MASTURBATION LOCKERS INSTALLED ON LIVINGSTON/COOK

BY BIANCA JO: THE PRETTIEST PRINCESS

“MASTURBATION LOCKERS ON LIVINGSTON CAMPUS” Maybe they masturbate on bicycles?
“MASTURBATION LOCKERS ON LIVINGSTON CAMPUS”
Maybe they masturbate on bicycles?

The greatest obstacle facing the homeless population (besides the whole not having houses thing) has always been finding a dis­crete place to masturbate. That will no longer be a problem thanks to the newly-installed masturbation lockers found on both Cook campus and Livingston campus. For a mere $25 a semester, home­less men and women can secure their own 5-by-6 foot, stainless steel hand job hut.

Dirty Rick, a New Brunswick based homeless man for nearly three years, was one of the first to sign up for his own beat-off box. “I may be covered in my own piss and begging for money, but at least now I can jerk it with my dignity intact.”

Although, technically, the lockers were built for Rutgers stu­dents for the purpose of storing their bicycles… These crank-yank­ing containers are by no means the ideal location for an intimate evening alone. Each locker is cold, confined, and pitch black, but none of that seems to be an issue for the homeless community, who use them for strict, no-nonsense bare-bones boner bearing. “Sure, it’s dark in there,” Dirty Rick said. “But d’ya know what else is dark? Jerkin’ it on the streets.”

Some of the Rutgers students using the bike lockers to actually lock up their bikes have voiced their concerns over what they con­sider to be an infestation of homeless hob-knockers. Many have reported hearing moans as they retrieve their bikes. This, coupled with the violent sobbing that comes after, has left bike riders feel­ing “unsettled.”

“Unsettled? Sure, it may be unsettling, but d’ya know what else is unsettling? Jerkin’ it on the fuckin’ streets,” Dirty Rick chimed in.

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