happy (Belated) Earth Day!