Weird and random weather occurrences have been plaguing 2019. From freak snow storms before Thanksgiving break to sixty degree sunshine in the middle of February, the weather sure has been chaotic. Some attribute the heavenly freakshow to Global Warming, with the man-made overheating of the Earth causing major side effects. But we all know how dumb of an idea that is- If Earth is hot, why it snow? In reality, the New Brunswick area has become ravaged by a battle of epic proportions. Legendary Pokemon have surfaced from their long slumber underneath the Earth and now are battling each other to see who is the very best in the Tri-State Area.
Most of the melee was happening in less populated, obscure areas of the region- which is why Douglass is as ravaged as it looks now. But that was not enough, the Legendary Pokemon have now shifted their attention towards the heart of New Brunswick, College Ave Campus. Third Generation Legendaries Groudon, Kyogre, and Rayquaza had an all out Royal Rumble this weekend, leading to intense weather anomalies. Groudon took his place on top of Brower, leaving the outer area to be a charred by his fire attacks. Kyogre took to the student center, spraying the surrounding area with his water attacks. Rayquaza, the queen bitch she is, just watched from the sky and cackled time to time, which caused random lightning strikes.
Meteorologist and Pokemon trainer, Professor Oak, had this to say: “The battles these legendary Pokemon are taking part in is seriously messing up the ecosystem of this part of the world. Whenever Ho-Oh flies over us, he immediately tears through the sky causing hot summer heat in the middle of the Winter. Articuno has been having a field day this year, just randomly appearing and bringing blizzards with it. We have been trying to predict when the next Pokemon battle or appearance will happen, but it really is up in the air. We have been consulting the Pokemon Wiki in order to find each Pokemon appearance rate and percentages, but it has not done us any good yet.”
Many would be trainers and enthusiast have brought it upon themselves to catch these Pokemon and reign them in before there is even more chaos and destruction. Equipped with their novelty Pokeball and Generation Four distance tracker, these heroic trainers are getting ready to grind in tall grass to get their starter Pokemon ready for the task. Foolish Pokemon Go players have also been enraptured by the prospects of Legendary Pokemon, but thankfully they get blown away each time they ran at the Pokemon with their phones out. To the trainers out there, good luck with your adventure forward, and try not to get pummeled by MewTwo.
NEW BRUNSWICK—The unseasonably warm weather has cheered up many students who have been struggling through midterms this week. Some students have taken the opportunity to go outside, enjoy some fresh air, and frolic among the many construction sites on campus.
“I love the smell of sunshine and fresh air,” says freshman biology major Catherine Barnett. She then closed her eyes and took a deep breath of fresh air, all whilst standing on top of a mound of dirt on Busch campus surrounded by chain link fence and orange cones. “I am in love with this weather. The breeze feels lovely and it’s finally warm. It feels like spring!”
As the gentle breeze blew a fine, red-brown layer of dust from the incomplete construction project into Barnett’s hair, she pranced over to go and climb a nearby JCB tractor. According to Barnett, climbing trees has always been one of her favorite springtime activities. However, on a day as nice as this, she would happily settle for some heavy machinery that isn’t being used to construct anything.
“It’s supposed to be nice all week,” Barnett says, tapping her shoes together to knock off the thin layer of caked on clay. “I’ll probably be out here with friends all week! Tomorrow, we’re going to throw the frisbee around all those industrial pumps and piping equipment. I can’t wait!”
All over campus, students are sharing similar stories of warm-weather joy while they play on unused construction equipment. Rutgers planning officials are optimistic that the construction sites will be around for students to enjoy for years to come.
Summer is over and the weather is getting colder. Good time to get yourself a significant other so you have someone to snuggle up with during the upcoming frigid months, right? Wrong! That’s a moronic idea, because love is a fabrication invented by big business to sell products! Sounds like a load of horseshit right? How little you know.
Does this scenario sound familiar to you? You’re in a long term relationship with someone you get along really well with. You’re essentially best friends except you fuck each other. He or she is perfect for you and you can’t imagine your life without them. It must be love, right? It has to be, you love your partner. But then you break up, often for a superficial or trivial reason. You feel sad for a bit but get over it and date someone else.
Essentially, love is fragile, temporary, and meaningless, according to the average experience of your fellow man/woman/whatever. Do you know why real life romantic experiences are the exact opposite of societal expectations of love and romance? Because there’s no such thing.
The truth is that what’s motivating you to date and marry and all that bullshit is a biological need to reproduce and to ensure that your future babies have both their parents.
But claiming that you married your wife because you “love” her sounds a whole lot less shallow than saying you married her because she’s got a nice rack for feeding your babies, or that your boyfriend is “the one” because he stuck with you for three months.
Don’t feel bad about being single. It could just mean you’re truly awake.
EAST COAST—Anticipating on spending its Christopher Columbus day weekend destroying the East Coast, Hurricane Matthew apparently changed its plans on Sunday night. Sources say while it was passing through South Carolina it saw the second Presidential Debate and suddenly turned around.
“It was like nothing we had ever seen before,” said one weatherman. “All of the sudden the storm seemed to be going in reverse as fast as possible, like it was running away from something.”
Sources close to Matthew say it has been planning this storm for quite some time. The storm was supposed to be the worst to hit America since Katrina and was supposed to make to whole east coast feel the wrath of a badass hurricane.
When Matthew was reached for comment, the storm said, “I was aiming to make it all the way up to New England but while I was in South Carolina I happened to look in on the couple of people who still had power and saw the debate,” said the storm. “Oh my god, it was fucking terrible!”
When asked to elaborate it said, “I mean you guys got enough problems I’m just gonna see myself out now” before turning around and heading back towards the Caribbean Islands claiming they could “take it.”
It’s evident that the Rutgers bus system is not adequate for the sheer size of a school such as this. During trying times, the next available bus can be as far as an hour away, by which point your deadline would be long gone, along with your confidence in the Scarlet transportation system. However, when you are able to get on, you’re squished into a roaring sea of your exasperated peers, and you pray that the bus driver takes their lefts slow, else you’ll fall into the lap of your one classmate who asks the most idiotic questions, and you’ve done such a great job of avoiding eye contact up until this point.
These problems are amplified when the weather is on its worst behavior, which seems to be twice a week in central Jersey. So, without further ado, I’d like to present to you, the reader, my solution to Rutgers’ transportation problem:
The Rutgers’ bus system will run as normal, with the exception of one bus. The bus driver of this particular bus will, whenever possible, take a bus at its max capacity, and drive it off the bridge into the Raritan.
I believe this amendment to the bus system will assist in creating a more efficient and friendly bus system for multiple reasons.
It will, overtime, reduce the total number of students attending Rutgers, allowing for safer, and more comfortable, bus rides for students and faculty.
It will increase student morale, as student’s will grow appreciative of modern technology and how it is able to perform miracles, such as transporting them from one location to another without driving off a bridge.
Students will consider using alternate methods of transportation.
In conclusion, I’d like to thank you for considering my plan, and I hope to see Rutgers implement it, or a variation of the original, in the very near future.
Seriously, what the fuck is going on. Don’t think I don’t see the tweets, the Facebook posts, and don’t even get me started about fucking Tumblr. What is the new damn obsession with October? “OMG October time for the leaves to change colors, pumpkin spiced lattes and sweaters I’m so happy.” Fuck you and fuck the leaves. When the leaves change colors they die! They change like a wrinkled old fuck shitting themselves and then they die. What’s so great about that. You can wear a sweater anytime you want and pretty soon they will have pumpkin spiced bullshit starting in that bastard month August.
Remember your old pal November? The times we’ve always had. I always deliver on my promises of good times and happy memories. But October, sorry I’m just not sold. October is the beginning of the bullshit weather changes. You know you wake up to go to work in the morning at 33 degrees and by noon it’s 75. Now you’re stuck wearing goddamn pants. I wouldn’t jerk you around like that. No, November will let you know what to expect, I’ll tell you straight up: “Hey, wear a coat all day, even when you’re taking a shit,” because I am the month that cares.
Even Halloween is some downright bullshit cock sucking pile of wrongness. When do you have fun during Halloween? At night! Okay so now we are on the right path. So by the time you have a couple of drinks in you and are hooking up with that cutie you saw walking down Mine Street, it is FUCKING NOVEMBER! That’s my credit, my score, and October has nothing to do with it. Even when you were a kid, I bet you thought trick or treating was fun. Sure you get a pillowcase full of candy, but when do you eat the majority of the candy? November! You just ended up with a stomach ache and your step mom yelling at you for staying out too late in October.
I’m not trying to say I’m the best. We all know December is the shit. But I have Thanksgiving. Football, the parade, mindless murder of hundreds of thousands of turkeys, all great values you were born and raised on. So next time you want to post a meme about October with some cat with a pumpkin around its fucking head, think how wrong you are.
I know kids we are all growing up and it’s fucking scary, but never fear! We at The Medium are here to help you make that transition into adulthood.
1. Your main drink of choice is now beer. You thirsty? You hungover? Grab a fucking beer you pussy. You’re an adult now, other beverages don’t exist.
2. Get ready to start talking about the weather all the fucking time. I don’t care if you actually don’t give a shit about the weather, this is adult 101.
3. Start using more sophisticated words like “mortgage” and “briefcase”. It’s okay if you don’t have either of these items or even know how a mortgage works. It’ll just make you sound smart.
4. You’re now gonna have to squint and hold your phone like a foot from your face every time you get a text. Even if you can see it fine up close, the essential adult look is squinting at a phone a foot away from your face.
5. Actually enjoy watching sports like golf????? And maybe even golfing!!!! I know it’s wicked fucking boring but adults do this shit because their body can’t do much else. This will be you someday. Old and loving golf.