Tag Archives: dick

5 Pieces of Advice from a Guy Struggling to Open a Jar of Pickles

1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*

2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”

3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*

4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”

5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*

Badminton Players Fuck Each Other in the Ass With Rackets

BY Sue DeNimm
Obscure Sports Reporter

PISCATAWAY—Things got out of control Wednesday during the Thomas Cup tournament when the players of the Denmark vs. England match suddenly arranged in a circle, bent over, and shoved their rackets up the anal cavity of the player to their left.

It was toward the end of the second game of the match when the incident occurred, according to sources.

“The game was going fine, until they all just started fucking in the middle of a volley”, said court referee Matthew Wilson.

The players all seemed to be focused on the game, until the Denmark server Joachim

Fischer Nielsen yelled “IN POSITION!”, signaling all the players for the back-end racket shuttlecock clusterfuck.

Audience members were left stunned, and parents quickly jumped to cover their children’s eyes so as to not subject them to the optimized view of the exposed buttocks.

Refs scrambled to try to pry the rackets out of the players’ anuses, but to no avail.

The buff, well-toned athletes outmuscled the refs and were completely unphased by their attempts to stop the robot-like fuckery, coldly persisting in their coordinated, smooth, back-and-forth shoving motions.

The ass blasting eventually stopped after 15 minutes when the players simultaneously returned to their team positions, using the bloody rackets to hit the shuttlecock during the same volley.

Half of the audience was gone by the time the players started up again, leaving approximately 6 people watching the rest of the game.

“It wasn’t the craziest Badminton game I’ve ever seen,” said long time fan Ernie Johnson.