Tag Archives: history

Student From South Jersey Finds Out Area Was Part of Union

BY Grind All
Masshole

CHERRY HILL — In a shocking turn of events local South Jersey resident Karen Hall recently found out that South Jersey was in fact part of the Union during the Civil War rather than the confederacy. This revelation came after Hall enrolled in an American History class during her second semester at Rutgers. As the class was wrapping up Hall realized that she had hardly attended class and in order to pass the final she would need to actually open the textbook. But when she sat down this past Monday to finally read about some good old American history she found herself paralyzed by shock when she got to the history of the Civil War section. Right there in writing was the listing of the states that fought for the Confederacy in the 1860s.

“I just sat there re-reading it over and over again!” exclaimed Hall. “Right there it said South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina! No mention of Jersey!”

Hall attempted to calm herself down by telling herself that Virginia was close to Jersey so maybe South Jersey was actually a part of Virginia in the 1800s! Unfortunately, to her dismay she turned the page and was greeted with a map that outlined where the Confederacy ended and the Union started, which made it very obvious that South Jersey was a part of the Union.

“I was just so shocked,” she stated. “I mean the Union?! The icky no fun Union that wanted to CRUSH personal rights and take away Southern pride and heritage?!”
Enraged by this and still not totally believing what she saw, Hall stormed to her professor’s office demanding an explanation. The professor had no idea who Hall was and was reportedly concerned that Hall not only had no idea that New Jersey was a part of the Union but that she was upset by it.

“I thought I had some real Southern heritage in me!” cried Hall with a fake southern drawl in a recent phone interview.

According to her roommate, Hall has not left her room since reading the passage insisting she is going through an “identity crisis” citing that even though her family has lived in South Jersey since America’s birth, she does not know who her ancestors are anymore. Hall’s friend Chantel, a black woman, tried to sympathize with her stating she knew none of her ancestors because they were slaves that were not recorded in a censuses but Hall insisted it wasn’t the same and her situation was much worse.

No word on when Hall will exit her room or whether she has even accepted this fact yet.

In Honor of Black History Month Trump Shortens February by Three-Fifths

R0b $toned
Resident Birthday Boy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since realizing the only way to get out of being the President of the United States was to delegitimize the voting system, President Donald J. Trump has now turned to a different, and even more interesting tactic to try and prematurely end his presidential tenure. In a recent secret meeting that has since been leaked by BuzzFeed, it has been announced that President Trump has proposed to shorten the month of February by 3/5ths.

“The 3/5ths Compromise was a huge part of America’s history, what better way to honor Black History Month than by incorporating a vital component of black history directly into the month?” asked Press Secretary Sean Spicer at a Press Briefing while on the verge of tears awkwardly trying to find his soul.

February being Black History Month, and even more commonly known for being the month with a substantially less amount of days than every other month, has already come under fire for having holidays such as Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day, Umbrella Day, National Battery Day, the Leap Year and of course, Not My President’s Day.

“Nobody even likes February. It’s the worst month by far. He’s doing everybody a huge favor,” Spicer said.

The new proposal, which has already been drafted by Trump’s administration as an executive order waiting to be signed by President Trump’s tiny hands, is unprecedented and has nobody on edge. The Medium did some research and grabbed a calculator and found that 28 divided by 3/5ths is, in fact, 46.7. So don’t worry February birthdays, proponents of Black History Month and those of you who are really into batteries, the shitty February that you all know and love is here to stay and it’s just getting started.

Teacher’s Pet Finally Gets Something Wrong

BY Grind All
Resident Hater

NEW BRUNSWICK—After a three week streak of never getting a question wrong, witnesses say teachers pet Randy Greggs’ actually got a question incorrect in his European History class yesterday. Greggs had been on fire, answering every question with such certain confidence and pretentiousness that his demise was anticipated by the class.

“Seriously his hand was always up,” said one student. “I would fucking pray every time that he would get the answer wrong and today it finally happened. It feels good.”

The question was apparently about the Holocaust. Professor Robert Banks asked the class how Hitler died, a question he thought would be easy.

“I saw Randy shoot his hand up again and thought ‘Not this motherfucker again’ but no one else was raising their hand” said Banks.

Greggs then was said to have opened his mouth to confidently say, “The Americans shot him!” to which the class fell into a dead silence as Banks finally said, “No… I’m sorry” shattering Greggs’ world.

No word as to whether Greggs will be back to himself next class.

Professor Still Can’t Figure out How to Use PowerPoint

BY Grind All
Tech-Savvy Student

During a class on Friday, Carl Talson of the history department at Rutgers declared he was “normally very tech savvy” while having trouble starting a PowerPoint presentation.

Hunched over a laptop with his glasses resting on the brim of his nose, Talson was said to be muttering “I don’t know what’s happening guys. I am normally very good with computers. Why won’t this thing start?

techsavvy
“PULLING OUT EVERY EXCUSE” Carl Talson takes one more go at the offending laptop after five minutes of fruitless clicking.

Witnesses say that he seemed to have no concept of a how a computer worked as he continued to blindly click around the screen hopelessly trying to find a way to present the PowerPoint.

“It was hard to watch. He just kept clicking around like he was having a seizure,” said one student. “It was so awkward, it was dead silent except for his angry muttering and erratic clicks.”

As the clicking intensified, many students took it upon themselves and elected to leave the lecture. The remaining students watched in pain for another 10 minutes as Talson minimized and maximized the window over and over again until one student sheepishly pointed out the “Present PowerPoint” button at the bottom of the screen. After finally clicking the button Talson was said to have sighed happily saying, “See I told you guys I was good with computers.”

Groundbreaking Discovery Found at Rutgers Construction Site

BY Randy Butternubs
Halibut Master

skullPISCATAWAY, NJ— A monumental discovery was accidentally made last week during the construction of the new Chemistry Building on Busch Campus, as an intriguing human skull with a penile perforations was uncovered.

The skull was immediately sent to the Anthropology Department, where researchers came to the unanimous conclusion that this skull represents the earliest evidence of skull fucking in the human race’s extensive history. Carbon-14 dating reveals the skull to be over 15,000 years old and presents with an inch-and-a-half-diameter cock hole in left temple. The skull is currently being held in the Ruth Adams Building on Douglass Campus, but is already planned to tour natural history museums across the world.

The Smithsonian already expressed great interest in displaying the skull for future generations to enjoy. Derrick Virga, a curator for the National Museum of Natural History at the Smithsonian, commented on the addition of the new artifact. “It’s an American tradition to fuck over the Native Americans. With this discovery on the coattails of Columbus Day, I think that this gives America a long-needed sense of its ancient history, as it represents how indigenous people were literally fucked to death and screwed over.”

It is unclear whether skull fucking was a brutal manifestation of male dominance in early humans or suggests an extreme courtship ritual in which a lesser male is sacrificed to show off the penile strength of another man. While the skull’s true origins are still contested in the scientific world, students at Rutgers have already taken a liking to the skull as the first and greatest RU Screw.