Tag Archives: Holidays

Thanksgiving Turkey Would Rather be Slaughtered Than Pardoned by Trump

BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

WASHINGTON — President Trump has spent much time trying to overturn things that have been achieved during the Obama presidency. However, Trump decided to continue the tradition of pardoning the Thanksgiving turkeys but this time, with a twist. Instead of the regular two turkeys up on the spotlight, the main and the backup turkey, there were 14.

Trump had brought in all the previous turkeys pardoned throughout the Obama era and slaughtered them himself right there on the stage for everyone to see. He then turned to Drumstick and Wishbone and pardoned them for not being good enough to eat.

Both turkeys clearly looked understandably horrified for what they had just witnessed. We got a hold of both turkeys to see if they wanted to share their thoughts about that fateful encounter. “I’d rather be fucking dead than be associated with this dumpster fire of a presidency, and I’m a fucking turkey” Drumstick said. Meanwhile, it seems as if Wishbone didn’t really have much to say on the topic.

When asked, the White house Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders had this to say on the topic. “Those turkeys asked to be slaughtered. They couldn’t live anymore knowing the fact that they may have been pardoned by such a terrible president. In fact, they asked us to re-pardon them but we told them that it was not possible! If anyone should be appalled, be appalled at the fact that they went this long without someone listening to their problems!” Who knew Sarah loved turkeys this much?

Stop the Slaughter of Saplings!

BY Douglas Firfir

Each year, tens of millions of my brethren meet their demise in the name of the commercialist American Christmas holiday. Axemen and sawyers trespass our native forests to mow down scores of spruces, pines, and firs at the trunk, hauling away the carcasses and deracinating their remains.

Trees of all ages are sold off without a cent of reparation to their bereaved families in this complex of industry. Profits benefit the monsters that murder our young without regard and promote the continued subjugation of my race. The arboreal victims are then strapped atop Ford Windstars and brought to suburban houses, where they are roughly pushed through thresholds and covered in tinsel, trinkets, and baubles.

To further this indignity, the abducted trees are erected in living rooms beside heating vents and fireplaces. The carcasses soon dry out and weeks later, the desiccated corpses are thrown to the curb, to be collected and composted in mass-graves.

This mistreatment defies our nature as evergreens, a proud history of growing tall and wide in our old age. But of course even the elders of our tribe aren’t sacred! The great hundred-foot spruces are deposited in your cities for tourists to skate and shuffle by in congested crowds. But we never agreed to be treated as spectacles, cut down and manhandled in defiance of our innate rights.

To quote the horticultural freedom fighter Pamela Isley, I encourage you to be a conscious consumer this season and not participate in “the mad campaign of botanical genocide that grips this country every December.”

WHAT YOU SHOULD WANT FOR CHIRSTMAS/CHANUKAH

BY Grind All

Christmas/Chanukah is here (and yes I put the Jews in there because I totally fuck with them) and you guys gotta put together some lists for the fam to get you shit that you can’t buy yourself. So here’s a list of some stuff we think you guys could probably use and can’t get yourself.

1. A date
C’mon, moms fucking LOVE setting up their kids with their friends’ kids and let’s be real, you are doing a horrible job of getting one on your own.

2. Some self respect
We all saw what you did at the Christmas party Jenny, knock that shit off find some self respect over the holidays.

3. An acknowledgment of your birthday
This is a direct shout out to those kids with birthdays over the holidays. Hopefully someone will actually remember this year and not do that cop out shit with buying you ONE present for the whole birthday/holiday celebration shin dig.

4. A passing grade
You have got to have some hot cousin or something that can sleep with one of your professors to get you to pass a class. I mean come on kids we are at a Hail Mary at this point so you need to do whatever you can to actually pass your classes this semester.

5. A pair of socks
You’re at the age guys. You have no fucking money and you need socks. Stop wearing those ones with holes in them and having your pride about not asking for socks for a present. Face it, this is where you’re at, just ask for socks.

6. A sense of self
Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are any of us? Hopefully someone out there can give you some idea

7. A better singing voice
Unless this comes true PLEASE stop singing on the buses/showers/ anywhere public because everyone around you wants to die 🙂

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

BY Grind All

Just from the ability to see what articles get clicked on the most I know you guys need some change in your life. Here’s MY list of what I think your New Years resolutions should be. And “blah blah blah you don’t run my life” I literally do not care because I care about my readers and I am going to be a therapist someday so you should trust me because eventually you’ll be coming to me for advice anyway.

1. Finding Jesus
Please

2. Actually using bus courtesy
Or else I’m going to kill you and everyone else is too

3. Wearing a jacket in -10 degree weather on Saturday nights
I’m looking at you freshmen girls. You are not invincible please put on a jacket.

4. Fucking your RA
This will FOREVER be the goal of EVERY year

5. Not cutting bathroom lines
Looking at you drunk girls. Please be a better person and stop cutting the rest of us drunk bitches that have the courtesy to wait

6. Stop carrying around water jugs
Looking at you frat bros. Why the hell do you need a gallon? It’s not like we live in an area that there aren’t water fountains every 5 steps. Are you trying to prove that you are more manly than everyone because you can carry one around AND drink from it? Please stop it looks so fucking stupid

Modern Day Santa Claus Brings Weed to New Jersey Hometowns

BY Robert Fakinaway
Shit Fling Champion

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“You Better Get High” The elusive Gum Shoe Clyde, found loitering at the Christmas display at a local Starbucks.

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—With the impending holidays come many students returning to their hometowns away from New Brunswick  or  any  city where they can get hooked up with some fresh kush. The winter break therefore comes much to the dismay of Rutgers Students as most must endure the festivities with their extended family completely sober. However, a particular man, known only as Gum-Shoe Clyde, is touring across New Jersey suburbs to deliver quality marijuana to the exasperated lttle boys and girls.

Amanda Lewis, a SAS junior and resident of One Horse, NJ, told the Medium how relieved she was to have a ready supply of drugs to help cope with her reality. “So it’s my dad’s side, my mom’s side, my older brother’s girlfriend, my mom’s foreign co-worker and the cat lady four doors down who are all coming over for a Christmas Eve party AND for New Years. Also, all the bars here are for the truckers, so I need some seriously dank shit to make it through this break.”

While Gum-Shoe Clyde remains elusive to the press, we were able to speak with Alvin Roechster, who has reportedly met with the generous dealer last winter. “It was magical. I heard the jingling and clanging coming from the engine of his ’96 Toyota Camry. Just leave him $10 in his cup holder and he’ll give you eight ounces of quality hash! But if you’ve been bad, he’ll give up coal. And a knife. He’ll stab you.”

Many Rutgers students have already been sending Gum-Shoe Clyde their wish lists for the holidays after receiving his number from YikYak. There have been sparse reports that he is already active since the beginning of Chanukah.

Secret Holiday Starbucks Drinks

BY Grind All

19starbucks2-web-master675So we all know that Starbucks is a sneaky bitch and has a million flavors they don’t feel like telling us about, especially during the holiday season. Sure, they advertise things like peppermint mocha and caramel brulee but we at The Medium did some digging and were able to find more.

Hitler Latte: Alright so everyone is freaking out that Starbucks hates Christmas and the Christians but honestly they hate everyone, they’re just not as public about everyone else. I mean a Hitler Latte? That’s pretty bad but Starbucks is a company that believes in EQUAL discrimination, which cancels out all the badness! So everyone needs to stop freaking out about this shit.

Ingredients: Coffee, Espresso, Milk, 2 shots of Peppermint, 3 shots of the blood of the Jewish

Disappointment to Your Parents Cappuccino: Going home for the holidays sucks mostly because—let’s be honest—you are a disappointment to your parents. I mean they put all this money into your college and you are flunking all of your classes and spending your time getting drunk and sleeping with some idiot named Chad. So before you go home please do yourself a favor and pick up this drink. It tastes just like the disappointment your parents are bound to taste the second they look at you.

Ingredients: Espresso, Milk, 2 shots of vanilla, 2 shots of caramel, 1 shot of failure (the barista will ask you for this but don’t worry if you’re ordering this you have it)

Drunk Grandma Macchiato: Every family has one. You’re enjoying whatever holiday you celebrate and your grandma all of the sudden has had one too many and is being drunk and racist and sexist and everything terrible you can be. How did she even get this drunk? Is it because she’s like a million years old and has no tolerance or is she just so old that no one even pays attention to her drinking habits? Either way she’s slammed and you’re feeling left out. Also it’s fucking hell dealing with her when you’re sober so please pick up this drink if you know you’re going to have to deal with something like this.

Ingredients: Coffee, Espresso, Milk, 1 shot of vanilla, 5 shots of Jameson (They have it trust me. They’ll say “we don’t serve alcohol” but just say “DRUNK RACIST GRANDMA” and they’ll get you that Jameson for sure.)

That Black People Holiday Coffee: Black people have a holiday at this time right? Is it real? I don’t know and apparently Starbucks doesn’t either. Or they actually have a name for this but everyone just calls it this. I’m not sure. So if you’re black you should get this or if you’re celebrating the holidays with your black friend pick this up so you can seem “multicultural” and “inclusive” instead of “ignorant” and “stereotyping-just-because-we’re-black-doesn’t-mean-we-celebrate-the-black-people-holiday”.

Ingredients: Black coffee with a festive shot of “equal” rights