DYKE VAN STILL PARKED IN FRONT OF VAN DYCK

Volume XLVIII Issue VI

BY DR. TOSSED SALAD: OPINIONS EDITOR

"WHEN VAN'S A-ROCKIN', DON'T COME A-COCKIN'!" Ellen with Justin! Did she drop Portia for that new skank bitch?
“WHEN VAN’S A-ROCKIN’, DON’T COME A-COCKIN’!”
Ellen with Justin! Did she drop Portia for that new skank bitch?

NEW BRUNSWICK—Tuesday morning students and faculty quickly discovered that there was a random van parked in front of Van Dyck. RUPD quick­ly arrived on scene to properly ticket the van, but when they did they soon heard noises com­ing from the inside.

“We heard voices com­ing from inside. There was a little bit of giggling. So we knew there were a couple people in­side,” described Officer John Hamilton. Numerous attempts to communicate with the people inside failed miserably however, by looking into the windows, of­ficers were able to identify that there were three women inside. Officers quickly took preven­tive measures and blockaded the area of Voorhees Mall. Soon after, numerous students and faculty arrived to watch the de­velopments.

“What could they pos­sibly be doing in there? I hope they are staying safe,” cried one women from the crowd. “This is just terrible. They need to get those girls out of there,” and “Please excuse me…I’m just try­ing to get to my class,” were also heard from the crowd. Then in a shocking development, numer­ous feminist groups arrived on scene in support of the women inside the van.

“We are here to support these women in this obvious protest against male oppres­sion,” stated a member in the crowd which was followed by a “Yeah, fuck men!” response. As the crowd grew, many noticed that the van began to shake and rock. “Get them out of there! Somethings wrong! Oh my fuck­ing god!” many yelled before a quick moment of silence fell over which, “I bet they’re just fucking each other,” was heard from the crowd. Members of the feminist groups quickly rushed towards sophomore Ben Edwards, who had not made the comment but was the closest man to them, and started beating the fucking shit out of him. Police tried to rush to his defense but decided it was a lost cause.

As the beating was almost over, another silence came over the crowd to hear “Oh, Bridget, keep eating my pussy,” erupt from the van. As the feminist groups and the rest of the crowd heard this, many quickly dis­persed with their heads down.

At present time, the van is still parked outside Van Dyck, with RUPD taking shifts guard­ing it in male only shifts at night, while the fraternities which usu­ally situate themselves outside Brower Commons have vowed to watch over the van during the day.

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