Category Archives: Volume LIV Issue XIII

Local Fool Rich Enough to go Somewhere Warm Goes Skiing Instead

By Throb Lowe
Allergic to Latex

WASHINGTON—Local lunatic Brock McDonald hit the slopes this weekend despite earning a high enough annual income to travel somewhere warm.

McDonald, a 27-year-old Rutgers graduate and software engineer, reported to his friends on Facebook that he would be taking a week off from work to “shred some powder” at a family cabin in New Hampshire. His decision left friends baffled.

Friends of McDonald stated that he began packing for the excursion a week in advance, and has already spent over $800 on a board and goggles alone. That much money could also be used to book an economy class flight for one across the country, or be spent on a balls-to-the-wall week in Cancun.

McDonald’s leave from work has been planned for the second week in January, when temperatures in New Hampshire regularly drop to below zero. Meteorologists at University of New Hampshire in Durham predict that snowfall will increase by then after a late start to the winter.

“When I asked where he was going for vacation and he told me up North to ski, I thought he was kidding” said McDonald’s boss, Randy Shartner, at the software development company he works for. “I just can’t put together why he’d go somewhere cold for a winter vacation. We just gave the guy a bonus fit for a luxury cruise like a month ago.”

At press time, McDonald was spotted at a local sporting goods store buying a $578 pair of professional quality snow pants and customized carbon fiber ski poles instead of spending his money on being warm and comfortable.

He was last spotted purchasing carbon fiber ski poles and a $578 pair of professional grade snow pants at a local sporting goods store.

Fruits Ranked from Most to Least Fuckable

#30- Small fruits: Automatic disqualification for fruits smaller than your dick. Which I suppose might be smaller than average assuming you’re desperate enough to fuck a fruit.
Honorable Mention- Bananas: While you can’t put your dick in it, you can put it up your ass, and in some cases that’s almost as good. Also an honorable mention because bananas are actually berries (not that that’ll stop me from putting anything on this godforsaken listicle)
#26- Durian: Literally the worst. Spiky, smelly, and what the fuck is all that shit on the inside? Stay the fuck away.
#25- Pineapple: Spiky and its juices will digest your dick. Seriously, stay away from the demon fruit unless you’re incredibly masochistic.
#24- Jackfruit: Same problems as the durian, it’s spiky and got a weird inside.
#23- Custard Apple: I’ve never seen this before, but it looks similar to a durian, just less spiky on the inside. I think this ranks as “unusable”, but if anyone wants to give it a try, be my guest.
#22- Passion fruit: Your dick probably wouldn’t fit in here and even so the texture’s probably pretty weird. It only makes the list so I could make a pun about the word “passion”.
#21- Avocados: These things are technically fruits, but just barely. This fucking thing wouldn’t even work, you’ve gotta cut it open to get the seed out and at that point it’s already worthless. Just keep your sweaty dick out of this one and ask your mom to make some guac out of it. Apricots have the same problem, just don’t bother.
#20- Carambola: What the fuck is a carambola? Honestly, this might be worse than an avocado because of its weird shape, I’m just putting it up here because at least I know avocados and I can’t be fucked to rewrite anything. Just like you can’t be fucked by a normal human being, fruit freak. Actually, lump cherimoyas in here too, I don’t know what it is but it’s probably terrible.
#19- Pomegranate: This is literally just a giant seed pod. Maybe you could get some pleasure out of the friction? Probably not.
#18- Papaya: Their skin’s a little thicker than pomegranates, so it might be alright if you’ve got a micropenis. Of course, everything else below is probably better in every respect, so just make a smoothie or something out of the papaya and try to control your depraved urges
#17- Nectarine: Texture’s probably on par with melons if you microwave them, but it also has that giant seed inside, don’t even bother.
#16- Plum: Goddamn, what is with all these fruits having giant pits in the middle?
#15- Peach: Has the same problem as the nectarine and plum. It only outranks it because of the connotations attached to peaches.
#14- Coconuts: Big enough, but it’s got a weird texture and it’s also hollow.
#13- Apples. This one’s not great, it’s small and the flesh is incredibly hard. Just eat it, maybe do something healthy for once.
#12- Pear: Pretty much the same as an apple, except it looks like a ballsack. Mentally rearrange the two if that’s not what you’re into.
#11- Breadfruit: Again, I don’t know what the fuck this is. I’m just assuming it’s better than an apple.
#10- Figs: I have actually never eaten a fig before. It’s probably not much better than an apple, but it’s probably not worse either. I’d tell you to contact me if you try this out and determine an actual, experimental order, but chances are I don’t want to know you if you’re the kind of person who does this.
#9- Orange: So you could probably microwave this and cut a hole in it and fuck that? I’m not sure exactly how well it would work what with the slices and all, I’d just recommend eating an orange instead of trying to fuck it. Actually, I’d recommend eating any of these, but that’s not what you’re here for. You sick fuck.
#8- Kiwi: Skin might be a bit uncomfortable, but the texture probably feels alright. Of course, far superior to fucking a fruit would be fucking a New Zealander, but there’s no way a kiwi that isn’t a literal fruit would let you within 100 meters.
#7- Pummelo: Again, I don’t know what this is, it kind of looks like a colorblind kid tried to color in a picture of an orange. It’s decently sized though, so it’s probably alright.
#6- Mango: A bit small, but probably won’t be a problem. I’ve never microwaved one of these so I don’t know how that affects the texture, but it probably has a similar feeling as some more standard fruits. If  you’re too cheap to buy a melon, a mango is probably fine.
#5- Cantaloupe: I’m sure you can’t elope if you’re trying to figure out what fruit to fuck. Seriously, just use your hand like a goddamn normal person, freak.
#4- Honeydew Melon: Probably about the same as the cantaloupe, but it’s green so that automatically puts it on top.
#3- Watermelon: Has anyone tried to fuck a watermelon ever? It would be hard to microwave, but if you’re reading, you might be able to become the first person to fuck a watermelon.
#2- Grapefruits: Old reliable. I assume most of you reading this have already tried this, but it’s a classic and I couldn’t justify not putting it all the way at #2.
#1- Elton John

Escaping from Prison is Way Easier than Escaping from an Arranged Marriage

By Nahil Akbar

Man, I’d never thought I could do it, but I was able to escape the state penitentiary in Trenton. I couldn’t believe just how easy it was. Our prison guard was out for the day so we had our substitute cop in. What was even better is that it was donut day at the cafeteria. I stuffed a whole box in my pants and when it was time for the daily routine checks, it was my time to shine. When the cop came to my cell, he fainted from the aroma of my ball sweat covered donuts. Then, I reached for his keys, took his clothes, and walked my way to freedom. Too easy. Even skipping physical education class back during my school days was more of a challenge than this. Hell, this was even easier than escaping my former arranged marriage. I kept telling my parents I didn’t want to marry and I’d rather just live my life as a crappy fiction writer. They weren’t having it. They kept saying words like dishonor, family, doctor, and disappointment. I honestly didn’t care. Nor did I care about the girl they were trying to arrange me with. As I resisted every attempt from my parents trying to get me married, I unintentionally created Family Politics War episode 2434. The episode finally ended when I decided to rob my family’s own convenience store, so I could be sent to prison. Only then did I finally escape the nightmare. While I may have lost 6 months of my life in the slammer, I in return saved myself many years of misery from my parents asking when my children would become doctors and eternity of being married to a woman I didn’t love.

Dumbass Kid Talks About Explosions in Airport

By Mel Nora
Half on Fire

NEW YORK— On Dec. 12, at J.F.K airport, 15-year-old David Bellrose tried explaining a hydrogen bomb to a 62 year old TSA employee, Tim. Bellrose wanted to tell Tim about how explosions happen.

“It, it, it goes up into the sky and then it it goes all the way up into the sky and it it it um it and so it all the way it goes up into the sky. And then it goes boooooom and everybody goes to jail.”

Apparently this isn’t the first time Bellrose has been caught speaking to airport employees about subjects that are very much not appropriate for that setting, including terrorism and sneaking in water bottles that are over 40 fluid ounces.

The TSA employee seemed to not be listening to a word the kid was saying until he saw his supervisor. Tim then started asking Bellrose, “Have you ever seen an explosion like that? Do you want to see an explosion that big? Are you planning on releasing an explosion today sir?”

Bellrose started nodding his head and smiling in the affirmative. Bellrose is now detained in a TSA holding cell while ringing his hands and telling a story about the atom bomb to no-one.

Although Unsurprised, Man Still Disappointed After Discovering you don’t get 8 Nights of Presents

By Sue De Nim
Kosher American

BROOKLYN — Tonight is the second night of eight days of Hanukkah, which is the Jewish festival of lights. The holiday consists of lighting the menorah, eating latkes, and of course, giving presents to friends, family, and loved ones. Local non-Jew, Christian Johnson is experiencing the holiday for the first time this year with girlfriend Sarah Goldstein, and admits that he is just a little bit disappointed that the holiday isn’t all it’s hyped up to be. After dating for a year and a half, Johnson decided that he wanted to go to Goldstein’s family for the holidays to get the full Jewish experience.

“I was super stoked because I knew that the holiday lasted eight days, so I’m thinking, I’m probably about to get eight sick presents,” said Johnson. The Goldsteins started off the night with the candle lighting, in which Johnson mumbled the tune pretending to know a lick of Hebrew, throwing in some hail mary’s and hallelujahs. After the meal, which included an awkward conversation about the couple’s kids being raised as goyim, they moved on to the highlight of the night-the gift giving. “I was all excited for the first night of gifts, especially after that stupid stuff we did before that. I got Sarah a sweet new phone case and said ‘Just wait ’til you see what I got you for the eighth night’, but she just looked confused and said ‘What are you talking about?’ That’s when it clicked that I spent money on seven extra presents.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very appreciative of the gift. I mean, who doesn’t love a new pair of socks with dreidels on them? I just assumed there would be more. Now it just seems like it’s lame Christmas.”

Johnson was last seen shedding a single tear, clutching his new socks, and whispering to himself self motivating phrases, telling himself that he’s worth “100 days of presents”.