I AM SO SORRY
BY Bill Clinton’s Penis
I. AM. SO. SORRY. I can’t help it. I just love being in mouths, asses and vaginas. They’re warm and moist. I love feeling myself get thrust in and out of them. I love coming out covered in saliva or the juices of whatever intern I just entered. It just feels so fucking good. Monica’s mouth was so wet, and it was even wetter and stickier when I left it. God, just thinking about that makes me drip precum. Hillary’s vagina is pretty great too, but it just got old you know? I knew that thing like the back of my scrote. Every single day it was the same thing in there. I could describe it in perfect detail. Then of course, one day I poke myself in there, and there’s a fetus in the way, so of course I was going to move on. I wanted something new, and not so full of baby.
So yeah, I moved onto other women’s holes. They were new, a vacation from Hillary’s cooch. I loved that sense of adventure when I first spelunked inside those caves. It was great. I was addicted. I was inside every chick from Little Rock to Washington. It was so fucking great. I miss those days.
But really I’m sorry, it might have been fun but it was wrong. I shouldn’t have been poking around in those meat purses. I should have stuck to Hillary’s flesh taco. To be fair though, it wasn’t really my fault. I may have given Bill’s brain up there the urge to be placed in something warm and moist, but in the end, it’s not up to me to make the decisions. I just get placed into what Bill wants me to be placed into. So I’m sorry, but at the same time it’s not my fault, it’s all on Bill’s brain and his thighs. I don’t make the decisions, he does.
I AM MORE SORRY THAN HIM
BY Donald Trump’s Mouth
I am so much more sorry than that fucker up there. You think he has it bad with Bill’s brain? I’ve got to deal with this orange Cheeto’s brain 24/7. Even when he sleeps, he’s opening me up, and having me spout out racist, sexist, bigoted gibberish. If I have to say big league one more fucking time? I’m actually going to say bigly. Seriously, every single fucking time he opens me up, I’m forced to say something that if I had a brain I’d never say. The other day I actually said that I wanted to jail my opponent. That’s fucking dictatorial. We live in America and I actually mouthed those words. I can’t fucking believe it.
On top of that, he keeps trying to place me in places I don’t want to fucking go. The other day I had to wrap myself around Vladimir Putin’s cock. Do you know how shitty that was? I didn’t want that. Why couldn’t I be anyone else’s mouth? Seriously, I’d rather be Helen Keller’s mouth at this point, at least then the misery would be over.
I am so fucking sorry for everything that has happened over the past few years. I didn’t want to say any of it, I was forced to against my will. If I had my way, we’d be talking about repairing our nation through the power of songs. I want to be free. I am so sorry for it all. Please forgive me, and me alone, not the Oompa Loompa I’m sewn onto. And if you can’t forgive me, at least put me out of my misery.
BY Grind All
Not Your Bitch
EAST COAST—Anticipating on spending its Christopher Columbus day weekend destroying the East Coast, Hurricane Matthew apparently changed its plans on Sunday night. Sources say while it was passing through South Carolina it saw the second Presidential Debate and suddenly turned around.
“It was like nothing we had ever seen before,” said one weatherman. “All of the sudden the storm seemed to be going in reverse as fast as possible, like it was running away from something.”
Sources close to Matthew say it has been planning this storm for quite some time. The storm was supposed to be the worst to hit America since Katrina and was supposed to make to whole east coast feel the wrath of a badass hurricane.
When Matthew was reached for comment, the storm said, “I was aiming to make it all the way up to New England but while I was in South Carolina I happened to look in on the couple of people who still had power and saw the debate,” said the storm. “Oh my god, it was fucking terrible!”
When asked to elaborate it said, “I mean you guys got enough problems I’m just gonna see myself out now” before turning around and heading back towards the Caribbean Islands claiming they could “take it.”
BY Raul Walker
In the raging tire fire that is the 2016 Presidential Election, a shocking revelation came after the announcement of the Vice Presidential Debate. On the periphery of the fire, the two Vice Presidential candidates found themselves to be indiscernible in the eyes of the voters. A codependent poll has shown that a shocking 2 percent of Americans can accurately match the correct Vice Presidential nominee to their Presidential counterpart. The rest of the public has been left in a frenzy trying to determine who to label as a “racist fanatical bigot” and who is the “baby eating traitor to freedom”. Confusion has only compounded as photos of the two sub-candidates began circulating in preparation for their debate. “The overwhelming whiteness of the two really makes them hard to tell apart.” said six year sophomore Martin Straighte. “It’s like you try to look at Kaine’s face and all you see is Trump’s orange glow, you look at Pence’s face and all you see is the red blood of the innocent Americans Hillary let die.”
Both Kaine and Pence have commented on this issue and confessed that they have been having the same issue. “After the debate, I actually went onto Trump’s bus by mistake” recalled Senator Tim Kaine, “We went a fourth of the way to Ohio before anyone of us noticed, Pence was there too and we all just let it ride.”
Pence commented that “I thought I was supposed to be with Hillary. I just saw Trump falling all over himself at the debate and struggled to remember ‘Was this the guy who asked me to run with him?’ luckily I ended up being right. However Kaine being on the bus threw me for a loop.”
BY Walter Cronkite Jr.
ATLANTA—A recent CNN poll found most people now find indifferent acceptance toward strangers too much of a burden, and instead lean toward uninformed hatred of anyone who could possibly pose a threat to their insulated lifestyle.
“We were quite shocked at the results. Of all the levels of acceptance, tolerance is probably lowest on the totem poll,” said CNN lead researcher Krista Henson. “It’s not like everyone is expected to love and embrace one another. I always thought tolerance was a pretty low bar.”
According to a nationwide poll, 83 percent of people find going about their day and simply smiling at and moving on from the people they encounter too difficult. Plus, 79 percent of people believe they cannot resist letting their irrational emotions guide their thoughts.
“Yeah I know I should put a fake smile on my face when I’m sitting next people that look different than me, but I just want to yell at them for taking our jobs and doing all the drugs,” said Dennis Norwood, 35, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Researchers also found many Americans believe others should conform to their way of life, and see individuality as a personal threat.
The poll also found 93 percent of people not only expect tolerance, but also respect. However, this same demographic believes respect is earned and that others should not be respected if they are not respected first.
In addition, pollsters found those calling for peace and love do not realize they are asking for way too much, and that tolerance will accomplish the same goal of harmony amongst people.
“Why the hell would I tolerate others,” said Jamie Robinson, 49, of Sacramento, California. “I already tolerate my friends and family. It’s fine if I hate other people for no reason. You don’t see anybody tolerating me. Plus, I’m already nice enough. I can tolerate someone and belittle that person at the same time. What’s the difference?”
Of those polled who thought tolerance was simple, they reported to get along better with people and live more fulfilling lives, though they admitted to feeling guilty for doing something so “easy” and “clearly right.”
Most damningly, the poll found 99 percent of individuals do not fully understand what tolerance is, and how it differs from being condescending and closed-minded.
BY Grind All
BOSTON- Sources report that a local Massachusetts woman, Sally O’Connell, decided to change her vote for the President of the United States after she saw a friend from high school’s compelling Facebook post after the debate on Monday.
“I watched the debate but I waited until I checked my Facebook feed to make my decision. I knew my Facebook friends, regardless of their knowledge on the nation, had my back and would totally tell me in an unbiased manner what went on in the debate” said O’Connell in a statement to the press.
While watching the debate O’Connell understood all the issues that were brought up and even had multiple conversations with the people around her about the policies each candidate was proposing. She reportedly waited until the debate was over and then took to Facebook to see what all her friends from high school, who she hasn’t talked to in 20 years, thought about the candidates.
“Midway through the debate I really liked Hillary, just through my own opinion. She’s talking about raising taxes on the rich which I really believe in” said O’Connell who spent a majority of her time in college on the student government.
After the debate O’Connell opened Facebook and began reading the posts from her friends.
“I saw posts from friends that were lawyers, doctors, even politicians but it was a friend from high school. I haven’t seen in probably 20 years and I don’t think they ever left our state. Actually I don’t think they ever left our small town. But boy do they know how to throw around convincing words like ‘evil’, ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’, and ‘bitch’. It really changed my mind”
After reading this particular post O’Connell’s whole outlook on the election changed.
“To hell with my own opinion which was formulated through critical thinking! This guy’s 5th grade language and use of an Odyssey article has completely changed my mind on the matter.”
O’Connell would like to thank her old friend from high school for publicly displaying their opinion, that no one asked for, in attempt to insert themselves in a conversation that they know virtually nothing about.
This is the first reported case of someone changing his or her vote after reading a Facebook post, but reports from across the country show many following O’Connell’s lead.