Volume XLVIII Issue VI
BY DR. TOSSED SALAD: OPINIONS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Tuesday morning students and faculty quickly discovered that there was a random van parked in front of Van Dyck. RUPD quickly arrived on scene to properly ticket the van, but when they did they soon heard noises coming from the inside.
“We heard voices coming from inside. There was a little bit of giggling. So we knew there were a couple people inside,” described Officer John Hamilton. Numerous attempts to communicate with the people inside failed miserably however, by looking into the windows, officers were able to identify that there were three women inside. Officers quickly took preventive measures and blockaded the area of Voorhees Mall. Soon after, numerous students and faculty arrived to watch the developments.
“What could they possibly be doing in there? I hope they are staying safe,” cried one women from the crowd. “This is just terrible. They need to get those girls out of there,” and “Please excuse me…I’m just trying to get to my class,” were also heard from the crowd. Then in a shocking development, numerous feminist groups arrived on scene in support of the women inside the van.
“We are here to support these women in this obvious protest against male oppression,” stated a member in the crowd which was followed by a “Yeah, fuck men!” response. As the crowd grew, many noticed that the van began to shake and rock. “Get them out of there! Somethings wrong! Oh my fucking god!” many yelled before a quick moment of silence fell over which, “I bet they’re just fucking each other,” was heard from the crowd. Members of the feminist groups quickly rushed towards sophomore Ben Edwards, who had not made the comment but was the closest man to them, and started beating the fucking shit out of him. Police tried to rush to his defense but decided it was a lost cause.
As the beating was almost over, another silence came over the crowd to hear “Oh, Bridget, keep eating my pussy,” erupt from the van. As the feminist groups and the rest of the crowd heard this, many quickly dispersed with their heads down.
At present time, the van is still parked outside Van Dyck, with RUPD taking shifts guarding it in male only shifts at night, while the fraternities which usually situate themselves outside Brower Commons have vowed to watch over the van during the day.