New Buses Encourage Students to Not Give Up

BY Randy Butternubs
THERAPIST-IN-CHIEF

"...IT'S TRUE!" The scrolling LED banners inside the buses will occasionally support you with lyrics from the most incredible songs of your middle school years.
“…IT’S TRUE!”
The scrolling LED banners inside the buses will occasionally support you with lyrics from the most incredible songs of your middle school years.

NEW BRUNSWICK—First Transit announced a new addition to the Rutgers busing system, as all campus shuttles will now leave students with encouraging messages over intercom.

Popular opinion surrounding the buses is perpetually negative, with many students dreading every second of their commute to class. Relatively recent developments, such as the laying off of galactically-loved bus driver Stan and the addition of the weird white buses that make no fucking sense, have not mitigated the issue of general student body disapproval. First Transit has thus come up with a solution to raise student morale and their opinion of the buses, hopefully keeping them from drawing pornography on the back of seats.

The intercom, which would normally announce at each stop the next destination in the route, will now be replaced with a soothing voice which encourages students to continue with their studies and dreams. Some of the preprogrammed phases include, “Your grades don’t define who you are,” “Everything will work out,” and “You should really call your parents. They still love you.”

There will also be a second set of encouraging phases for all buses en route to Douglass, which will repeatedly say, “Don’t worry. You’ll be going back before you know it.”

While the Douglass version of the messages was welcomed by the students, the announcements have been met with skepticism. A recent poll by the Department of Transportation Services (DOTS) found that many students believed the encouragement to be rather patronizing and several reported that the encouraging messages were “a poor attempt to make us feel better about attending a state university.”

Despite student disapproval, the busing system will continue to play encouraging messages to students at least for the rest of the 2015-2016 term and plans to include listings of backup career options on the LED displays of the headsigns of the buses for students who recently left their Organic Chemistry exam.

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