Rutgers to Decrease Student Funds Allocated for Printing

BY Andrew Blustein
Managing Editor

After holding an emergency meeting last Thursday, the Rutgers Board of Governors lowered the printing allowance from $30 to $10.

According to a source close to the situation, the University is in cost-cutting mode.
“Rutgers University is in great standing,” said Nancy Winterbauer, Rutgers’ vice president for university budgeting. “Frankly, $30 was overly generous. Students will be able to make do with less, and the money the University is saving will only benefit the students in the long run.”
There has yet to be any indication as to where the money will be diverted, but students do not seem to see the benefit.

“I’m a civil engineering major,” said junior Steven Hernandez. “I print so much. I wind up spending like $15 a semester, and a lot of the time I print in color. How is this supposed to help me? And where is the money going? You know Rutgers isn’t going to do anything with it, and if they do, they’ll do it like 10 years after I graduate.”

This printing allowance decrease follows a June decision by the Board of Governors to hike tuition by 1.7 percent for the 2016-17 school year.

According to reports, the University will be funneling the money it saves to outside interests. A source, who requested to remain anonymous, recently shined light on why Rutgers is diverting so much money away from students.

“We’ve tried for so long to keep them off our backs, but we just can’t do it anymore,” said the source. “The EPA is all over us. They’re squeezing us for money, man. They’ve made so many threats. First they demanded us to put solar panels in that lot on Livingston. Then we managed to keep them at bay for years, but they’re bearing down on us now. All of us here are scared for our lives.”

Allegedly, the Environmental Protection Agency has been threatening to let savage, rabid bobcats loose across campus, as the agency apparently claims the University has contributed to the animal’s loss of habitat.

The bobcats apparently have a taste for human flesh, and would wipe out 10,000 students in less than a week.

“They need money man,” said the source. “We can’t keep them away any longer. We have to pay them or else we’ll all be eaten by bobcats. And it had to be printing money because they say we’re destroying the rain forests. If we took the money from somewhere else, they would’ve let poisonous Amazonian snakes loose all around campus. These EPA guys are fucking crazy, man. Fucking crazy!”

According to the source, the EPA is pressuring the University in an effort to raise money as they face massive budget cuts, and possible extinction, under a Trump regime.

“It’s all Trump’s fault, man,” said the source. “If he just let the EPA be, then we wouldn’t have to worry about all these fucking bobcats. Wait. Shhh! Did you hear that? Oh god. It’s in my house. OH GOD! OWWW! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

RUWireless Server Attacks Credited to Lack of Funding

BY Da Mayor
Venerable Homeless Man

From VP to VIP
Underwhelmed by his wages, it is believed that Smith has embezzled millions.

NEW BRUNSWICK — This Monday, Rutgers experienced yet another massive network failure due to a series of Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) attacks. In the last year, Rutgers has been attacked by the same party five times. President Barchi and the Office of Information Technology are working diligently to inform students that they will remain as apathetic as is humanly possible during the attacks.

The attacks have left RUWireless down for almost the entirety of Monday. Don Smith, vice-president of Rutgers’ Office of Information Technology, commented on the incident. In an email to the students and faculty, Smith wrote, “Yeah, we literally have no idea what we’re doing. We’re working on it as hard as we can, but also that’s not even very hard, so you never know. You win some, you lose some.” The email does a great job of making it explicitly clear that the OIT has no power to do anything about the attacks, despite the fancy new security investment.

This is just another example of a long string of attacks. The university invested $3 million over the summer in cyber security, which was cited as the main reason for a 2.3% tuition hike this year. President Barchi spoke out to address the concerns of excessive spending for no apparent reason. “We thought $3 million would be enough, but clearly it hasn’t done anything. We’re looking at another tuition hike for next year to combat the problem. Since cybersecurity is clearly a dead end, we’re probably just going to give the bulk of the next tuition hike to the football team to see if that helps.”

Some students remain skeptical that giving more money to the football team will improve the quality of RUWireless, but OIT and President Barchi insist that they have completely run out of other ideas.

An accountant for Rutgers’ OIT department, who wishes to remain anonymous, agreed to talk to the Medium about the spending.

“Honestly, I don’t even look at the books so I’m not entirely sure where the money went… some of it’s probably in some Swiss bank account, but I do know Donny bought his daughter three jet skis for her Sweet Sixteen last month. I’m sure at least four or five hundred dollars went to cybersecurity.”
While what actually happened to all of the extra money that we gave to OIT is a mystery, the only thing that Don Smith has confirmed is that it’s not going to get better.”

It’s Good to be the President

BY Sawyer

How is President Robert Barchi spending his summer? Here is an artists’ rendition.

President Robert Barchi after passing the latest tuition hike.

BARCHI MAKES IT RAIN ON STUDENT DEBT

Volume XLIX Issue I

BY BOX CUTTER: NEWS EDITOR

“MAKE IT RAIN”
President Barchi loosens up at the impromptu celebration

NEW BRUNSWICK— Attention to all Rutgers students! President Barchi met with members of the University Senate yesterday morning and spontaneously decided that Rutgers University would be the first institution to alleviate student debt. Hundreds of students gathered in front of Brower Commons on slushy Tuesday afternoon to celebrate the news. One of the students explained through tears: “I don’t have to pay for beauty school after I graduate so that I can get a secure job to pay for my student debt. I can start with a clean slate and a social science degree!” A fraternity in attendance at the celebration invited everyone for a study session on Saturday.

President Barchi added that “Young people should not pay thousands and thousands of dollars for education!” On answering our question about where the money is going to come from, the president responded, “I learned that I have a recently deceased relative in Nigeria who had chosen me to receive their entire life’s savings. I thought to myself, I really don’t need this money, let me pass it on to the students, and so here I am!”

We asked our educational analyst Simi Longbottom how we got here: “Well, the national student debt has reached the $1 trillion ceiling. Students kept taking credits they can’t pay back and majors they can’t find jobs with. You have to be an idiot not to realize this shit is going to blow up.” Fortunately, Rutgers students do not have to worry about that anymore.

In lieu of the usual Monday night Crime Alert, all students received a 4 year financial survey and were asked to upload their credit card information and social security number. President Barchi assures students that this definitely not a scam and that he just needs this information to facilitate the money transfer from Nigeria into the United States.