Arts: Livi-Chan

Arts: Frog of the Week

Spring 2020 Obituaries

Notable Medium editor Samuel Hammer died this week from complications with Civilization VI. Hammer, a diligent student, news editor, and sitting pee-er passed away last week just turns away from a narrow victory in the popular nerd game. Hammer suffered a blood clot to the brain after moving to take a fat rip from his dab pen after sitting still and playing the game for 39 hours straight. He was making a run as Ghandi and was about to overtake Cypress to gain a significant seaport when he slumped from his couch to the floor. Hammer will be remembered most fondly by his mom, dad, girlfriend Kelly, and secret lover only embraced by moonlight, Dan. He was found 36 hours after his death, corpse half eaten by his dog Gracie. Police are ruling Hammer’s death natural causes, albeit embarrassingly nerdy ones. Sam has bequeathed all of his worldly possessions to his star-crossed lover Dan, which includes an Arizer HQ dry herb vaporizer, one of those nerdy glow in the dark Alienware laptops, 1,000 history books, a goblet made from human teeth, and an anime body pillow. A service for Hammer will be held in his hometown of Ridgefield Park and will be open for any to attend next week, so long as they follow social distancing guidelines.

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Dhvani Mashru was born June 11, 1998 to a Mr. and Mrs. Mashru. She attended Rutgers University studying business. After long days of attending class, she would grace us at The Medium with her beauty, kindness, and amazing works of art. One will never know how she came up with such creative ideas. Perhaps it was her vegan diet that powered her brain to maximum efficiency, or maybe it was her consistent inebriation that fueled her most fantastic works. Sadly, as the world isolated itself due to the COVID-19 pandemic, she herself became sick from this fatal disease.On her final day, Dhvani took some puffs of that sweet sweet ganja and went out to get the only known antidote for COVID-19. As she walked around the side of the building to get her secret supply, she heard a noise from above. As she turned her head upward, she was struck in the face with a large head of lettuce. The impact was too much to bear, and her neck snapped underneath its force. She was dead on site. We here at The Medium miss our Arts Editor very much and to bring us solace we remember: she died as she lived, high as a kite and a face full of vegetables.

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Brendan Suszynski has sadly passed away at an unknown date during the summer. He locked himself in his apartment during a week in late August to do his final duty as our personals editor, preparing exactly 4,200 entries for us to use over the rest of the decade. Brendan disclosed that he had contracted COVID-19, and wanted to take the mandatory isolation as an opportunity to “finish what he had started”. Unfortunately, his quest will remain forever unfinished- evidently, several of his less-than-favorable personals had been inspired by a “Throbbin Williams”, who took great offense to the insults on his character, appearance, philosophy, family, hair, tastes in media, political opinions, clothing, social media presence, choice of major, and refusal to wear a mask. Williams broke into Brendan’s apartment and assassinated him, stabbing him 23 times and then crushing him under a heavy piece of room. Williams promised to sue The Medium for every penny we had, which is none, but Brendan’s virus-riddled body managed to infect his killer, and he died of the infection shortly after. We’re pleased to reveal that there is now no one stopping us from posting his final personals, and his sacrifice will not be in pain. He is survived by the replacement personals editor, Conor.

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Vickram Singh, 22, sadly left this mortal plain in May, but we’re just hearing about it now. Vickram served us well as Editor-in-Chief while also writing for a professional magazine and getting high all the time. Unfortunately, Vickram contracted a strain of COVID-19 that was known to be terminal. Despite all of the warnings about possibly spreading the disease to others, Vickram left his death bed to enjoy his final hours by flying to Las Vegas for a David Bowie cover concert, but not before getting Bowie’s signature lightning bolt tattooed on his face. Sadly, it was at this concert that Vickram was trampled to death beneath the crowd and possibly transmitted COVID-19 to the entire Western United States. He is survived by his replacement Editor-in-Chief, Quinn.

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Mike Celetti, our beloved video producer and former Opinions editor unfortunately passed away 4 months ago and his loved ones didn’t care enough to pay for an obituary until now. He was a great man with many passions such as having sex with his PC, playing Dungeons and Dragons like the goddamn loser he is, and other sexual activities involving his PC. It is not who he was that is important, but how he died that his family really wanted us to share. It was midday on a Thursday, Mike was having sex with his PC for 3 hours and was tired after realizing he was unable to finish due to the lack of Playstation exclusive games it included on its roster. When he decided to cut his losses and pull out, he was horrified to realize that he was stuck in his PC. he could have gone to a doctor, but Mike believed he was smarter than them. Instead, he decided to slap some WD-40 on that shit, but to no avail. This was his life now. Half man, half computer. This happened in 2016, it wasn’t till 4 years later that he met his demise. It was May 2020, Mike was now comfortable with his new life, he was hosting a D&D session as a part of a volunteer group to help former murderers find other ways to let out their violent tendencies. During the session, Mike accidentally triggered a manic episode in one of his party members by yelling “you will do my bidding!!!” in a squeaky elf voice, that the man later claimed sounded like his abusive mother, causing the man to slaughter everyone in sight. Mike fortunately survived, but was diagnosed with Covid-19 in the hospital and died even with his boosted immune system from the McAfee anti-virus software he had installed. He will surely be missed.

Rutgers Professor Retires to Avoid Learning Canvas

New Brunswick, NJ – Rutgers English Professor Paul Buchanon, 73, fought in 3 wars, survived a tsunami, and beat cancer 4 times, but claims that switching his classes over from Sakai to Canvas would be “just too taxing.” He would rather retire, or so he states in an open letter to the staff and student body of Rutgers. “The mere thought of turning on my computer, pressing one button, and then a few more buttons, is so repulsive to me that I would rather end my career now,” he writes. 

Buchanon is a devoted member of the organization Curmudgeons Against Tech, a group of mostly grumpy octogenarians who have no real arguments against the internet; they just don’t like the thing. They have met every Wednesday at 4 p.m. for the last ten years, except for this last year in which they have not met at all because they refuse to use Zoom. Buchanon believes that his fellow group members would approve of his impromptu retirement. However, he can’t be sure because they are unreachable. 

Conflicts with Rutgers are not unusual for Professor Buchanon. When asked for comment, the University recalled Buchanon’s revolt when they forced him to use Sakai over his dingy HTML website that contained no course material, but rather just one button labeled “GRADE” which students would click to receive a letter grade that may or may not have been intended for them. “He threatened to sue the state of New Jersey”, the University says. The University also adds, “we sincerely regret the premature departure of Professor Buchanon. Psych”.

Rutgers Covid Outbreak Linked to Administrative Dogfighting Ring

By: Throbbin Williams

 

New Brunswick—A recent COVID-19 outbreak at Rutgers University has been linked to an underground dog fighting ring hosted this past weekend by university president Jonathan Holloway. The weekly fights were suspended due to the pandemic in March this year and had resumed earlier this month when the school reopened. The CDC estimates the event is linked to 150 new cases across New Jersey, and that number is expected to rise as we progress through September. The event, dubbed by Holloway as “The Labor Day Labrador Lucha Libre,” was attended by nearly 75 administrators and faculty members, all entering their own canine companion into the bloodbath.

“It was the most packed event I had been to since Barchi hosted the exchange student auction at Comet Ping Pong back in 2017,” a SCI professor who requested to remain anonymous remarked.

University officials close to the event claim that the grand prize to be awarded to the winning trainer was a gift basket including a Kong chew toy, a vintage Champion reverse-weave Rutgers crewneck sweatshirt, an iPad Air, and $550,000 in tuition money. Favored to win the event was legendary football coach Greg Schiano, who will already be paid $4 million this year despite the BIG 10 canceling the 2020 season. However, in a stunning upset Schiano’s pit mix was absolutely eviscerated by Tavy Ronen’s beast of a dog. Ronen is the director of the Center for Business of Fashion at Rutgers Business School.

“Her pooch completely minced my dog,” Schiano told us defeatedly “And it looked stunning doing it, I can’t lie about that.” Ronen’s dog was reportedly dressed in a beautiful lavender feather boa accompanied by a pair of Chanel butterfly sunglasses with a pearl chain attached.

Rutgers has made a statement regarding their contribution to the viral pandemic sent to students and faculty via scarletmail. A portion of the statement reads:

“I mean what the fuck are we supposed to do? Not fight dogs? Rutgers is an institution dedicated to science and research, facts and rational thinking, but all that goes out the window when it comes to the mental health of our administrators and faculty. We already gave up watching our shitty football team get spanked every weekend, we can’t lose this. The Labor Day Labrador Lucha Libre is an event essential to the mental, emotional, and spiritual health of the people who make Rutgers so special; the most important people at this institution: Us.”

The latest report from the CDC says 10 professors are in critical condition at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital due to the event.

Biden: “Can’t Accuse Me of Things I Don’t Remember Doing”

By Harry Nuttsaac

Ahead of the first presidential debate for this year, which will happen on Tuesday, September 29th between Democratic candidate and incumbent Donald Trump, the challenging candidate is attempting to improve the general public’s view of him. In a statement released yesterday, Biden sought to clarify his stand on various claims being made against him, including eight separate women who have claimed he sexually harassed them and others who say he has made racially insensitive remarks toward them or others. In the video released by Biden’s campaign, the candidate states, “Listen here, everyone. All of you can’t accuse me of things I don’t remember doing, and trust me, that sure is a lot nowadays.”

Biden’s mental fitness is something that has come under fire repeatedly in the last year with people citing many instances of rambling, losing track of his thoughts, and confusing himself for his wife. He isn’t the only one, however, as president Trump took a test that he claimed to be for those of genius IQs (it was a dementia test, that fucking idiot), and his publicity about it has since backfired. We can see the same thing happening with Biden’s statement already, as reporters at CNN asked Biden, “Is this an admission of guilt? Are you saying that you did do the things people are accusing you of?” Biden replied, “That’s a good question, you’re just about as smart as a white guy.”

Many who support Biden fear that these statements might do significant harm to his campaign, which has begun to show strength that has been lacking. Speeches that Biden made regarding the COVID-19 pandemic and Black Lives Matter protests in Kenosha County, WI, have been emotionally moving and intellectually organized, helping put to bed many of the questions about Biden’s mental fitness. However, Biden’s speech yesterday and his followup on Twitter (“Listen here, everyone. I don’t think you all really got the gist of what I was saying. To clarify, what was it that I did say?”) seem to have done some damage to his credibility and will certainly be a question in the debate three weeks out.

Man Discovers Photo of Long Lost Identical Twin with Same Name, Living at Same Address, No Wait it’s Just Him

*Readers may be wondering why I decided to follow this story despite knowing that there was, in fact, no twin. To that I respond: I had a light schedule this week.*

Phoenix, AZ – On Thursday evenings, Fred Arnold can usually be found seated at his usual table in a Buffalo Wild Wings, where he goes to just look at wings, as he is vegan. But this last Thursday was different because, as Arnold was leaving his house, he noticed what looked like a photo lying facedown on the sidewalk. He picked it up and took note of an old, blurry image of a young man who, much to his surprise, looked just like him. He had no recollection of this photo ever being taken, so he assumed it must not be of him. He notified local authorities immediately. 

Despite knowing that, whatever this was, it was not an emergency, local authorities arrived hastily on the scene. This was mostly because they, too, had a light schedule this week. Detective George Babitt took the lead on the investigation. Babitt first compared the man in the photo to Arnold and rated their similarity. He found much similarity. (For his own amusement he also rated their attractiveness and found very little.) He took this as probable cause to launch a full investigation (again, light schedule) and returned, photo in hand, to the police station. He ran a full background check on Arnold and found no sign of any long lost sibling. 

Detective Babitt was unsatisfied and decided to continue his investigation. He declared the identification of the photo a high priority task and called in agents from the intelligence community to assist. Those agents, in fact, had quite a bit of work this week but they came anyway because it was their lunch break. Upon scanning the photo into a supercomputer and identifying it with image recognition software at a cost of exactly $10,000 dollars to the taxpayer, they identified the source of the image as a disposable Nikon camera belonging to a one Mr. Fred Arnold living in Phoenix, Arizona. This excited Detective Babitt and the agents as they toyed in their heads with the idea of two identical people with the same name, living in the same city, unknown to one another. They laughed and danced around cheerfully, discussing what a wild news story this would make. Then, their party came to a sudden end when the original Mr. Fred Arnold called to inform them that he, actually, did remember taking that picture and that the photo was, most assuredly, of himself. Oh well, Detective Babitt and the agents thought. At least they had become friends.

University Voices: Covid-positive

Ass-trology: Things I Want To Put In My Mouth in the Nighttime

By: PP Harding

 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): A Stray Member
A peen on its own is in need of a home.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): The Opened Baking Soda Carton in the Back of the Fridge
What would it taste like? I want to feel it on my tongue. Good for teeth.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): A Cold Glass of Water
It’s not very funny, it’s just very true. 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): A Condiment Cocktail
I’ll just throw together whatever I find. Nothing says competitive like me inevitably trying to beat my explosive diarrhea to the bathroom.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Shredded Cheese
Nothing says dependable like that ever present bag of Sargento shredded sharp cheddar cheese in my fridge. Oh, how it calls out to me in the night.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Exposed Toesies
I AM the monster that will go after your toes if they aren’t tucked under your sheets. Pop them puppies right into my mouth.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Puffed Cheese Balls
The sentimental seductress that lies in my subconscious. I don’t even remember they exist, but when I do, it is all I can think about.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): The Coochie of my Sleep Paralysis Demon
Maybe it’s mean because it needs to get a stern licking

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Loose Chocolate Chips
A loyal and practical midnight goodie. There may not be a bag of chocolate chips in the house, but you can bet your ass there are some of them rolling around in the cupboard waiting to be slurped up.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): A Gun
What’s fair is fair to the Libra mind. Am I going to pull the trigger tonight? Or will I hold off until my next tantrum? Do I deserve it? Maybe.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Uncooked Pasta
Boiled pasta is for the weak, try it fresh from the box. 

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): A Full Second Dinner
My fat ass will go for a snack and come back with a full meal’s worth of food.

Top 5 Holiday Characters We Can Improve

by Harry Nuttsaac, Dick Anderson, and Winston Coochill

1. The Cooch Fairy: rather than paying kids money for teeth, they now give adults coochie for money. So like a prostitute.
2. The Easter Coochie: while the kids are outside looking for eggs, you’re inside trying to find how deep this rabbit hole goes.
3. Coochie Claus: Old Saint Nick sure knows how to back it up!
4. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Cooch: do I even need to say what he passed around instead of wine and fish?
5. Pepprechaun: like a leprechaun that refills pepper shakers.