Category Archives: loser

REPORT: Lil Dicky’s “Earth” Single Secretly Funded By Koch Family, 13 Oil Companies

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner

Streetwise Suburban White Facebook Rapper Correspondent

 

On April 19th, humanity was blighted by the most unfathomable blight, and assailed by a reflection of it’s visage at it’s ugliest: I am of course talking about the asinine, dogshit ensemble charity “song” by alleged “professional rapper” and “comedian” David “Lil Dicky” Burd, known as “Earth”. Featuring musical cameos from Lil Yachty as HPV, Ariana Grande as a zebra, and Justin Bieber as a baboon going full Goatse gape on his simian hole, the single’s video is a dramatized 7 minute CGI reenactment of Mr. Burd performing fellatio on Leonardo DiCaprio’s vascular, throbbing, fully-erect cock, selflessly guzzling away his milky, viscous cum so it won’t pollute our sacred biosphere. The apotheosis of environmentalism is bourgeoisie 1% elites condescendingly laying the problem at the heels of the common man whilst creating 77% of the world’s carbon emissions, and Burd knows this, which is why he chose to donate all of the singles proceeds to DiCaprio’s Foundation. Allegedly.

 

But according to an anonymous Medium Insider, that is far from the truth: to get his numerous collaborators involved with the project, Mr. David purportedly took funding from 13 fossil fuel companies, as well as billionaire Koch Brother heir Wyatt. Perhaps best known for his line of dummy thicc Hawaiian shirts, Wyatt Ingraham Koch very much shares the Republican, industrialist robber baron politics of his forefathers. And what better way to get people to align with your side than to paint the other side’s establishment as a completely fucking embarrassing, slightly more hypocritical travesty than your own? It worked with their Chief Classical Liberal, Dave Rubin, it works with those cringey fucking Truth commercials that make you want to smoke yourself into a full body Stage 4 Sarcoma, and Confidential Insider “Syatt Loch” was quick to divulge details regarding how they made it work for this “song”.

 

“We focus grouped the song in numerous clinical settings, with each participant wearing an experimental prototype EEG rig that measures suicidal, homicidal, and misanthropic ideations down to the brainwave. From there, we meticulously adjusted autotune, joke hackiness, and Millenial Whoop levels to be as fucking insufferable, vapid, and unintelligible as possible. This is a revolutionary, beautiful new production process that I hope more artists will embrace.”

 

And that hopeful sentiment is certainly true, at least in my personal opinion. I don’t agree with all the neocon stuff, but if we’re a species repugnant enough to inflict all this senseless bigotry, prejudice, rape, murder, enslavement, terrorism, oppression, subjugation, abuse, and abysmal, dogshit fucking music toward one another, music from guys who work with known abusers like Chris Brown, maybe we deserve to be slowly garroted and asphyxiated by our own carbon emissions. Maybe we deserve to have the thawed Arctic Bubonic Plague expunge this planet’s ecosystem of the blubbery, rotting, sentient carcinogenic masses that we are. Maybe the real path to loving our planet Earth is not removing the capitalistic mechanisms that contaminate it, but instead redistributing them all toward one guy so he can splurge them on masturbatory fellatio round trips over his private Boeing 757.

 

Thank you Lil Dicky, thank you other L.D., and thank you Koch Industries™! Happy (Belated) Earth Day!

Review of God’s Not Dead

By Heywood Jablomi

Evangelical Agnostic

 

God’s Not Dead is a 2014 Christian Film produced by PureFlix, and as it’s been a personal favorite of mine for several years, I was very glad when The Medium told me I had to review it for this issue. For those of you who haven’t seen this masterpiece (spoilers ahead), God’s Not Dead, starring Kevin Sorbo, is about an evil atheist who learns to find God in his final hours. This may sound similar to the plot of many other Christian movies, and you’d be right, but God’s Not Dead is different. The evil atheist (played by Kevin Sorbo) is a philosophy professor who firmly believes that God is dead, and requires all his students to renounce God. Most of his class doesn’t really care, except for protagonist Shane Harper.

This was actually kind of confusing for me. When I took a philosophy class my freshman year of college, I expected a lot of the same things to happen. But when I got there, the professor didn’t really seem to care about the beliefs of the students, and he definitely didn’t seem to want to change anyone’s beliefs. It’s almost liked he cared more about teaching students than pushing some kind of agenda. Most classes probably aren’t like that, though. I bet most of them have that atheist professor shown in God’s Not Dead who spend the first couple weeks of class debating a student about their religious beliefs.

This debate also brings up some important philosophical points. The religious student, at one point, says that morality would not exist without God. Being a philosophy professor, you’d think that the atheist would cite any number of other ethical viewpoints. Even if he’s not an ethics professor, he’d probably be fairly well versed in at least a handful of other theories of ethics, but he doesn’t even mention any. And that’s the kind of thing that makes this movie great.

Now I want to talk about some of the side plots. When you watch a Pure Flix movie, you don’t just get one movie, you get like three with all the other stories they throw in here. Reverends Dave and Jude are the best part of the movie, and they don’t even relate to the main story. I’ve been trying to petition Pure Flix to make a sitcom based only on the two of them, you can find it on change.org. There’s also the story between Shane Harper and his girlfriend, who he breaks up with because he cares more about arguing with the professor than their relationship. That’s the kind of morals we need more of in our protagonists. Then there’s also a Muslim girl who finds Christianity and wishes to convert. Instead of exploring this, she’s just rejected by her father. It’s very satisfying to see a movie give such a deep and nuanced portrayal of a group outside of their main audience.

At the end of the movie, Sorbo’s character reveals that he hates God because his mother died as a child. Personally, I’m very glad Pure Flix doesn’t perpetuate the myth that people are ever atheists because of anything other than a traumatic childhood loss. He’s then hit by a car, and bleeds out on the street. The other protagonists of the movie, who all happen to be there, surround him, and convince him to give his heart to God so he can go to heaven. No ambulance is even called, which I’m very grateful for, because seeing him make a full recovery and realizing that he shouldn’t be proselytizing to his students wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying as watching him die a painful death surrounded by strangers.

God’s Not Dead is one of my favorite movie franchises. It’s made for evangelical Christians, and doesn’t waste time being even remotely appealing to anyone else, Christians or otherwise. If you’re evangelical, I cannot recommend this more, and I’ll review the sequels soon.

Why New York City Fucking Sucks

By, Icky Vicky

 

The one question that tormented my adolescent mind was this: Why does Spider-Man only fight crime in New York City? Like, what is so great about this place? After reaching adulthood, I have finally reached an answer. Spider-man doesn’t exclusively fight crime in New York City because it is a great place. He fights there because it is a literal shithole that needs to contract a specialist to help them get their shit together.

New York fucking sucks. It is a terrible city that lays bare all of humanities faults and ugliness. You walk into Penn Station and realize it is a literal Labyrinth. I swear, I was waiting for The Goblin King himself to pop up and twirl his balls around his hands in front of me, every turn I took. It smells like shit and I swear, if you use those bathrooms, you will contract something!

If you find your way outside, you’ll be hit by blinding light, even if it’s nighttime! Those goddamn street lights sear into your retina’s, living you blinded for the inevitable attacks by the beggars, tourists, and the cops. Good luck trying to find your way around as well. Constant blowing of horns and dingy subways.

You might be thinking, “Hey Vicky, you are only talking about Manhattan, there are other boroughs you know.” Well they also suck. Brooklyn is has a terrible case of the gentrification- I swear every other dilapidated building has a froyo shop in between. Queens is discount suburbia- JUST MOVE OUT OF NEW YORK IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE IN A CITY. Staten Island is a literal trash island because that’s all of see of it across the pond from my beautiful, New Jersey town. And The Bronx is disgusting because that is where I was born- how dare you subject the world to this filth you have begotten you ass of a borough.

I DO NOT HEART NEW YORK- put that on a dumb t-shirt!

5 Rules For Driving A Camaro

  1. WASH YOUR ASS!!!

You don’t want your smelly shit stinkin up your brand new 2019 Camaro! What are passengers gonna think when they’re trying to be impressed by your new Camaro?? They’re gonna think, “Jesus Christ!! It smells like used Applebee’s in here!”

 

NEXT

 

  1.  DRINK AND DRIVE

You need to appear as cool as possible to your friendssssss. Drink, drive, smoke spliffs, wear sunglasses! You want to give them ultimate Chevrolet Camaro experience!! Provide Miller High Lifes for every guest.

 

CONTINUING

 

  1. LEAVE THE DOORS AROUSED

Yes you read that right. GET WITH THE PROGRAM

 

MOVING ALONG

 

  1. POUR ONE OUT FOR PAUL WALKER

We need to respect the man of Camaros himself, pour out one entire Miller High Life out of respect. People need to know you’re serious here. You represent all luxury utility vehicle owners and we need to keep it classy!

 

FINALLY

 

  1. GIVE YOUR CHILD THE CAMARO IN YOUR WILL

You gotta pass on the Camaro Legacy!! Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean the spirit of the 2019 Chevrolet Camaro is!! Your kid will love you eternally and actually respect you if you leave your Camaro to them.

 

RESPECT GOD, BUY A CAMARO

Racist Neighborhood Facebook Group Starts Facebook Group To Review Racist Neighborhood Facebook Groups

By Yuri Thrall

MIDDLESEX- You know it, and unless you’re the weird grandparents or pill-addled aunts who the kids are forced to talk to over the holidays, you probably don’t love it. Or maybe you do. Either or, Middlesex Matters has become the go-to hub for suburbanite neighborhood baby boomers who definitely aren’t racist, but just have a thing or two to say about the pant-sagging blacks around the corner. I recently had the displeasure of speaking to one of the head admins of the group, 52 year old mother Brandi-Lynn Gennifer, over some wine.

 

“We don’t HATE ‘em, but just wished they kept to themselves, y’know? Black neighborhood, black residents, black mayor, we get it. Same with the gays and the illegals and the illegal gays. Why can’t they come to our beautiful country LEGALLY like the Europeans did in 1492?”

 

In less than a year, Middlesex Matters has grown to over 3,000 members strong, a safe space for neighborhood individuals to tell it like it is without worrying about “the safe space college liberal Mafioso.”

 

“We’re only saying what we’re all thinking here; it’s okay to be afraid of arbitrary differences in pigment you have no control over. First the hip-hops, then the Mexicans, then the hajis, then the Chinese, like you? Sorry. I can tell you’re one of those orientals I guess. Always mix ‘em up, no offense.”

 

When she wasn’t explaining how she’s not racist because “your people are the ones with the higher IQ,” Gennifer mentioned where she plans to take the group, a watershed milestone for boomer Facebook groups. “We noticed some groups were either too P.C. or weren’t P.C. enough. We’re open minded to Southern Pride, promoting heritage over hate, but the hoods and tiki torches are just a tad over the line. So we figured, why not make a group to review those other groups?”

 

Coming April 15th, Neighborhood Watch Watch will selectively review other neighborhood Facebook groups with incoherently capitalized rants, YouTube journalism citations, and a dog-whistle rating system out of five. “The less whistles and more white space, the better.”

History Major and Poli Sci Major Fight to Death Over Fun Fact

By: Richard Hertz

 

Anyone who has ever taken a History or Political Science class knows that there is usually that one obnoxiously studious individual that can’t wait to throw in their little trivia droppings whenever an opportunity presents itself, sometimes even making their own opportunity to do so. However, sometimes there are two or more of these types of students present in a class, and things can get pretty ugly.

This past Friday afternoon, there was an incident in Van Dyke Hall on College Ave where two of these pretentious poindexters got into an altercation during a politics in the Middle Ages Course. The two students were identified as being Gregaro MacDonald, a third year History major, and Donald White, a second semester Political Science major. The day started out as normal as any other, the professor began to go over the lecture materials and then mentioned the Holy Roman Empire in passing. The HRE was not the topic of discussion and the professor moved on almost immediately, but by just uttering the words Holy Roman Empire two hands sitting on opposite sides of the front row immediately shot up. “I’m not taking any questions at the moment” the professor said. The two students looked at each other across the room and became territorial. The professor tries to move on but the hands will not go down. Things began to escalate as the two start to call out to the professor to call on them. Out of principle the professor ignored them.

Things slowly began to escalate. Feeling threatened, Gregaro MacDonald began to stand so that the professor who clearly had some kind of vision impairment could get a better get a look of his raised hand. At this point Donald White saw this as a declaration of war, and that in the end there could be only one. White ran toward MacDonald and the two began to fight in some of those most brutal, savage, and kind of sad ways that the crowd had ever witnessed. After 17 minutes of brawl, and his opponent lying dead on the floor, Mr. MacDonald stood up in triumph. Covered in blood and barely able to stand, the history major said “Um, Actually the Holy Roman Empire was not holy, Roman, or an empire.” before then collapsing dead on the floor, content in his fate.

Violating Academic Integrity is Fun and Profitable!

By Ada Student

Neeeeeeeeerd

 

Hi!! I’m Ada, and I have no less than fifty academic integrity violations! I specialize in writing papers for other classmates, but I’ve been known to dabble in stealing answer keys and recycling old assignments. Now, you probably know that violating academic integrity is fun and an incredibly helpful victimless crime, but did you know that you can also make money off it? That’s right! Charging desperate students $15 a page for essays they just can’t be bothered to do adds up quick, and before you know it you can be making enough money in a semester to buy textbooks for the next.

Surprised? I was too! A friend of mine who never showed up to lecture and didn’t even had a textbook was worried about his psychology paper, so I offered to do it for him. It was just a bit of fun, I could only submit one paper and couldn’t narrow down my topics so it was nice to be able to do two. To my surprise, he venmo’d me $60 a few days later! It was amazing to see that one of my favorite hobbies (essays) could actually turn a solid profit! From there, I was addicted. I could write all the essays I had time for, and the money couldn’t stop flowing in.

Of course, all this comes at a price: this is technically against the rules. Not the little “teacher rules” where you’ll just get shamed in front of the class and maybe lose points, but me and my clients could all get kicked out of school if we were caught. It’s stupid, I’m just trying to run a business, but if Rutgers gets its big nose involved then I’d be facing some serious disproportionate retribution. To be honest, though… running around, trying to get customers without anyone at Rutgers finding out… that’s part of the fun. And so is the knowledge that if I get taken down, I can take dozens of people with me. This all started as an innocent hobby, then a job, but I like playing a puppetmaster a lot more.