Tag Archives: summer

Man With Crippling Sunflower Seed Allergy Makes Baseball Team

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Underground Failure

FREEHOLD, NJ — Calling it a dream come true, 15-year-old Jessie Holdermann overcame his crippling sunflower seed allergy to make the Freehold Township Travel Summer League B Team.

Holdermann had not played team baseball since 2004, when his allergy was first discovered.

“We first realized he was allergic when he nearly passed out in left field,” said his mother, Annie. “We thought he fell down after chasing around a butterfly, but it turned out he was eating sunflower seeds while playing. Who knew you were allowed to eat a snack mid-game?”

SAFE FOR NOW Jessie thinks he won’t break out in hives in about five minutes.

Since, Holdermann had only practiced with his father in backyards and batting cages, fearing any accidental contact with any combination of salted, unsalted or ranch flavored sunflower seeds.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire life,” a semi-intelligible Holdermann is assumed to have said in the dugout, as the dusting of sunflower seed shells coating the floor caused his cheeks and tongue to swell. “Making the Travel Summer League B Team is a big accomplishment. We get to showcase our skills in towns like Colts Neck and Wall, and I get to do it with a great group of guys around me, who still enjoy eating sunflower seeds all game.”

The season begins on June 15, but practices have already begun, giving the rest of the team a chance to get comfortable with Holdermann’s allergy.

“In no other sport are you eating something all game,” continued Holdermann. “I don’t really understand why we do it in baseball, but it’s part of the game. Baseball has a rich history, so who am I to interfere with it. If all it takes for me to play the game I love is to suffer in pain and struggle to breathe, than that’s fine with me.”

David Sunflower Seeds has yet to comment on the situation, but as of now the company is still supplying its product.

University Professor Taking a Big Risk Wearing Those Fucking Crocs

BY Grind All

NEW BRUNSWICK- This past Friday New Jersey saw some of the best weather it has seen in months. With temperatures reaching the mid 70s, Rutgers saw students and faculty breaking out their summer wardrobe. In particular, biology professor Martha Moore was seen sporting a pair of bright orange crocs. This bold choice rocked Busch Campus, causing outcries of “what are those” to erupt during class as well as general shock amongst colleagues of Moore. crocks.png

“I knew Martha had a wild side to her but I didn’t know it was like this!” exclaimed fellow biologist Carla Mooney.

Upon revealing her crocs, rumors began to spread that Moore wears her crocs without socks, but only on Saturday nights when she’s feeling “frisky and free.”

Student reports say they never expected Moore to be like this.

“Yesterday she was just my biology professor who was really bad at grading papers on time,” said student Kelly Shah. “Now she’s a bad ass who says ‘fuck you’ to the rules.”

Since Friday temperatures have dropped again causing Moore to put away the crocs and go back to her basic sketchers. Moore could not be reached for comment but Rutgers is surely on the edge of their seats waiting to see what this innovator does next.

Online Exclusive: Professors Take Up Summer Jobs

BY Sawyer

Rutgers1766Although the University offers summer classes, many professors find themselves with much time on their hands and very few ways to supplement their income over the months between spring and fall semesters. A group of enterprising educators has ventured out taking odd jobs in the community and even taking some entrepreneurial action.

Dr. Glenn Talbot, who usually teaches “Medieval and Early Women Writers”, has resorted to selling Cutco knives to his mother’s friends. He explained that his second job is product of the fact that his options are extremely limited:

“The University simply has no place for me over the summer. And my education doesn’t qualify me for tutoring anything besides Medieval Culture. The options for me fall into waiting at Denny’s for minimum wage or teaching practically useless courses at slightly above minimum wage. That’s what I do: teaching students who need to fill requirements and couldn’t get into ‘Dance Appreciation’ and teaching students who will be qualified for no other job but my own. I don’t have tenure and they’re going to replace me.”

Dr. Thad Ross, Talbot’s predecessor explained, “Talbot took my job after he graduated my classes. If I hadn’t been scamming people by getting them involved in Amway, I would have had no way to pay for my second undergraduate degree in Accounting! I’ll have a permanent job once I graduate.”

Even educators with better prospects have been seeking additional income for the summer. Adjunct professor Rick Jones, who teaches Nuclear Physics, has been making his money online. Jones, 25, is rated full-on “spicy” according to RateMyProfessors.com and is capitalizing on his standing with students. “I would usually be doing shirtless yardwork for sororities in the sweltering summer sun, but now I’m using social media for more money in a more comfortable setting. Who wouldn’t rather work from bed?

“Facebook recently introduced money transfers to their messaging service, which already has video calling. I’m now getting paid for personal cam shows online. That’s a huge network of clients with a good reputation for being reliable and safe. Also, my clients don’t have the guilt of going to a strip club or smutty website like ‘Live Jizman’. I’m making $30/hour!”

At press time, Talbot was telling Jones of the superior quality of Cutco knives and how they make a perfect gift for his seven-year-old niece’s birthday, far better than an expensive American Girl doll.