Volume XLVIII Issue X
BY DR. TOSSED SALAD: OPINIONS EDITOR
It’s a new semester, which means that you will be starting another Pokémon game to distract yourself from your problems. Now you just need to decide which starter you will pick. You’re in luck! The Medium has all the advice you need when picking your next starter for: Pokémon FireRed.
Bulbasaur: Yeah I guess Bulbasaur would be a good choice. But then again it is about to be winter. Do plants do well in winter? No not really. They tend to lose all their leaves and go into hibernation when it starts to get cold. So since you’re starting this game in the winter it might not be the best idea. Also his bulb looks like a pussy so do you really want to deal with that?
Squirtle: So maybe you will go with Squirtle? Well think again. Squirtle is a type of turtle and our research is that turtles—mostly tortoises—are actually starting to go extinct. That means that they are not doing well in this world. Also, a tortoise raped my father so I do not trust them one bit!
Charmander: So last but not least we have Charmander. He’s fire and fire is power. Man was able to come out of the caves when he discovered fire. And Charizard is also pretty fucking badass. But really let’s break this down: the Earth is 70% water, which means you’re gonna be running into some watery bastards eventually. Water kills fire every single time. We can’t take that chance of Charmander getting hurt. Also, that bastard Gary will just pick Squirtle once you pick Charmander so yeah, no dice.
SO JUST WHICH POKEMON SHOULD YOU GO WITH?
Rattata: So yeah how about you challenge yourself for a change. You’ve beaten this game how many times? And everytime you used a starter so don’t this time! Pick one and release that shit! Release it so all Pokémon know you’re the motherfucking boss. And at level 20 Rattata evolves into Raticate. And this dude who picks up chicks on the bus loves Raticate. So there you go, stop complaining.