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DYKE VAN STILL PARKED IN FRONT OF VAN DYCK

Volume XLVIII Issue VI

BY DR. TOSSED SALAD: OPINIONS EDITOR

“WHEN VAN’S A-ROCKIN’, DON’T COME A-COCKIN’!”
Ellen with Justin! Did she drop Portia for that new skank bitch?

NEW BRUNSWICK—Tuesday morning students and faculty quickly discovered that there was a random van parked in front of Van Dyck. RUPD quick­ly arrived on scene to properly ticket the van, but when they did they soon heard noises com­ing from the inside.

“We heard voices com­ing from inside. There was a little bit of giggling. So we knew there were a couple people in­side,” described Officer John Hamilton. Numerous attempts to communicate with the people inside failed miserably however, by looking into the windows, of­ficers were able to identify that there were three women inside. Officers quickly took preven­tive measures and blockaded the area of Voorhees Mall. Soon after, numerous students and faculty arrived to watch the de­velopments.

“What could they pos­sibly be doing in there? I hope they are staying safe,” cried one women from the crowd. “This is just terrible. They need to get those girls out of there,” and “Please excuse me…I’m just try­ing to get to my class,” were also heard from the crowd. Then in a shocking development, numer­ous feminist groups arrived on scene in support of the women inside the van.

“We are here to support these women in this obvious protest against male oppres­sion,” stated a member in the crowd which was followed by a “Yeah, fuck men!” response. As the crowd grew, many noticed that the van began to shake and rock. “Get them out of there! Somethings wrong! Oh my fuck­ing god!” many yelled before a quick moment of silence fell over which, “I bet they’re just fucking each other,” was heard from the crowd. Members of the feminist groups quickly rushed towards sophomore Ben Edwards, who had not made the comment but was the closest man to them, and started beating the fucking shit out of him. Police tried to rush to his defense but decided it was a lost cause.

As the beating was almost over, another silence came over the crowd to hear “Oh, Bridget, keep eating my pussy,” erupt from the van. As the feminist groups and the rest of the crowd heard this, many quickly dis­persed with their heads down.

At present time, the van is still parked outside Van Dyck, with RUPD taking shifts guard­ing it in male only shifts at night, while the fraternities which usu­ally situate themselves outside Brower Commons have vowed to watch over the van during the day.

BUTT HURT

BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS: ARTS EDITOR

What do you mean I Fucked a Cat?

BY BRO WHO GOT WASTED ON HALLOWEEN

The last thing I remember was dancing with this fine ass chick. She was a cat, or cheetah, or some shit I don’t know. She had ears on. Anyway, like she was good so you know I invited her back to my place. I think this was around 12 maybe. So we walk back to my place, and there are a couple of things that do pop up in my memory when I think about it. Well, me and this girl went upstairs and it started off with me fingering her tight pussy and she was purring very seductively. Then, I was like, hey sure why not you know? I can be into a little role play. It was Halloween.

So we stay at it for a while, as I was just giving her some nice sweet tender love. I went down on her, she went down on me. Then she went down on me some more, and more, and more. She really liked licking the shaft and continued the purring the whole time. When I asked if she was ready for my cock, all she did was lick the side of my face. It was the hottest thing ever, ‘cause you know she really wanted it.

So, you know I put it in and it was so tight and she just started shrieking. Like really shrieking. That’s when things started to get all fuzzy. Luckily, some of my boys came into the room to watch over us since we were both pretty drunk and they said that we were really going at it under the covers, but I wouldn’t let them look at her for some reason.

She was fine as hell, you know. She must have wanted to stay hidden. But when I woke up this morning, some things just didn’t seem right. Like the bowl of milk that I keep on my dresser was empty? Who would drink that? And I had these little scratches all over my body which was fine but they were so small. Whose nails are that small? And no one saw her leave in the morning but my window was open? And then someone texted me asking “Dude why were you fucking that thing…?” And why was there so much fur in my bed? Wait a second. Ahh…son of a bitch.