The Medium’s Commentary on the Fall Bus Routes

By Harry Nuttsaac

The new bus routes for the Fall 2021 Semester are fucking atrocious, so let’s delve into just how fucking disgusting they are.

Cook/Douglass: Possibly the most easily forgotten about yet most beautiful campus we’ve got in New Brunswick. This one is lucky enough to have three bus stops for the fall at College Hall, Red Oak, and Lipman, the latter two only being 700 feet away from each other. In contrast, the furthest reaches of campus are all at least a half-mile away, so god forbid you have to walk all the way out to the farm or Nielson.

Busch: Ahh, the domain of the geese and students without lives. Unlike Cook/Doug, Busch has only (kinda) got two stops for the fall, but only one of the three lines to go there actually go to both. Somehow, the campus that had the most stops (somewhere between 10 and 100) got boiled down to only two stops. That’s what you get for being the worst campus, I guess.

Livingston: Cats, coyotes, and just about nothing else. Livi is lucky enough to be left almost entirely unscathed, only losing the bus stop at the Quads. This doesn’t change much regarding the time it takes for each route to go around, however, since the buses are still probably gonna loop around the entire campus.

College Ave: We’re leaving the most massacred, mangled campus for last. College Ave, the campus most highlighted by Rutgers, has been left with nothing but Scott Hall. Fuck everyone with classes anywhere else, have fun walking (this is a joke since no classes are actually gonna be in person). It takes so fucking long to get anywhere on College Ave by bus thanks to all the car and foot traffic, and all of that just for one fucking stop.

Of course, we left some other juicy bits out. In case you missed the homeless of George Street, you’ll still get to mingle with them on your way between College Ave and Cook/Doug (and there is no F line, so you’ll have no choice). We’ve learned that they really have no expectations of filling up the campuses and classes as much as they said, or else they would put more stops closer to dorms (like the Quads) or to classes (like anywhere else on Busch). Oh, and they’re all colors now, so have fun learning new route names and everything. Get fucked.

How to Foster a Sense of Community on the Bus

By The Nifty Knitter

1. Make individual eye contact with each and every person sitting in a seat or standing.
2. Always offer your seat or the seat of someone who looks physically capable of standing to someone who looks physically incapable of standing.
3. Always engage in conversation with the bus driver.
4. Always welcome people as they enter the bus.
5. Always wish people well as they exit the bus.
6. If someone starts eating something with nuts, make sure to
make an announcement to see if anyone has allergies.
7. Offer to hold someone’s backpack if they look worn out.
8. Offer your lap to children when there are no seats left, they have poor balance.
9. If someone is listening to music, be sure to ask who the artist is.
10. Offer the person next to you one of your headphones if you’re listening to music.

The Bagsetter: Profile of a Man Who Keeps the World a Backpack’s Length Away

BY Caillou
Loves Children

NEW BRUNSWICK — In a world where society is constantly berated with social media posts dripping with sentimentality, ads designed to stir up deep-seated memories, and people just looking to create a meaningful connection with another human, there is one man who refuses to move his backpack.

David Michaels, an 18-year-old freshman at Rutgers University, has taken a stance against the overly personal culture we live in and places his backpack on the seat adjacent to him, preventing students from ever getting close to him. “It’s a protest of sorts,” David said as he pulled up the Fight Club soundtrack on his iPhone 7. “I just need to go against society’s concepts of ‘kindness’ and ‘decency’ and ‘awareness,’ and create this sort of art out of the frustration of innocent Rutgers students.”

And it’s undeniable that David is incredibly skilled at his art form. We got to watch a performance of his, and he was just stellar. When he gets on a bus, he heads straight to the back, often shoving smaller students to the side, and throws his backpack on the seat closest to the window before gracefully landing on the aisle seat. His technique was incredible, but his true brilliance shines through in his interactions with others. When asked to move, he’ll often spectacularly dodge the request by pretending to listen to Martin Shkreli’s “This Week in Investing” podcast. This often leaves the other feeling cold, helpless, and shunned.

Though sometimes, a student will be bold enough to persevere and even tap David on the shoulder. However, no student can rival David’s resolve; and as he stares down these foolish students, with eyes tired from living a million lives, and a stare colder than darkness, the students always resort to standing.

There are millions of artists each year who try, yet fail, to make art so interwoven in the human condition. However, such awareness of the world can leave one isolated, and as David once again keeps the world a backpack’s length away to fully enjoy his lukewarm almond milk, one must ask themselves, simply; at what cost?

10 Practical Uses for Semen

BY Us, the Horny Members of the Medium

1. Saving your spot on the bus.

2. Glue for your child’s fourth grade macaroni art.

3. Coffee creamer, lezz be real, the dining halls are alllllways out.

4. Bug repellant (lets be Zika conscious, yall!). Just make sure to coat your entire body thoroughly. Cum to think of it, same logic works for sunscreen!

5. Throat lotion (cum on, its cold season).

6. Also toothpaste.

7. As a means of finding your way home when lost (trail of bread cums).

8. Mio substitute (**ONLY IF YOU EAT PINEAPPLE
BEFORE**)

9. Anal lube (you probably already do this, so it’s not all that innovative).

10. Impregnating your wife to make beautiful children.

Rutgers’ Bus System Now Utilizing Drip Irrigation

BY Molly Moist
Newbie

NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers has long been on the forefront of many technological innovations: creating life-saving vaccines, single-handedly landing a man on the moon… the list goes on and on. Now Rutgers has begun implementing the agricultural phenomenon known as ‘drip irrigation’ on the bus system of their flagship New Brunswick campus.

Upperclassmen Roberto Barkey was here to describe it to us, “Yeah we know Rutgers has been trying out this drip irrigation for years, I remember getting on an EE my freshman year and coming back to my dorm wet as a manatee. It is promising to see they’ve implemented it on all the buses and I can still get soaked in a much more efficient way.”

Professors in Environmental Science joined his praise, saying, “Back in the ‘80s we had to find much more creative ways to drench students, whether it was throwing them in Passion Puddle or giving them an old-fashioned swirly. I am glad to see the university is keeping their priorities straight, despite numerous debilitating facilities, making our students uncomfortable has always been our number one priority.”

Students at the university will be hard-pressed to find a seat that is not moist.

Sophomore Angela Xu expressed her joy, saying, “After a night of heavy drinking on College Ave, it’s nice to hop on a bus back to Busch and not have to assume the wet seat isn’t from some engineering chick that couldn’t hold it in on Route 18. It is such a relief to feel those drops hit you from above.”

Rutgers has since expressed their gratitude to the football team and The Yard for using up any money that could have been used for patching up the leaking busses. There has yet to be a timetable for future repairs.

Unidentified Man Stands Rebellious Against U. Treatment of Students

“No, you stay behind the white line for your own safety!” A lone international student stands in a Livingston crosswalk in open nonviolent opposition to the progress of the Rutgers military’s heavily-armed tanks. The man continued to hinder the column of buses by momentarily climbing onto one’s roof.

New Buses Encourage Students to Not Give Up

BY Randy Butternubs
THERAPIST-IN-CHIEF

“…IT’S TRUE!”
The scrolling LED banners inside the buses will occasionally support you with lyrics from the most incredible songs of your middle school years.

NEW BRUNSWICK—First Transit announced a new addition to the Rutgers busing system, as all campus shuttles will now leave students with encouraging messages over intercom.

Popular opinion surrounding the buses is perpetually negative, with many students dreading every second of their commute to class. Relatively recent developments, such as the laying off of galactically-loved bus driver Stan and the addition of the weird white buses that make no fucking sense, have not mitigated the issue of general student body disapproval. First Transit has thus come up with a solution to raise student morale and their opinion of the buses, hopefully keeping them from drawing pornography on the back of seats.

The intercom, which would normally announce at each stop the next destination in the route, will now be replaced with a soothing voice which encourages students to continue with their studies and dreams. Some of the preprogrammed phases include, “Your grades don’t define who you are,” “Everything will work out,” and “You should really call your parents. They still love you.”

There will also be a second set of encouraging phases for all buses en route to Douglass, which will repeatedly say, “Don’t worry. You’ll be going back before you know it.”

While the Douglass version of the messages was welcomed by the students, the announcements have been met with skepticism. A recent poll by the Department of Transportation Services (DOTS) found that many students believed the encouragement to be rather patronizing and several reported that the encouraging messages were “a poor attempt to make us feel better about attending a state university.”

Despite student disapproval, the busing system will continue to play encouraging messages to students at least for the rest of the 2015-2016 term and plans to include listings of backup career options on the LED displays of the headsigns of the buses for students who recently left their Organic Chemistry exam.

U. Bus Drivers Do Not Know How to Handle Students Fucking

BY Dr. Tossed Salad

LIVINGSTON CAMPUS- Students are going fucking nuts, literally, reported First Transit in their quarterly semester report on sexual activity on buses released last Friday, describing increasing trends of “getting it on,” on the buses. This upscale trend was witnessed yet again early Monday morning on an LX bus, when a call came across the First Transit radio of yet more horny students getting it on.

“Yeah this girl is gagging on this guys cock,” complained LX Bus Driver Harold Duf on his way back to Livingston Campus from College Avenue. “Yeah he came everywhere I’m gonna need someone to bring me a new bus.” This trend has spiked from recent semesters, with reports of 5 calls per day about students looking to “seal the deal,” which is up from the 1.8 reports from the previous semester. First Transit has reported a statistical increase in fingering, sucking, eating pussy, squirting, full 1 girl 2 guys threesomes plus asshole eating, as only a handful of kinky acts witnessed on the buses early on in the semester.

“Well first it just started out that the buses were always wet, even when there was no rain or snow…it was just always wet, the seats, floor, ceiling, everything,” stated First Transit Director Robert Oswald. “And now it is just getting out of hand. We used to get kids just making out, maybe a quick handy every now and then, but it has never been this bad… Boy makes me remember my college days,” stated Oswald, trying to sound like he had a lot of sex in college.
However, students seem to be very accepting in the upswing of sharing fluids on the buses, with more and more students joining in the hanky panky.

“I used to always look at couples kissing and write an angry tweet about it. But now, I don’t know, it’s just different,” commented former prude and junior Jennifer Marks. “It really just brings a more positive experience to riding the buses, and builds the community Rutgers is famous for.”
RUDOTS has released the statement that while they do not condone the actions of students, all they ask is that students be accepting to people of all nationalities and skin color looking to get involved.

“They don’t even fucking ask man,” weeped F bus driver Markus Henderson as he looked on at four students rubbing each other in places too disgusting to describe. “At least they finally stopped pulling the damn cord before the Scott Hall stop.”

21ST CENTURY ROSA PARKS GETS ON BUS BEFORE OTHERS GET OFF

Black history month:
They automatically have the right of way this month.

Administration must be accessible to my sexy body

Volume XLVIII Issue VII

BY ALEXIS BRADY: TARGUM WRITER

Throughout my time on the banks, all I can remember is being on those motherfucking busses. It’s not that I’m a senior who still isn’t used to the busses or anything. Not that I couldn’t suck it up or transfer.

So, yeah. Busses suck massive cock. I mean massive. Like the cock I took last night. Oh my god did it gape my pussy holy shit. Did that feel nice or what? Anyway, busses are horrible, dining halls taste like shit, we ignore out faculty who apparently do not make enough money even though tuition keeps rising. And who should we blame for all this bullshit? The administration!

President Barchi has announced that he will no longer meet with students this semester and all my fellow students and I have to ask is, “Are we not enough to pleasure you anymore, Barchi?”

Barchi, you are the President. You are responsible of taking care of all of the student body, and you usually do such a good job of it. I mean, first you would do me Barchi. I was your favorite. Remember the way you would bite on my soft and tender breasts? Then work your way down and I would scream. Then, Joey from SEBS would come in and give you a little spanking for being such a bad boy. Yeah, you bad little boy. You take it like the bitch you are.

This school is so big, Barchi. Like, I understand if you didn’t want to meet with me as much, but none of us!? What about the issues? What about looking out for the faculty? What about my clit which hasn’t been rubbed in weeks?

Because of this, Rutgers is going to be defined as a school of separation of administration and the student body. It’s up to the administration to close this gap. And if that means we have to fuck the whole Board of Governors, then so be it.