BARCHI MAKES IT RAIN ON STUDENT DEBT

Volume XLIX Issue I

BY BOX CUTTER: NEWS EDITOR

“MAKE IT RAIN”
President Barchi loosens up at the impromptu celebration

NEW BRUNSWICK— Attention to all Rutgers students! President Barchi met with members of the University Senate yesterday morning and spontaneously decided that Rutgers University would be the first institution to alleviate student debt. Hundreds of students gathered in front of Brower Commons on slushy Tuesday afternoon to celebrate the news. One of the students explained through tears: “I don’t have to pay for beauty school after I graduate so that I can get a secure job to pay for my student debt. I can start with a clean slate and a social science degree!” A fraternity in attendance at the celebration invited everyone for a study session on Saturday.

President Barchi added that “Young people should not pay thousands and thousands of dollars for education!” On answering our question about where the money is going to come from, the president responded, “I learned that I have a recently deceased relative in Nigeria who had chosen me to receive their entire life’s savings. I thought to myself, I really don’t need this money, let me pass it on to the students, and so here I am!”

We asked our educational analyst Simi Longbottom how we got here: “Well, the national student debt has reached the $1 trillion ceiling. Students kept taking credits they can’t pay back and majors they can’t find jobs with. You have to be an idiot not to realize this shit is going to blow up.” Fortunately, Rutgers students do not have to worry about that anymore.

In lieu of the usual Monday night Crime Alert, all students received a 4 year financial survey and were asked to upload their credit card information and social security number. President Barchi assures students that this definitely not a scam and that he just needs this information to facilitate the money transfer from Nigeria into the United States.

Which Starter Should You Choose?

Volume XLVIII Issue X

BY DR. TOSSED SALAD: OPINIONS EDITOR

It’s a new semester, which means that you will be starting another Pokémon game to distract yourself from your problems. Now you just need to decide which starter you will pick. You’re in luck! The Medium has all the advice you need when picking your next starter for: Pokémon FireRed.

Bulbasaur: Yeah I guess Bulbasaur would be a good choice. But then again it is about to be winter. Do plants do well in winter? No not really. They tend to lose all their leaves and go into hibernation when it starts to get cold. So since you’re starting this game in the winter it might not be the best idea. Also his bulb looks like a pussy so do you really want to deal with that?

Squirtle: So maybe you will go with Squirtle? Well think again. Squirtle is a type of turtle and our research is that turtles—mostly tortoises—are actually starting to go extinct. That means that they are not doing well in this world. Also, a tortoise raped my father so I do not trust them one bit!

Charmander: So last but not least we have Charmander. He’s fire and fire is power. Man was able to come out of the caves when he discovered fire. And Charizard is also pretty fucking badass. But really let’s break this down: the Earth is 70% water, which means you’re gonna be running into some watery bastards eventually. Water kills fire every single time. We can’t take that chance of Charmander getting hurt. Also, that bastard Gary will just pick Squirtle once you pick Charmander so yeah, no dice.

SO JUST WHICH POKEMON SHOULD YOU GO WITH?

Rattata: So yeah how about you challenge yourself for a change. You’ve beaten this game how many times? And everytime you used a starter so don’t this time! Pick one and release that shit! Release it so all Pokémon know you’re the motherfucking boss. And at level 20 Rattata evolves into Raticate. And this dude who picks up chicks on the bus loves Raticate. So there you go, stop complaining.

UNIVERSITY VOICES

Volume XLVIII Issue XI

Each week The Medium asks random people at Rutgers University a question about Pop Culture, Politics, or life in general.

Team Profile: The Eagles

Volume XLVIII Issue VIII

BY SAWYER: NEWS EDITOR

This week The Medium takes a look at the future of the Philadelphia Eagles.

TEAM MANAGER: Irving Azoff

STAR PLAYERS: Glenn Frey, Don Henley, Joe Walsh

STARTING LINEUP: Desperado, Tequila Sunrise, Hotel California, Lying Eyes

TEAM HISTORY: Got rid of some of the bad blood a few years ago between teammates Frey and Felder when Felder did not renew his contract.

MY IMPRESSION: I’ve been a fan since the first time I saw them play. Dad took me to the arena and I’ve enjoyed all of their hits ever since.

Construction on Douglass Decried as Sexist

Volume XLVIII Issue VIII

BY ANIME HAIR: NEWS EDITOR

“LET’S HIRE THE ARCHITECT OF QATAR’S SOCCER STADIUM”
Penis-shaped buildings are being erected way to often.

NEW BRUNSWICK—The on­going construction efforts on Douglass Campus have been halted due to ongoing protests by the feminist community.

”Women have a hard enough time as is being bar­raged with phallic objects in our society” said spokeswoman Lori Burham, a second year Feminist Theory major explaining the issue.

“Douglass campus is mostly made up of low to the ground buildings surrounded by plenty of bushes,” Burham continued. “But new construction is given rise to taller and more penis-like buildings than Douglass resi­dents are comfortable with.”

Protesters say that they are fearful that male students will take the new tall structures as a sign to start “taking their man-identifying penises out of their pants and start raping every­one.”

Alternative structures are being presented. “We were thinking some sort of court­yard, or other hollow box-like structure,” says Betty Dottry 22. “Even a large well would be great.”

But a counter-protest is al­ready gaining ground from local Men’s Rights Activist groups. As one member, Doug Pember­ly, 21, says, “For too long this Women’s College has been en­croached by buildings which ca­ter to the female gender. It’s time to give the men a chance.”

Steps have already been tak­en by the feminist protest groups to halt any further addition to the height of any buildings. Five online petitions are reportedly already circulating Tumblr, and there is word that the group is selling menstrual cup cozies on Etsy to raise funds.

SUCH FEELS FOR THIS GIRL

Volume XLVIII Issue X

BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS: ARTS EDITOR

USELESS REVIEW: The Internet

Volume XLVIII Issue X

The other day a friend of mine told me about this thing called the “internet.” She showed me some pictuers of cats, so I guess that was cool, but like, everywhere I looked there were dicks. Like, literally and figuratively, just dicks as far as the eye can see. Someone once told me to cut off my own foreskin, tie it into a noose, drink a gallon of bleach and then hang myself with it while he fucked my mother, sister, and grandmother. My grand­mother is dead, so that was particularly upsetting. But then I went back to the cat videos, so I guess it got better from there.

Overall I’d rate the internet:

There was some good stuff and some bad stuff. Also stuff that made me question humanity. And myself. And who my mother is having sex with.

5 Ways to Annoy People

Volume XLVIII Issue X

BY THE HEN HEN MAN: LIKES TACOS, HATES BURRITOS

1) Tell everyone next to you that you have Ebola when embarking on a packed bus.

2) Ask every girl on Douglass campus what their preferred gender pronoun is then proceed to ask them if they are lesbian.

3) Yell “IS THIS GOING TO BE ON THE EXAM?” whenever your professor finishes a sentence during the lecture.

4) Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go” and that you don’t want cheese in your cheese burger.

5) Ask your 1-800 operator where they are call­ing from and then follow up by telling them you’re also from the same city and then ask him or her for a date.

City Renamed, Now Called “Ew Brunswick”

Volume XLVIII Issue X

BY QUEEN KAY: COPY EDITOR

“THE TRAIN NO LONGER STOPS IN EW BRUNSWICK. ‘CUZ EW.”
Photo credit: Ace photographer and Superman’s pal, Jimmy Olsen

EW BRUNSWICK—In a not-so-shocking move by city officials this week, New Brunswick’s name was legally changed to Ew Brunswick.

“I’m not surprised by this at all,” said city resident Clark Robles. “I mean…if Jimmy Fal­lon visited this place, I bet all he would have to say is ‘#ew.’”

Residents have been noting the unattractiveness and down­right filth present in the former New Brunswick for years now.

“This girl threw up on my shoe outside Olde Queens be­fore a football game once,” said Rutgers student Barry Brown. “I came back a week later and there were still some leftover crusty vomit flakes on the side­walk.”

The New Brunswick Train Station was the first establish­ment in the area to implement the name change. Workers there rather crudely crossed out the N rather crudely crossed out the N on the station sign welcom­ing passengers to our gross town.

“I feel much better know­ing that this city acknowledges its dirtiness problem,” said visi­tor and socialite Victoria Wil­liams. “The poor little hobos are getting the recognition they deserve, and that’s really all that matters.”

The officials of Ew Bruns­wick have no plans to change the city’s name back to New Bruns­wick as of yet. They’re waiting for Brower to either burn down or be demolished before that can happen.

I Can’t Find My Classroom

Volume XLVIII Issue X

BY SOME STUPID FRESHMAN

H-hello? I… I can’t find my classroom. I’m looking for Scott Hall 137. For… I…. I can’t remember what class it was. I’ve been looking for so long now. Scouring this campus for months. But I can’t find it. And I don’t want to ask anyone because I don’t want to look like a stupid freshman who doesn’t know anything.

But… I don’t know anymore. I can’t quit, I haven’t slept or stopped looking. I’ve been reduced to eating squirrels that cross my path to nourish my endless quest. I… I miss my family. I think my friends worry about me, but my phone’s been dead. I once saw a helicoptor fly overhead. I think it was looking for me, but I needed to find my class. Nothing matters anymore. I’m doomed to walk eternally, lost, desperately searching for a building that doesn’t exist.

Wait… what did you say? College Ave? No.. No… Scott Hall is on Busch. Right. Right? You… You can’t be serious. After all this time, you can’t be telling me that I’ve been on the wrong campus this whole time. But then… all those people I killed. I’ve done terrible things. And my grades. What will I do? No. I mustn’t think of it. All I can do now is get on a bus and finally reach the promised land. I need a C, right? I’ll… I’ll be going now.