Pornhub Sidebar Ads To Be Adapted Into Full Fledged Cinematic Universe

By Manuel C. Hode

In the wake of comic book icon Stan Lee’s recent passing, it seems that pornographic corporate titan MindGeek is setting their sights on competing with mega-corporate corporate titan Disney’s Marvel Cinematic Universe, with their own Pornhub Sidebar Advert Cinematic Universe.

In their first phase, the P.S.A.C.U. is striving to break new ground as the first ever all NC-17 cinematic universe with the “biggest, most well endowed ensemble ever brought to a cinematic universe” per their spokesman. The inaugural film in the franchise will be a 90 minute buddy comedy focusing on the heartfelt relationship between Percy Quin (Jack McBrayer) and Chad Steele (voiced by Sam Elliot), an engorged, perpetually-erect anthropomorphic penis.

Quin has spent most of his life as a lonely, virginal beta male, but within two short weeks of taking unsolicited mail-order pills that aren’t F.D.A. verified, Chad enters his life with six extra inches and an extra set of agonizingly painful urethral teeth.

Following Quin’s subsequent O.D., the next few installments are slated to concern the psychedelic, hallucinatory sexual exploits of fictional cartoon characters as he gradually slides into cardiac arrest and brain death. Upon sending their children to summer camp, the Griffins, Simpsons, Browns, and the entire collective hentai waifu/tentacle monster populace all indulge in a week of sexy, scuzzy, nubile, orgiastic, and kinky fun that no one asked to see. Also, Lara Croft will be there in a milestone TOTALLY INTERACTIVE cameo segment, enjoying a hot anal plowing from behind with a random cartoonishly endowed World Of Warcraft orc for some fucking reason.

As Quin slips further and further into the oblivion of the empty void we will all return to, so does the Cartoon Realm, into a boundless hellscape rife with both all the hot singles in your area, and intrusive drones begging them to subscribe to Pornhub Premium. The warring factions will come head to head in a 4D three hour ensemble epic, flooding theaters nationwide with the thickest of ropes.

ALL the hot singles from Quin’s life shall flash before his subconscious; all the single classmates, all the single teachers, all the single stepmoms, step grandmas, and step sisters whom conveniently aren’t blood related whatsoever.

Finally, when the last vestige of DMT transcends his pineal gland, he too will transcend the echelon of the Ad Realm, and close out Phase 1 in a riveting two hour feature adaptation of Spike Jonze’s iconic Pornhub Award music video for “I Love It”. Led by their towering colossus oracle Adele Givens, Kanye West and Lil Pump will guide Percy down the opulent pearly hallway toward the Unknown, confronting profound existential questions in a poignant, meditative character study. Shall we drink from the three divine flasks of lean, sparkling, and still water in the end? Or are we all simply damned to be fucking hoes, slaving away on a desolate rock, castigating ourselves for every failure and torment, imprisoned in husks of rotting flesh and bone from morning through bed? Slowly witnessing every fiber of your being prostrated out of you until there is nothing left? Accumulating a wellspring of boundless misery, every trace to be utterly expunged by our Sun’s boundless flame, an unparalleled hotness the likes of which may rival Asa Akira? Jacking off alone into the abyss, acquiescent to the whims of nature, entropy, tedium, all of your sanguine physical and psychological scars lain bare before you until you return toward the ash, dust, and congealed jizm from which you’ve came?

We would report more leaked spoilers for the upcoming franchise, but unfortunately the last few pages of our insider’s alleged screenplay copy were found stuck together.

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