Tag Archives: Miley Cyrus

I Dress Up As Hannah Montana During Sex

BY Miley Cyrusmileycyrus

So here’s the thing, I know most of y’all at this point don’t wanna listen to what I have to say, but this is an important confession I have to make. I dress up as Hannah Montana during sex. I know what y’all are thinking, “Wait Miley, I thought you said you hated Hannah Montana. I thought it was mentally traumatizing for you?!” Well, yeah. It fucking was. But that’s why I dress up as her in bed. It makes me feel powerful, like I’m facing my biggest fear. How do you think I got Liam back? That’s right, I enticed him with my blonde wig and sequin outfits. And I sing “Nobody’s Perfect,” all while fucking Liam with my strap-on. That’s right kids, Hannah Fucking Montana wears a strap-on AND is into sado-masochism.

Why am I telling y’all about this? To start a muthafuckin conversation. I need people to know that it’s totally fine to dress up as a pre-teen girl and have really hedonistic sex. Now, the things I’m saying might seem too jarring and aggressive for you, but this is me, this is how I talk. I’m badass and I don’t care what you think. That’s how grownups act, and I’m definitely a fucking grownup.

So don’t make it like it’s weird. We all know you jacked off to me when your little sister used to watch my show. I’m back, and I’m better than ever. Nobody can stop me. So download my new album. It’s free, by the way.

PEOPLE WHO NICKI MINAJ SHOULD DRAG

BY GRIND ALL

Nicki Minaj has been killing it lately dragging people starting with her earliest victim Taylor Swift and most recently Miley Cyrus. Here’s my list of the people I think she should drag next and why.

Who: Donald Trump
Why: Honestly my biggest problem is with his hair

Who: Barchi
Why: Where is he? He missed convocation, what a dick move.

Who: The bus driver who closed the door on me
Why: FUCK YOU MAN I’M A TINY LITTLE GIRL I COULD’VE FIT BITCH

Who: Iggy Azalea
Why: I can’t understand a word she fucking says when she “raps”

Who: ABP
Why: They are fucking out of mac and cheese every time I go in there. Fuck you guys that’s the only reason anyone goes there what the hell.

Who: John Cena
Why: We don’t do memes in The Medium

EMMA WATSON AT THE UN

Volume XLVIII Issue III

BY FEMINIST-MARXIST: STAFF WRITER

NEW YORK CITY – Harry Potter star Emma Watson gave a speech on September 20th about feminism and introduced her new initiative #HeForShe at the United Nations. The British ac­tress began her fight for women’s rights by quoting Dumbledore: “[Feminism is] the belief that witches and wizards should have equal rights and opportunities. It is the theory of the political, eco­nomic and social equality of the sexes.”

After masterfully deceiving the UN Women’s Committee that her priorities lie in the right place, the real reason behind Ms. Watson’s involvement surfaced in the speech. She burst out: “I wanted to be Harry Potter!,” suddenly waking up everyone that was falling asleep.

Albeit, Watson’s task was not easy. Speaking about women who are stoned to death for surviving rape or the practices of genital mutilation, her struggle not to call out any country by name was real. This was exasperated by the fact that all countries in the world are members of the UN.

But not everyone was akin to Watson’s speech; an anony­mous hacker group threatened to publish her nude photos online. And we all thought Watson was doing so well in not joining Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus in the Child Stars Gone Wild club. Watson might want to consider using magic to fix gender equality, because we all know muggles are incapable of that sort of thing.