Hurricane Matthew Sees Debate, Turns Around

BY Grind All
Not Your Bitch

EAST COAST—Anticipating on spending its Christopher Columbus day weekend destroying the East Coast, Hurricane Matthew apparently changed its plans on Sunday night. Sources say while it was passing through South Carolina it saw the second Presidential Debate and suddenly turned around.

“It was like nothing we had ever seen before,” said one weatherman. “All of the sudden the storm seemed to be going in reverse as fast as possible, like it was running away from something.”

Sources close to Matthew say it has been planning this storm for quite some time. The storm was supposed to be the worst to hit America since Katrina and was supposed to make to whole east coast feel the wrath of a badass hurricane.

“DID I REALLY JUST SEE THAT?” Hurricane Matthew says “FUCK THAT” and turns around sparring the east coast from destruction

When Matthew was reached for comment, the storm said, “I was aiming to make it all the way up to New England but while I was in South Carolina I happened to look in on the couple of people who still had power and saw the debate,” said the storm. “Oh my god, it was fucking terrible!”

When asked to elaborate it said, “I mean you guys got enough problems I’m just gonna see myself out now” before turning around and heading back towards the Caribbean Islands claiming they could “take it.”

College Ave Bro “Discovers” Livi Burger Bar

BY Grind All
Resident College Ave Bitch

PISCATAWAY—On Monday, October 10, Rutgers senior Christopher Columbo ventured to Livingston Campus to meet up with a fellow Alpha Delta bro for some basketball at the Livingston gym. He ended up arriving a little bit early and decided to grab some food at the Livingston dining hall.

“I had never been there so I figured why not?” said Columbo.

Upon walking into the dining hall Christopher got lost looking for the drinks and stumbled upon the burger bar toward the far right of the dining hall.

“I was just walkin’ and all of the sudden I just bumped into this burger bar!” said Columbo. “And I was like ‘Dude what the hell?! Why doesn’t anyone know about this?!'” It should be noted that this was said whilst disregarding all the young freshmen who stood around the burger bar patiently waiting for their order to be ready.

Columbo immediately began to Snapchat all his friends, tweet a picture of the burger bar, and make a short video on Instagram as well showing off the burger bar. Sources say his caption for all three was “Just discovered this sick burger bar bros! How did no one else find this before? lol #explorer.”

Columbo then began to get the lay of the land. He stood perplexed by the bar before a small freshman stepped up and helped him order off of the touch screen.

Christopher was then seen getting his burger and fries and confidently marching to the table right in front of the bar to eat his food.

In the days following witnesses stated that Columbo’s Instagram, Twitter, and snap story all blew up. Most of the comments included fellow Alpha Delta’s congratulating Columbo on braving such an unknown territory to college students and finding something amazing.

Within hours of the social media posts witnesses started noticing more and more College Ave frat bros hanging around the Livingston dining hall, specifically near the burger bar.

“All of the sudden there were all these guys with giant water jugs and sleeveless shirts” said freshman Lily Parker.

Within the next week the right side of the dining hall was completely overtaken by the College Ave bros and they made sure everyone knew it.

“I found this place!” said Columbo, when asked why he pushed a freshman out of the way in line for the burger bar. “This is our area! We were here first! Why don’t people understand that?”

Freshmen, who used to quietly enjoy the burger bar, are now being forced to give up their buger bar and stay near the salad bar.

“I tried to go over there the other day and it was chaos” said Parker. “All these guys were just cutting in front of everyone excusing themselves by saying that it was only fair because they were here first.”

Christopher and his crew are in talks of renaming the burger bar to the Burger Bro Bar in order to clearly represent the heritage of the bar.

The bros are even thinking about presenting a new holiday for the school board to honor Christopher and his amazing, new discovery.

“Happy” Columbus Day