By: Pope Francis
Do you all know what it’s like to be surrounded by non-masturbators? The Vatican is crawling with men who haven’t cum in a Kleenex since they were 13. I have nothing to say about the Nuns, though. I know what they really do with Rome’s homeless when they’re out doing that “missionary” bullshit. The other day Sister muff came back and wiped some questionable liquid from her chin. I know she hates milk because she doesn’t shut the fuck up about it whenever we get ice cream. My point is, someone’s population paste ended up on her face.
As I was saying, all you men have to choke your chickens, whether they’re uncircumcised or the typical mushroom shape favored in America. Every day I try to preach to the masses outside and it stresses me out. You know what helps? Releasing 500 million little shits into the bedsheets. I’m pretty sure there were a few black ones in their last time, but I don’t know what the hell that was about.
My point is, rubbing one or two or three out a day will help you. Maybe you are worried about God disapproving, but don’t worry. God came to me in the form of a ghost last night and told me that it is now okay. It was definitely God the father who spoke to me, I am sure of it. So you all have a green light to cum at your leisure.
However, I do have one request. Do not involve choir boys in your masturbation. The Church is already dealing with a lot of scandals regarding them. I know that they keep their mouths open and stare at you and sing. You have to think, “who wouldn’t want to fuck that?” But please, refrain for the good of the Church. God wants it that way. Amen.