11/11 Arts by KidKnish
Tag Archives: 11/11/2020
Pfizer Halts Viagra Production to Focus on Covid Vaccine; Conservatives Floored
By: Throbbin Williams
This week, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced that they have developed a vaccine for Covid-19 that has tested to be 90% effective. The development, which is an unprecedented achievement in vaccine manufacturing, came shortly after the company completely halted the production of its most popular product, Viagra.
Following the announcement of the vaccine Pfizer’s stock skyrocketed and a frustrated nation felt a cool breeze of relief. But one group is absolutely livid at the company’s decision to allocate extra resources to the vaccine’s development: conservatives. Early this morning, the streets surrounding Pfizer’s Manhattan headquarters were shut down by a massive blockade of pickup trucks and classic cars. Their demands were simple: stop making the Covid vaccine, get back to making Viagra.
Maverick Johnson, leader of the Make America Hard Again movement, was at the front of the crowd and was the first to make a comment to the media.
“This is fucking unbelievable that Pfizer is stopping Viagra to make a ‘Covid Vaccine’ when everybody knows Covid isn’t even fucking real! We don’t need a vaccine; I don’t even get a flu shot! What I do need is a magic, little blue pill so I can do missionary with my wife on Fridays!” Johnson shouted at an ABC reporter.
The crowd outside Pfizer HQ stretched for two city blocks and was composed of cars with license plates from as far away as Alabama. Through thick clouds of diesel fumes and the deafening roar of different Lynyrd Skynyrd songs playing from every other car, Pfizer executives looked down from their corner offices baffled.
“I mean come on,” CEO Albert Bourla lamented. “I don’t have time to pay any attention to this, I’ve gotta figure out how to hide all these bonuses from the government before Biden gets in office! Fuck these idiots.”
While pharmaceutical executives roll on their huge piles of cash, our founding fathers are rolling in their graves, according to MAHA.
“Everybody already knows that this is all 5G!” Arkansas resident and member of Christians Against the Teachings of Christ Karen Phillips said. “My husband and I need Viagra, this marriage doesn’t work for us! And I can’t afford another divorce. Pfizer needs to stop taking away our freedoms and give us back our pills! If my husband’s flag stays at half-mast any longer, I don’t know if we’ll be able to stay together for the kids.”
At press time, Pfizer said they plan to indefinitely cease the production of Viagra “likely until the pandemic is over and done with.” MAHA and the other anti-erectile dysfunction protesters currently remain outside Pfizer HQ since any cops who would be tasked to clear the streets stand strong with the boys who need blue.
Bitterly Divided Nation to Become Bitterly United Under Biden
By Pre Malone
Acknowledging that loving unity is a long shot for the United States right now, President-Elect Joe Biden has stated that he plans to take this nation from bitterly divided to bitterly united, meaning that citizens will work together but they won’t like it at all. Biden sees this plan as ambitious but reasonable given the current state of the nation.
To help clarify the term ‘bitterly united’ for his soon-to-be constituents, President-Elect Biden gave some examples of what a “bitterly united” nation will look like. One was his plan to force Senators Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi into an escape room together where they will be told to solve a series of puzzles to find their way out. The trick, he says, is that there will be no puzzles and the two will be locked in with no way out indefinitely. They will likely fight the whole time but their physical proximity will satisfy the criteria of being united. Biden also stated that part of his plan to create jobs in the coming years includes the constraint that each job category must be filled by 50% Democrats and 50% Republicans. He expects that workers will argue constantly throughout their workday but that they will begrudgingly get the work done in the end. They will be “bitterly united.”
When asked how he feels about the state of American politics right now, Biden responded that he sees the country as a married couple that is not yet divorced but is definitely sleeping in separate bedrooms. He claims that, whether people like it or not, his administration will aim to put its citizens back in the same bedroom. “You don’t have to like each other or really care about each other at all, but you will have to decide on a thermostat setting together,” Biden analogized, “because this is the United States of America.”
Donald Trump to Start Hosting “Jeopardy!”
By Harry Nuttsaac
While most Americans would agree that we were granted amazing news on Saturday morning, the joy came to a close with the death of Alex Trebek and the news that followed: that Donald Trump would begin to host Jeopardy! More than eighty hours after polls closed on Election Day, former Vice President Joe Biden was declared to be the winner of the popular vote in Pennsylvania, bringing him to a total of 273 electoral votes and making him the President-Elect; at the same time, the results blocked Incumbent Donald Trump from victory and ensures his eviction on January 20th. The majority of Americans counted this as amazing news, so much so that people danced in the streets all over the country. The mood was only dampened Sunday morning when Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek died, but many Americans were heartbroken to receive the news last night that Donald Trump was taking his spot.
Jeopardy! has been a beloved part of the lives of Americans for over thirty-five years and Trebek has been a huge part of that, becoming one of the most personable and memorable TV hosts of all time. At the other end of that spectrum is Trump, who hosted The Apprentice for fourteen seasons before somehow becoming president (soon to be former); it was on this show that many Americans learned just how cruel, dislikable, and bigoted the Incumbent is (I can now just call him “the Incumbent” rather than “the President”). Despite all of this, Trump will be out of a job soon enough and Jeopardy! is desperate for a new host.Even though the Incumbent has yet to concede the election or even acknowledge reality for four days now, he tweeted last night “I HAVE WON BIG AGAIN! I am going to take the place of loser Alex Trebek, he didn’t support me, he’s a loser, and host Jepperdy!” The Incumbent provided no other information about the transition, not to mention how a man as dumb as him could ever host Jeopardy! A member of his staff confidentially reported, “We have no fucking clue anymore. Please, God, let me go home.”
University voices: legal weed
I’ve Never Abused a Woman, Only a Wretched Witch, Savvy?
By Johnny Depp
I’m sure all you scallywags have heard the news that I will no longer be a part of the Pirates of the Carribean team because of the supposed abusive nature of the lovely female species. Yes, ‘tis the pirate’s life for me, but I still have the proper raising to respect the women in my life. But let me make it absolutely clear, Amber Heard is no lovely bird. She is a creature of undeniable evil who has managed to push the great Captain Ja– Johnny Depp to his breaking point. She has cut me, taken a bloody massive pile of shit on my bed, (I mean what person would intentionally shit the bed?) and has hit me more times than you could possibly imagine. Several times I attempted to parlay with her, but everytime she just screams in my face ‘til I start yelling back and then she starts throwing shit at me. And forget about the damage done to me, but the rum that she obliterated with her feeble witch hands! That’s how I know she could not be human, but a being far more treacherous! This broke me and that’s when I committed what you all claim to be domestic abuse, when in truth it was simply self defense or perhaps at the very least getting bloody even. Either way I’ve never beaten a woman and I appreciate all the support on reddit. And to Warner Brothers and Disney, remember this as the day you lost Captain Jack Sparrow!… and Gellert Grindelwald if anyone still cares about that.
The Fucker Almost Got Me
By E.Z. Dusit
Don’t mistake all of the celebrations across the country as being supportive of Biden; for the most part, we’re just happy we’re getting rid of Trump. The prick’s gotta go and, although Biden’s far from what we really want, he’ll do for now. None of us have forgotten Biden’s support for the Iraq War, his role in ramping up deportations under Obama, the role he played in getting sexual assailant Clarence Thomas onto the Supreme Court. Goddamnit though, the fucker almost got me.
Like so many Americans, I was glued to the news for almost all of last week, mostly through refreshing the electoral map every five minutes. However, when we thought Biden might win as early as Friday night and he announced he would be giving a speech, I turned my TV on for the first time in months. Biden was supposed to speak at eight but, as it became more clear he wasn’t gonna get PA that night, he kept pushing it back, almost until 11. When he began to speak, nothing Biden was saying was really new, it was the same message of unity and compassion. However, he started to stutter and he did it a few times and I honestly started to cry. I’m someone who has a natural stutter, who has worked a lot to overcome it, so to see someone (the now President-Elect) stuttering, to be able to say “hey, I recognize that,” to sympathetically feel the stutter start in your own mouth, it was overwhelming. For once, I thought to myself, “Can he really be that bad?” But then I remembered he doesn’t want universal healthcare and I was good again.
When Can I Pee In Public Pools Again?
By Kaitlin Bennett
Do you know what my favorite thing to do is? Shit myself at frat parties. Do you know what my SECOND favorite thing to do is? Pee in public pools. While there are still plenty of frat parties to fill my drawers at, I haven’t gotten to pee in a swimming pool recently and I’m really missing it. This whole pandemic thing is completely the fault of all you brainless liberals out there. I told you, I WARNED you to not let trans men in the men’s’ room, now look what happened. COVID happened. China saw that we were all pussywhipped losers and realized they could tank our economy and topple our democracy with Sleepy Joe, so they infected their own country first, then multiple others, and THEN the U.S.
Now, we’ve got people using the restrooms they feel comfortable using, a President-Elect that believes in science, and a pandemic that has not been addressed properly. AND I can’t pee in swimming pools! If Biden is gonna be such a good president, why can’t I already pee in a public pool?!? Answer me that, liberals! If Joe Biden doesn’t get this pandemic under control before he even takes office, I’m just gonna start using my guns to kill the pandemic. Just gonna go around, shooting any COVID I see. Kinda like Borat! Man, he’s such a genius. Maybe I’ll go to Kazakhstan, they’ve got some really smart scientists like Borat and I bet that they’ll have public pools I can pee in. Man, I’ve gotta shit really badly, where’s a frat party when you need one?
Review of this Vibrator From Craigslist
By Heywood Jablomi
So it’s been quarantine for like, what, three and a half years now? The first week of November alone was a solid five months so fuck if I know what time of year it is. Anyway, it got really tiring cranking one out by hand, so I decided “fuck it, it’s time to go modern” and bought a vibrator off of craigslist. Now, I don’t know much about these kinds of things, and I’m way too lazy to research different brands or whatever, so I just bought the first vibrator I found that was under $10. So what if it was already used? I don’t want that bad boy to go to waste.
Anyway, originally this was gonna be a really short review, because the damn thing didn’t turn on. But it turns out these things need two AA batteries? I guess they haven’t figured out how to make solar powered vibes yet, which is pretty lame, but fortunately I did manage to find some batteries lying around. Ripped them right out of the smoke detector. I’ll replace em later.
Once my landlord finished giving me a lecture about fire safety (yaaaaawn), I finally had the time to test this thing out. And… eh. It’s nice to give the old wrist a rest, and I’m glad my arms won’t become even more lopsided, but to be truthful it’s kind of weak. My Dualshock 4 had a stronger rumble than this one. In retrospect, I should’ve just given that a shot. It doesn’t even need batteries!
All in all, I give this a solid 6/10. It gets the job done, but it’s a little underwhelming and you can’t even use it to play games. Anyone wanna buy a vibrator?
Top 10 Kinds of People We Should Exclusively Keep the Death Penalty For
By: PP Harding
10. People who call tomato sauce “gravy”
I don’t know, I guess it’s a regional thing but SAUCE IS SAUCE AND NOT ALL SAUCE IS GRAVY!! Gravy is the shit you bathe a Thanksgiving turkey in so that it’s actually palatable, not what you eat with spaghetti.
9. People who pronounce words from other languages how they think they would if they were from that culture but aren’t
I am Italian-American, my grandparents came from Italy as immigrants, and I have a huge extended family of Italian-Americans. I have NEVER heard any one of them pronounce it “mootz-arrrrrrrell” or “rrrrree-coat-ta”. If you pronounce it that way, great, but do NOT correct me, you fucking cavone.
8. People who refuse to watch popular television shows because they are too “mainstream”
Listen, I understand that sometimes you may have tried to watch a popular show and you’re just not into it. You don’t have to like the same things as everyone else. I’m talking about the people who genuinely believe they are cooler or better for not watching those shows. How do you know you’re not going to like it?? Don’t be such an Aquarius.
7. People who put empty containers of food back into the fridge/cupboard
You think that you’re going to have a little snacky snack and then you pick up the container and its super light and you open it and THERE IS NOTHING IN IT.
6. People who are condescending
I don’t know what is worse–people who are my friends talking down to me or people who I don’t know talking down to me. Either way, you’re dead to me.
5. People in food videos on Instagram that cut the food in half and then squeeze out its innards
You’re not supposed to squeeze a burrito and the mixed contents are not supposed to be seen by human eyes once it has been wrapped into the tortilla. Thank you for making me vomit inside my mouth.
4. The Rutgers faculty that made my Biology exam at 9:40 PM on a Monday night
I’m basically in bed by that point every night. How am I supposed to understand what’s happening?
3. People who abuse animals
Kill a person? Eh, it was probably their fault. But what did that animal ever do to you?? There is no saving your soul. Away with you!
2. People who say “Guess what!” and you say “What?” and then they say “nO, yOu HaVe To GuEsS!”
I won’t guess and YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!
1. People who play together in Among Us and when you kill one of them, the other one exposes you as the imposter because their friend told them that you killed them
There is no room for your snitch ass in society. You are literal scum. I will see you in Hell.
The Medium 