RWJ Researchers Discover Dessert Stomach

Volume XLVIII Issue III

BY SAWYER: NEWS EDITOR

NEW BRUNSWICK—Research scientists at Robert Wood John­son have discovered the much theorized organ they call the “dessert stomach”.

Led by Doctors Gastreaux and Testinalé, the group pub­lished findings in the Anatomic Research Journal. “This sec­ond stomach has been hidden for years underneath the main stomach. No one ever noticed it before since all past research was performed on dead bodies. Rather than dissecting this time, we used advanced noninvasive imaging technology to observe the digestive system throughout a meal.”

When they initially set out on this venture, the research group sought an explanation of “how the tummy turns food to poo-poo”, an age long mystery. What they saw was entering via the esophagus and sitting.

This occurred when appe­tizers and entrees were eaten; there, they saw that they were slowly dissolved. But the stom­ach filled up. The subject was then asked what he’d like for dessert: pie or cake.

At this point in the video, a pouch below the full stomach inflated and traveled upward. As dessert was consumed, it was deposited directly into the sac.This pouch is described as the “dessert stomach”, the rea­son people don’t instinctively save room for dessert.

The research offers explana­tion of why I’ll still go for a rich slice of cheesecake even after I’m full. There is far reaching po­tential for this discovery and it shows off Rutgers’s status as a premier research institution.

Gastreaux’s group is ex­pected to continue this line of research and continue to grow its great influence on the field of gastronomy and anatomy. Such instances of great discovery highlight the advantage of Rut­gers’s recent acquisition of RWJ.

The scientists are still sift­ing through the video, but at the moment, they believe that doo­dy is made by magic when food reaches the rectum.

RIDDLE OF THE WEEK

Volume XLVIII Issue X

BY BROSEF STALIN: HERO THAT A7 NEEDS. NOT THE ONE IT WANTS

You are standing atop a 17 story building, looking out at the city. The wind is blowing northwest at 10 miles an hour, the sky is clear, and traffic is light. 90 miles away, a plane is traveling towards you at 500 miles an hour, and will pass overhead. The sun is angled from your point of view at 23 degrees in the sky and is setting. Your life insurance pays out 800,000 dollars. Do you really think this is the only option out of your bankrupcy? Your family will miss you.

EMMA WATSON AT THE UN

Volume XLVIII Issue III

BY FEMINIST-MARXIST: STAFF WRITER

NEW YORK CITY – Harry Potter star Emma Watson gave a speech on September 20th about feminism and introduced her new initiative #HeForShe at the United Nations. The British ac­tress began her fight for women’s rights by quoting Dumbledore: “[Feminism is] the belief that witches and wizards should have equal rights and opportunities. It is the theory of the political, eco­nomic and social equality of the sexes.”

After masterfully deceiving the UN Women’s Committee that her priorities lie in the right place, the real reason behind Ms. Watson’s involvement surfaced in the speech. She burst out: “I wanted to be Harry Potter!,” suddenly waking up everyone that was falling asleep.

Albeit, Watson’s task was not easy. Speaking about women who are stoned to death for surviving rape or the practices of genital mutilation, her struggle not to call out any country by name was real. This was exasperated by the fact that all countries in the world are members of the UN.

But not everyone was akin to Watson’s speech; an anony­mous hacker group threatened to publish her nude photos online. And we all thought Watson was doing so well in not joining Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus in the Child Stars Gone Wild club. Watson might want to consider using magic to fix gender equality, because we all know muggles are incapable of that sort of thing.

AND NOW A POINT/COUNTERPOINT WITH ANDY ROONEY

         Why Do We Eat Corn? BY ANDY ROONEY

A lot of people make corn part of their weekly diet. It’s a crop that has been around since before the Europeans came to this continent. But, have you ever wondered why we have continued to eat corn?

I was sitting down to take a shit the other day, after a long day’s work at the office you always like to come home and take a nice shit, or at least I do. And once I was done, there it was: corn that I had not fully digested. If we can’t digest it then why do we continue to eat it?

We can’t digest it because it contains cellulose, a type of fiber we have trouble breaking down. And yet we continue to grow so much corn every year. Yeah it is used for making other products like corn syrup and ethanol, but we grow more corn than other vegetables out there.

There’s string beans, carrots, potatoes, even some nice cucumbers, and we have no problems digesting them. All of them are good and come at roughly the same price. They are all easy to get at your local farm or market. Next time, I think I’ll go for some nice lima beans rather than something used to power my car.

         Cause I’m so Fucking Good BY CORN

Why do you continue to eat me? Cause I’m the best there is. I’m the one who sweetens up your day, sweetens your life. You know when it’s a nice warm summer day all you want is to throw a couple ears of corn on the grill with some soft succulent butter and a pinch of salt. What about when you go to Chipotle, you know you always ask for me, and when you bite into me, oh yeah you know! I give you that pleasurable sensation that just goes great with your chicken or barbacoa.

Yeah you know you want me, and you fucking need me. I am the vegetable god. Are you really going to replace me? With what? Goddamn peas?! Maybe some cauliflower? Yeah, see how well that goes over. I’ll be around forever, so you might as well just keep enjoying me as much as I enjoy you.

Adrian Peterson Destroyed by Guilt, Vows to Change

BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON: SPORTS EDITOR

“I SHOULD HAVE DRAFTED
LESEAN MCCOY, DADDY!”

MINNEAPOLIS, MN— The NFL landscape has shifted dra­matically since the Ravens re­leased Ray Rice and Adrian Pe­terson was deactivated by the Minnesota Vikings. The league has struggled to downplay the controversial actions of two star running backs while Rice and Peterson are stuck at home on Sundays.

In particular, Peterson is feeling very remorseful for his actions. In an interview with The Medium, Peterson revealed that the worst part of what trans­pired is not that he abused his son, but that he’s single-handed­ly ruining thousands of Fantasy Football teams.

“Yeah man, Ray Rice is upset, sure, but he was a fifth round pick. Fantasy owners can recover from a 5th round bust. I was the first overall pick in a lot of leagues.”

“Fans on ESPN Fantasy Fo­rums are devastated, and I can’t blame them. I may have hit my son, but the real ones taking the hit are fantasy owners every­where who drafted me.”

“This really hits home for me, since my son drafted me in his fantasy league. I have to live with the fact that I let him down forever.”

Peterson has promised owners that drafted him that he will do anything he can to make it up to them, including providing insider tips on which Vikings players to start.

BUTT HURT

BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS: ARTS EDITOR

MASTURBATION LOCKERS INSTALLED ON LIVINGSTON/COOK

BY BIANCA JO: THE PRETTIEST PRINCESS

“MASTURBATION LOCKERS ON LIVINGSTON CAMPUS”
Maybe they masturbate on bicycles?

The greatest obstacle facing the homeless population (besides the whole not having houses thing) has always been finding a dis­crete place to masturbate. That will no longer be a problem thanks to the newly-installed masturbation lockers found on both Cook campus and Livingston campus. For a mere $25 a semester, home­less men and women can secure their own 5-by-6 foot, stainless steel hand job hut.

Dirty Rick, a New Brunswick based homeless man for nearly three years, was one of the first to sign up for his own beat-off box. “I may be covered in my own piss and begging for money, but at least now I can jerk it with my dignity intact.”

Although, technically, the lockers were built for Rutgers stu­dents for the purpose of storing their bicycles… These crank-yank­ing containers are by no means the ideal location for an intimate evening alone. Each locker is cold, confined, and pitch black, but none of that seems to be an issue for the homeless community, who use them for strict, no-nonsense bare-bones boner bearing. “Sure, it’s dark in there,” Dirty Rick said. “But d’ya know what else is dark? Jerkin’ it on the streets.”

Some of the Rutgers students using the bike lockers to actually lock up their bikes have voiced their concerns over what they con­sider to be an infestation of homeless hob-knockers. Many have reported hearing moans as they retrieve their bikes. This, coupled with the violent sobbing that comes after, has left bike riders feel­ing “unsettled.”

“Unsettled? Sure, it may be unsettling, but d’ya know what else is unsettling? Jerkin’ it on the fuckin’ streets,” Dirty Rick chimed in.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Every week we pose a question to Rutgers University Students to ask for their opinions on current issues and topics.

CLIMATE MARCH HOTBED OF USELESS ACTIVISM

BY MCLIMATE ZLOCA: STAFF WRITER

“GIVING A LOVING CARESS TO MOTHER NATURE’S O-ZONE”
The worst thing is how all these calamities happened all at once.

NEW YORK CITY—Over 310,000 people gathered last Sunday in New York City for the Climate Summit at the United Nations. Correspondent Dick Green­est echoed the overall senti­ment of the protest: “The con­sciousness is finally changing. More and more people realize that corporations are guilty for everything ranging from cli­mate change, economic crisis, world inequality, bad weather, girls who turn you down, shit­ty grades, watered-down beer, hurricanes, and STDs… man, fuck corporations!”

Not everyone agrees. New York resident Rick Hurst ar­gued that the ever-increasing temperature seems to have had even some positive impacts. Most protesters, for example, were forced to wear skimpier clothing due to the heat. “In comparison to the activists back in the 1970s,” noted Hurst, “the majority of the girls here have shaved armpits and don’t smell and look like truck drivers.” “We came to march for cli­mate and take a lot of pictures to justify why we’re better than everyone else,” stated Tori Novi­elli, a sophomore in the business school.

Another Rutgers student sporting too many dreadlocks for a white person added, “I be­lieve it is a perfect opportunity to spruce up my Tumblr page and I support all efforts of the organizers to make this possi­ble. The power is back with the people.” Sadly, not everyone was happy with the outcome of the March. Namely, activists of the Elderly Jewish Lesbians for Cli­mate Action and Latin American Forest Rights group mournfully expressed that they felt under­represented. As member Phillis Jane lamented, “It’s like no one even knows we exist.”

As the day and march drew to a close, many members dis­persed toward nearby McDon­alds and Starbucks to congrat­ulate each other on a job well done.

SECOND WORLD PROBLEMS: BAD, BUT NOT THAT BAD

BY BUS KID: THE T-SHIRT GUY

When you want to show off your pet bear Sasha’s newest trick but her unicycle has a flat.

The last time your country had an election, there was only one option on the ballot.

When you don’t have enough Vodka to last you through another glorious winter.

When your government decides to put you in a gulag for Googling “freedom” and “democracy”.

Being forced to give the last of your grains that you were going to eat for dinner to the all-powerful government, Comrade.

Bribing your police officers just no longer works like it used to ever since they’ve tried to become more “transparent”.

Having to wait two months for any TV show or movie to be subtitled in your language.

When you want to go outside but don’t have anymore face masks.

When you’re super flexible as a child so the government takes you from your family and starts training you for the Olympics.