Category Archives: loser

Review of God’s Not Dead

By Heywood Jablomi

Evangelical Agnostic

 

God’s Not Dead is a 2014 Christian Film produced by PureFlix, and as it’s been a personal favorite of mine for several years, I was very glad when The Medium told me I had to review it for this issue. For those of you who haven’t seen this masterpiece (spoilers ahead), God’s Not Dead, starring Kevin Sorbo, is about an evil atheist who learns to find God in his final hours. This may sound similar to the plot of many other Christian movies, and you’d be right, but God’s Not Dead is different. The evil atheist (played by Kevin Sorbo) is a philosophy professor who firmly believes that God is dead, and requires all his students to renounce God. Most of his class doesn’t really care, except for protagonist Shane Harper.

This was actually kind of confusing for me. When I took a philosophy class my freshman year of college, I expected a lot of the same things to happen. But when I got there, the professor didn’t really seem to care about the beliefs of the students, and he definitely didn’t seem to want to change anyone’s beliefs. It’s almost liked he cared more about teaching students than pushing some kind of agenda. Most classes probably aren’t like that, though. I bet most of them have that atheist professor shown in God’s Not Dead who spend the first couple weeks of class debating a student about their religious beliefs.

This debate also brings up some important philosophical points. The religious student, at one point, says that morality would not exist without God. Being a philosophy professor, you’d think that the atheist would cite any number of other ethical viewpoints. Even if he’s not an ethics professor, he’d probably be fairly well versed in at least a handful of other theories of ethics, but he doesn’t even mention any. And that’s the kind of thing that makes this movie great.

Now I want to talk about some of the side plots. When you watch a Pure Flix movie, you don’t just get one movie, you get like three with all the other stories they throw in here. Reverends Dave and Jude are the best part of the movie, and they don’t even relate to the main story. I’ve been trying to petition Pure Flix to make a sitcom based only on the two of them, you can find it on change.org. There’s also the story between Shane Harper and his girlfriend, who he breaks up with because he cares more about arguing with the professor than their relationship. That’s the kind of morals we need more of in our protagonists. Then there’s also a Muslim girl who finds Christianity and wishes to convert. Instead of exploring this, she’s just rejected by her father. It’s very satisfying to see a movie give such a deep and nuanced portrayal of a group outside of their main audience.

At the end of the movie, Sorbo’s character reveals that he hates God because his mother died as a child. Personally, I’m very glad Pure Flix doesn’t perpetuate the myth that people are ever atheists because of anything other than a traumatic childhood loss. He’s then hit by a car, and bleeds out on the street. The other protagonists of the movie, who all happen to be there, surround him, and convince him to give his heart to God so he can go to heaven. No ambulance is even called, which I’m very grateful for, because seeing him make a full recovery and realizing that he shouldn’t be proselytizing to his students wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying as watching him die a painful death surrounded by strangers.

God’s Not Dead is one of my favorite movie franchises. It’s made for evangelical Christians, and doesn’t waste time being even remotely appealing to anyone else, Christians or otherwise. If you’re evangelical, I cannot recommend this more, and I’ll review the sequels soon.

Why New York City Fucking Sucks

By, Icky Vicky

 

The one question that tormented my adolescent mind was this: Why does Spider-Man only fight crime in New York City? Like, what is so great about this place? After reaching adulthood, I have finally reached an answer. Spider-man doesn’t exclusively fight crime in New York City because it is a great place. He fights there because it is a literal shithole that needs to contract a specialist to help them get their shit together.

New York fucking sucks. It is a terrible city that lays bare all of humanities faults and ugliness. You walk into Penn Station and realize it is a literal Labyrinth. I swear, I was waiting for The Goblin King himself to pop up and twirl his balls around his hands in front of me, every turn I took. It smells like shit and I swear, if you use those bathrooms, you will contract something!

If you find your way outside, you’ll be hit by blinding light, even if it’s nighttime! Those goddamn street lights sear into your retina’s, living you blinded for the inevitable attacks by the beggars, tourists, and the cops. Good luck trying to find your way around as well. Constant blowing of horns and dingy subways.

You might be thinking, “Hey Vicky, you are only talking about Manhattan, there are other boroughs you know.” Well they also suck. Brooklyn is has a terrible case of the gentrification- I swear every other dilapidated building has a froyo shop in between. Queens is discount suburbia- JUST MOVE OUT OF NEW YORK IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE IN A CITY. Staten Island is a literal trash island because that’s all of see of it across the pond from my beautiful, New Jersey town. And The Bronx is disgusting because that is where I was born- how dare you subject the world to this filth you have begotten you ass of a borough.

I DO NOT HEART NEW YORK- put that on a dumb t-shirt!

5 Rules For Driving A Camaro

  1. WASH YOUR ASS!!!

You don’t want your smelly shit stinkin up your brand new 2019 Camaro! What are passengers gonna think when they’re trying to be impressed by your new Camaro?? They’re gonna think, “Jesus Christ!! It smells like used Applebee’s in here!”

 

NEXT

 

  1.  DRINK AND DRIVE

You need to appear as cool as possible to your friendssssss. Drink, drive, smoke spliffs, wear sunglasses! You want to give them ultimate Chevrolet Camaro experience!! Provide Miller High Lifes for every guest.

 

CONTINUING

 

  1. LEAVE THE DOORS AROUSED

Yes you read that right. GET WITH THE PROGRAM

 

MOVING ALONG

 

  1. POUR ONE OUT FOR PAUL WALKER

We need to respect the man of Camaros himself, pour out one entire Miller High Life out of respect. People need to know you’re serious here. You represent all luxury utility vehicle owners and we need to keep it classy!

 

FINALLY

 

  1. GIVE YOUR CHILD THE CAMARO IN YOUR WILL

You gotta pass on the Camaro Legacy!! Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean the spirit of the 2019 Chevrolet Camaro is!! Your kid will love you eternally and actually respect you if you leave your Camaro to them.

 

RESPECT GOD, BUY A CAMARO

Racist Neighborhood Facebook Group Starts Facebook Group To Review Racist Neighborhood Facebook Groups

By Yuri Thrall

MIDDLESEX- You know it, and unless you’re the weird grandparents or pill-addled aunts who the kids are forced to talk to over the holidays, you probably don’t love it. Or maybe you do. Either or, Middlesex Matters has become the go-to hub for suburbanite neighborhood baby boomers who definitely aren’t racist, but just have a thing or two to say about the pant-sagging blacks around the corner. I recently had the displeasure of speaking to one of the head admins of the group, 52 year old mother Brandi-Lynn Gennifer, over some wine.

 

“We don’t HATE ‘em, but just wished they kept to themselves, y’know? Black neighborhood, black residents, black mayor, we get it. Same with the gays and the illegals and the illegal gays. Why can’t they come to our beautiful country LEGALLY like the Europeans did in 1492?”

 

In less than a year, Middlesex Matters has grown to over 3,000 members strong, a safe space for neighborhood individuals to tell it like it is without worrying about “the safe space college liberal Mafioso.”

 

“We’re only saying what we’re all thinking here; it’s okay to be afraid of arbitrary differences in pigment you have no control over. First the hip-hops, then the Mexicans, then the hajis, then the Chinese, like you? Sorry. I can tell you’re one of those orientals I guess. Always mix ‘em up, no offense.”

 

When she wasn’t explaining how she’s not racist because “your people are the ones with the higher IQ,” Gennifer mentioned where she plans to take the group, a watershed milestone for boomer Facebook groups. “We noticed some groups were either too P.C. or weren’t P.C. enough. We’re open minded to Southern Pride, promoting heritage over hate, but the hoods and tiki torches are just a tad over the line. So we figured, why not make a group to review those other groups?”

 

Coming April 15th, Neighborhood Watch Watch will selectively review other neighborhood Facebook groups with incoherently capitalized rants, YouTube journalism citations, and a dog-whistle rating system out of five. “The less whistles and more white space, the better.”

History Major and Poli Sci Major Fight to Death Over Fun Fact

By: Richard Hertz

 

Anyone who has ever taken a History or Political Science class knows that there is usually that one obnoxiously studious individual that can’t wait to throw in their little trivia droppings whenever an opportunity presents itself, sometimes even making their own opportunity to do so. However, sometimes there are two or more of these types of students present in a class, and things can get pretty ugly.

This past Friday afternoon, there was an incident in Van Dyke Hall on College Ave where two of these pretentious poindexters got into an altercation during a politics in the Middle Ages Course. The two students were identified as being Gregaro MacDonald, a third year History major, and Donald White, a second semester Political Science major. The day started out as normal as any other, the professor began to go over the lecture materials and then mentioned the Holy Roman Empire in passing. The HRE was not the topic of discussion and the professor moved on almost immediately, but by just uttering the words Holy Roman Empire two hands sitting on opposite sides of the front row immediately shot up. “I’m not taking any questions at the moment” the professor said. The two students looked at each other across the room and became territorial. The professor tries to move on but the hands will not go down. Things began to escalate as the two start to call out to the professor to call on them. Out of principle the professor ignored them.

Things slowly began to escalate. Feeling threatened, Gregaro MacDonald began to stand so that the professor who clearly had some kind of vision impairment could get a better get a look of his raised hand. At this point Donald White saw this as a declaration of war, and that in the end there could be only one. White ran toward MacDonald and the two began to fight in some of those most brutal, savage, and kind of sad ways that the crowd had ever witnessed. After 17 minutes of brawl, and his opponent lying dead on the floor, Mr. MacDonald stood up in triumph. Covered in blood and barely able to stand, the history major said “Um, Actually the Holy Roman Empire was not holy, Roman, or an empire.” before then collapsing dead on the floor, content in his fate.

Violating Academic Integrity is Fun and Profitable!

By Ada Student

Neeeeeeeeerd

 

Hi!! I’m Ada, and I have no less than fifty academic integrity violations! I specialize in writing papers for other classmates, but I’ve been known to dabble in stealing answer keys and recycling old assignments. Now, you probably know that violating academic integrity is fun and an incredibly helpful victimless crime, but did you know that you can also make money off it? That’s right! Charging desperate students $15 a page for essays they just can’t be bothered to do adds up quick, and before you know it you can be making enough money in a semester to buy textbooks for the next.

Surprised? I was too! A friend of mine who never showed up to lecture and didn’t even had a textbook was worried about his psychology paper, so I offered to do it for him. It was just a bit of fun, I could only submit one paper and couldn’t narrow down my topics so it was nice to be able to do two. To my surprise, he venmo’d me $60 a few days later! It was amazing to see that one of my favorite hobbies (essays) could actually turn a solid profit! From there, I was addicted. I could write all the essays I had time for, and the money couldn’t stop flowing in.

Of course, all this comes at a price: this is technically against the rules. Not the little “teacher rules” where you’ll just get shamed in front of the class and maybe lose points, but me and my clients could all get kicked out of school if we were caught. It’s stupid, I’m just trying to run a business, but if Rutgers gets its big nose involved then I’d be facing some serious disproportionate retribution. To be honest, though… running around, trying to get customers without anyone at Rutgers finding out… that’s part of the fun. And so is the knowledge that if I get taken down, I can take dozens of people with me. This all started as an innocent hobby, then a job, but I like playing a puppetmaster a lot more.

Rutgers Student Throws off Phone-Hunting Teachers by Staring at His Crotch the Whole Class

By, Wolfgang Amadeus Fuck

 

“They’ll never catch me alive!”

This is the mantra of one Rutgers student, who believes that he has successfully gamed the system. While Rutgers is not a high school–or at least claims to provide higher education– Professors and TAs have their eyes out for any bored student skimming the latest chapter of Sword Art Online on their mobile devices. Like a majestic jaguar waiting to pounce on their prey, they are waiting to catch you in the act and start cutting you down– or at least cut down your participation points. This is where our brave little Rutgers Rebel comes in, with his high stakes, adrenaline rush of a plan to trick professors at their own games.

“Yeah, I just stare at my dick all class. That’s really it,” explains the Rebel, “Sometimes a professor will call me out and go, ‘no one just stares at their crotch all class. Get off your phone.’ Then I just say I’m staring at my dick. Pretty simple, so if you can excuse me, I’m going to go back to staring at my dick”

What a modest, silent type. The silent protagonist of everyone video game ever made. A regular James Dean: rebel without a cause. The lone warrior against the army of lowly paid educators. An inspiration to those who have short attention spans, a guru to those who can’t stop playing that cookie clicker game, a messiah for voyeurists who can’t stop staring at their own genitals. His form of silent protest both disrupts the status quo and makes those in charge look like the fools they are. He does what he can to fight the good fight so that you and I can continue not getting the education we paid for. God Bless that dick-staring Rebel, that goddamn maverick of a man.