BY Andrew Blustein
After holding an emergency meeting last Thursday, the Rutgers Board of Governors lowered the printing allowance from $30 to $10.
According to a source close to the situation, the University is in cost-cutting mode.
“Rutgers University is in great standing,” said Nancy Winterbauer, Rutgers’ vice president for university budgeting. “Frankly, $30 was overly generous. Students will be able to make do with less, and the money the University is saving will only benefit the students in the long run.”
There has yet to be any indication as to where the money will be diverted, but students do not seem to see the benefit.
“I’m a civil engineering major,” said junior Steven Hernandez. “I print so much. I wind up spending like $15 a semester, and a lot of the time I print in color. How is this supposed to help me? And where is the money going? You know Rutgers isn’t going to do anything with it, and if they do, they’ll do it like 10 years after I graduate.”
This printing allowance decrease follows a June decision by the Board of Governors to hike tuition by 1.7 percent for the 2016-17 school year.
According to reports, the University will be funneling the money it saves to outside interests. A source, who requested to remain anonymous, recently shined light on why Rutgers is diverting so much money away from students.
“We’ve tried for so long to keep them off our backs, but we just can’t do it anymore,” said the source. “The EPA is all over us. They’re squeezing us for money, man. They’ve made so many threats. First they demanded us to put solar panels in that lot on Livingston. Then we managed to keep them at bay for years, but they’re bearing down on us now. All of us here are scared for our lives.”
Allegedly, the Environmental Protection Agency has been threatening to let savage, rabid bobcats loose across campus, as the agency apparently claims the University has contributed to the animal’s loss of habitat.
The bobcats apparently have a taste for human flesh, and would wipe out 10,000 students in less than a week.
“They need money man,” said the source. “We can’t keep them away any longer. We have to pay them or else we’ll all be eaten by bobcats. And it had to be printing money because they say we’re destroying the rain forests. If we took the money from somewhere else, they would’ve let poisonous Amazonian snakes loose all around campus. These EPA guys are fucking crazy, man. Fucking crazy!”
According to the source, the EPA is pressuring the University in an effort to raise money as they face massive budget cuts, and possible extinction, under a Trump regime.
“It’s all Trump’s fault, man,” said the source. “If he just let the EPA be, then we wouldn’t have to worry about all these fucking bobcats. Wait. Shhh! Did you hear that? Oh god. It’s in my house. OH GOD! OWWW! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”