Tag Archives: Masturbation

For Fuck’s Sake, You All Need to Masturbate

By: Pope Francis


Do you all know what it’s like to be surrounded by non-masturbators? The Vatican is crawling with men who haven’t cum in a Kleenex since they were 13. I have nothing to say about the Nuns, though. I know what they really do with Rome’s homeless when they’re out doing that “missionary” bullshit. The other day Sister muff came back and wiped some questionable liquid from her chin. I know she hates milk because she doesn’t shut the fuck up about it whenever we get ice cream. My point is, someone’s population paste ended up on her face. 

As I was saying, all you men have to choke your chickens, whether they’re uncircumcised or the typical mushroom shape favored in America. Every day I try to preach to the masses outside and it stresses me out. You know what helps? Releasing 500 million little shits into the bedsheets. I’m pretty sure there were a few black ones in their last time, but I don’t know what the hell that was about.

My point is, rubbing one or two or three out a day will help you. Maybe you are worried about God disapproving, but don’t worry. God came to me in the form of a ghost last night and told me that it is now okay. It was definitely God the father who spoke to me, I am sure of it. So you all have a green light to cum at your leisure. 

However, I do have one request. Do not involve choir boys in your masturbation. The Church is already dealing with a lot of scandals regarding them. I know that they keep their mouths open and stare at you and sing. You have to think, “who wouldn’t want to fuck that?” But please, refrain for the good of the Church. God wants it that way. Amen.

Joe Rogan Changes Name to J.O. Rogan

By J.O. Rogan, Comedian, Podcaster, Bowhunter, UFC Commentator, Masturbator

Hello freak bitches!

If you’ve ever listened to a stand up special of mine, an episode of my podcast, or read my previous column here promoting the miracle benefits of jenkem, then you know that I am QUITE the aficionado in using chemical substances to naturally alter the limiting constraints of our consciousness. It can get pretty messy out there in the California wilderness with my Barrett M82, perforating elk skull after elk skull into a pulpy hamburger sludge of pink mist and viscera with point blank .50 BMG shots to the temple, so even a comfortably wealthy man like myself needs a calming breather once in a while!

Normally using my sensory deprivation tank, which is unfortunately offline, I had to find alternative methods of relaxation. You see, for all of these years, I have withheld an unfortunate truth from my fans; I am a father of three who has never fucked or came in his 52 years of existence. I’ve had a few close call dates and felt myself edging when I held a serrated Gerber survival knife to a mother pronghorn deer’s abdomen, but never do I ever recall climax. My eldest is a stepdaughter, and my other two children were gestated in the room-temperature waters of my wife’s sensory deprivation tank, unperturbed to the pains of existence.

Never do I recall, that is, until now. I was driving the Model S Elon lent me on autopilot when a funny thing happened; I was looking for a new set of brass kettlebells on discount, when the search bar autocorrected to Brazzers. A euphoric tingle arose in my jeans on the PCH, and I anomalously felt ever so compelled to rub upon this tingle, up and down, again and again. And again. And again. And again. And again, until I felt my ego collapse upon itself in a profoundly vicious explosion of equanimitous light and nirvana. What the fuck? How was I this ignorant for this long? Why was I led astray all these years down the futile hedonic treadmill toward drugs, when one has existed right beneath my waist, accessible at all times? 

Why have the Feds criminalized good, upstanding citizens like Pee Wee Herman and Louis C.K. for doing so in movie theaters, parking lots, potted plants, hotel room doorways, or wherever they choose to exercise their inalienable human rights in this Constitutional democracy? That’s like, fucked man. We live in a society that passes one sanction after another to outlaw fun, open honesty about issues, and simple, innately human pleasures. That’s why I am protesting this state sanctioned oppression by legally changing my name from Joeseph James Rogan to J.O.eseph J.ames RO.gan, and that’s why I am filing with the state of California to do so. After I get this petition to remove my name off the registry, that is. You can support my legal fees with Cashapp, but in the meantime, train by day, jerk by night, all day!

Couple Finally Married 5 Years After one Caught the Other Masturbating in Dorm

By Heywood Jablomi
Not Actually Asking, thanks


Wedding bells filled the air on Sunday morning when Richard Freeman and Tom Johnson became Misters Richard and Tom Freeman-Johnson in a quaint little ceremony upstate. Despite the ceremony and reception going of fairly well, as per usual, there were issues behind the scenes. On top of having to change photographers three times, drunk relatives, and mismatching flowers, Freeman refused to let his best friend of how he met his new husband.

Richard and Tom were roommates in their sophomore year of college. At first, it just seemed like they were gonna be two guys who shared a space, but they’d never create that special bond some roommates have. They were a little awkward around each other, and didn’t talk much. “It was like there was this barrier between us,” Tom reported, “and neither of us could really break it down. I was on my side and he was on his side, we said bye when we left and hi when we came back and that was about it.”

That barrier went right down, however, when Richard finally decided he was comfortable and horny enough to jerk off one fateful Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, Tom came back earlier than Richard expected, and caught him with his pants on the floor and his dick in his hands. “It was then I knew he was the one,” Tom told us. Sunday was the five-year anniversary of that night, and they thought it fitting to have their ceremony on the same day. Their parents and most of their friends are blissfully unaware of how they first got together.

Fruits Ranked from Most to Least Fuckable

#30- Small fruits: Automatic disqualification for fruits smaller than your dick. Which I suppose might be smaller than average assuming you’re desperate enough to fuck a fruit.
Honorable Mention- Bananas: While you can’t put your dick in it, you can put it up your ass, and in some cases that’s almost as good. Also an honorable mention because bananas are actually berries (not that that’ll stop me from putting anything on this godforsaken listicle)
#26- Durian: Literally the worst. Spiky, smelly, and what the fuck is all that shit on the inside? Stay the fuck away.
#25- Pineapple: Spiky and its juices will digest your dick. Seriously, stay away from the demon fruit unless you’re incredibly masochistic.
#24- Jackfruit: Same problems as the durian, it’s spiky and got a weird inside.
#23- Custard Apple: I’ve never seen this before, but it looks similar to a durian, just less spiky on the inside. I think this ranks as “unusable”, but if anyone wants to give it a try, be my guest.
#22- Passion fruit: Your dick probably wouldn’t fit in here and even so the texture’s probably pretty weird. It only makes the list so I could make a pun about the word “passion”.
#21- Avocados: These things are technically fruits, but just barely. This fucking thing wouldn’t even work, you’ve gotta cut it open to get the seed out and at that point it’s already worthless. Just keep your sweaty dick out of this one and ask your mom to make some guac out of it. Apricots have the same problem, just don’t bother.
#20- Carambola: What the fuck is a carambola? Honestly, this might be worse than an avocado because of its weird shape, I’m just putting it up here because at least I know avocados and I can’t be fucked to rewrite anything. Just like you can’t be fucked by a normal human being, fruit freak. Actually, lump cherimoyas in here too, I don’t know what it is but it’s probably terrible.
#19- Pomegranate: This is literally just a giant seed pod. Maybe you could get some pleasure out of the friction? Probably not.
#18- Papaya: Their skin’s a little thicker than pomegranates, so it might be alright if you’ve got a micropenis. Of course, everything else below is probably better in every respect, so just make a smoothie or something out of the papaya and try to control your depraved urges
#17- Nectarine: Texture’s probably on par with melons if you microwave them, but it also has that giant seed inside, don’t even bother.
#16- Plum: Goddamn, what is with all these fruits having giant pits in the middle?
#15- Peach: Has the same problem as the nectarine and plum. It only outranks it because of the connotations attached to peaches.
#14- Coconuts: Big enough, but it’s got a weird texture and it’s also hollow.
#13- Apples. This one’s not great, it’s small and the flesh is incredibly hard. Just eat it, maybe do something healthy for once.
#12- Pear: Pretty much the same as an apple, except it looks like a ballsack. Mentally rearrange the two if that’s not what you’re into.
#11- Breadfruit: Again, I don’t know what the fuck this is. I’m just assuming it’s better than an apple.
#10- Figs: I have actually never eaten a fig before. It’s probably not much better than an apple, but it’s probably not worse either. I’d tell you to contact me if you try this out and determine an actual, experimental order, but chances are I don’t want to know you if you’re the kind of person who does this.
#9- Orange: So you could probably microwave this and cut a hole in it and fuck that? I’m not sure exactly how well it would work what with the slices and all, I’d just recommend eating an orange instead of trying to fuck it. Actually, I’d recommend eating any of these, but that’s not what you’re here for. You sick fuck.
#8- Kiwi: Skin might be a bit uncomfortable, but the texture probably feels alright. Of course, far superior to fucking a fruit would be fucking a New Zealander, but there’s no way a kiwi that isn’t a literal fruit would let you within 100 meters.
#7- Pummelo: Again, I don’t know what this is, it kind of looks like a colorblind kid tried to color in a picture of an orange. It’s decently sized though, so it’s probably alright.
#6- Mango: A bit small, but probably won’t be a problem. I’ve never microwaved one of these so I don’t know how that affects the texture, but it probably has a similar feeling as some more standard fruits. If  you’re too cheap to buy a melon, a mango is probably fine.
#5- Cantaloupe: I’m sure you can’t elope if you’re trying to figure out what fruit to fuck. Seriously, just use your hand like a goddamn normal person, freak.
#4- Honeydew Melon: Probably about the same as the cantaloupe, but it’s green so that automatically puts it on top.
#3- Watermelon: Has anyone tried to fuck a watermelon ever? It would be hard to microwave, but if you’re reading, you might be able to become the first person to fuck a watermelon.
#2- Grapefruits: Old reliable. I assume most of you reading this have already tried this, but it’s a classic and I couldn’t justify not putting it all the way at #2.
#1- Elton John

Man Doing No-Fap November Guilt Ridden and Depressed After Having Wet Dream

BY Ivan Yakinov
Seeking Mail-Order Bride

NEW BRUNSWICK — In a new twist to No Shave November, chronic masturbator Rod Gozinya, has taken on this month to break away from his old habits rather than growing out his nonexistent facial hair. Taking on the challenge of No Fap November, a month where one promises to completely let go of masturbating for an entire 30 days, Gozinya hopes to finally halt his fapping addiction.

“I’ve been jerking it for as long as I can remember, even before I hit puberty. Growing up, I originally had to rely on Macy’s catalogs and my mom’s panty drawer to use as spank material. But once I got high speed internet, it was the beginning of the end for me and my penis” Gozinya said.

Gozinya, who can’t go without jerking it at least 3 times a day and has been arrested several times for public masturbation, has finally decided to turn over a new leaf. He made it through the first couple of days although he claims it wasn’t easy at all; but after the 4th day, he had a wet dream which has left him ridden with guilt and chronically depressed.

“I don’t care if I wasn’t actually stroking my dick, I had a dream where I anally fucked Asa Akira and I just couldn’t hold it in. I essentially still masturbated and it shouldn’t make a difference whether I used my hands or not”.

This wet dream has taken a serious toll on Gozinya, who has now decided to just give up on the no-fap challenge altogether. Gozinya now faps just to deal with the guilt of ruining his own no fapping goal. Trying to cure himself of his depression, he now has plans to start donating to the local sperm bank every couple days.

“I now have a way to use my habit for the good of humanity and get paid for it!”. How long it will take Gozinya to completely get out of his guilt ridden and depressed state remains to be seen but the fact that he’s taking measures to improve himself is definitely a step in the right direction. The only downside is the fact that he might have hundreds of children possibly looking for him as their father in the near future.

Proctortrack Catches Student Mid Jerk-Sesh

BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK— This past week has been hell for most students taking their midterms, but for one student, it was about to get much worse. Andrew Redstein had almost finished his busy week of 4 midterms. He had already finished 3 of them in classic middle-of-the-road student fashion and needed to complete his fourth. The monster set before him was none other than Social Media for the Arts Online, the GPA destroyer for most journalism majors.

Andrew decided to start his exam with all of his attention focused on completing the exam, with some time to spare for the leisure activities he missed out on during his busy week. Unfortunately, he came across one specific question. “Who is the CEO of wordpress.com?” Redstein has an absolute hard-on for online blogs. Andrew took a peek at the time left in his assignment and saw he had enough to rub one out.

After Andrew was finished, he quickly wrapped up his exam and submitted it. It was then he felt his heart sink into his stomach. Andrew had completely forgotten that the anti-cheat software, Proctortrack recorded him taking the exam in his entirety. Andrew is patiently awaiting the results of his exam and promises to swear off masturbation for a full day.

Random Thoughts You Don’t Have (But Probably Should)

BY Latin Mama

1. You may already be having these thoughts (who am I to judge)…

2. Is R. Kelly STILL trapped in that closet? And why has no one called Life Alert yet??

3. What are the actual lyrics to “La Macarena”?? (**I’ve recently discovered that it is not in fact “One Bop-a Two Bop-a Three, Macarena” as I have suspected for years…)

4. If I roll a joint with my notes from class, does that count as studying?

5. What about if I use the textbook pages?? Still no???

6. When will Bernie Sanders (a.k.a. God’s Sweet, Luscious Gift to this Earth) reply to all those erotic letters I sent him?? Postage to VT wasn’t cheap, ya know.

7. What are Gushers made out of? (JK, I don’t wanna know…)

8. How many times can I say the word “onomatopoeia” before it sounds like an Italian person saying “I don’t wanna pee-uh”? (TRY IT)

9. What is the standard weekly rate for masturbation nowadays and should I see a doctor?? (**Asking for a friend)